(Closed) Am i being selfish?

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 17
Member
3355 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I would have been perfectly fine with dinner.

was it a new place, special reservation, the works?

Post # 18
Member
526 posts
Busy bee

@ThreeMeers: +1

You’re not being selfish at all.  Your husband ate dinner too.  How is that possibly a gift, especially if he paid for it out of a joint bank account?

I think you guys need to talk about your expectations regarding gifts, birthdays, anniveraries, etc.  Each Christmas or birthday or whatever, Darling Husband and I discuss what our budget is and what we would like.  Some years we don’t do anything for our anniverary.  Some years we spend a lot of money.  But we always, always communicate about what our expectations are and what we want.  We are always on the same page.

Post # 19
Member
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@Christine06:  i agree. a card or note isnt hard to do. a dinner out sure he might of planned it but if he didnt plan it then you would have, and u got him a present

Post # 20
Member
776 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Totally agree with the PPs about managing expectations when it comes to holidays and gifts. My Fiance and I always discuss beforehand what’s going on with each holiday depending on where we are at with our debts or savings at that time.

 

Some people might say that it’s unromantic, but I would counter that by saying I’m never disappointed because we’re always on the same page.

Post # 21
Member
7646 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

You’re not being selfish, but dinner was the gift, and a pretty good one at that. He took you away from the hustle and bustle of the world to a nice place and treated you to dinner.

I think you guys need to have a talk about what is expected of anniversaries. I could care less if I get anything for an anniversary. A nice meal out sounds great to me.

Post # 22
Member
5950 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Maybe I’m wrong here, but taking you to dinner was something, wasn’t it?  I mean to me, nothing would have been me waking up on the day of our anniversary, reaching over to touch Mr. 99’s shoulder and finding a scrawled note telling me he’s gone hunting and I’ll see him in three days, deer carcass in tow, reeking of firewood and insect repellant….

But if you wanted a note or a gift, maybe telling him you’re really excited to give him his, or mentioning the card you’re working on for him,  is a nice subtle way of reminding him that you were planning on a gift exchange without sitting down in front of him and saying, “It’s our anniversary in two weeks, I’m buying you something, you’d better buy me something, or else.”  you know?

Post # 23
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

Considering it is likely common practice for most couples to eat out occasionally I don’t think taking your spouse to a nicer than usual restaurant is a gift, especially since most households work on finances being combined meaning you paid for dinner just as much as he did!

A card or note is easy, regardless of what else is planned, and isn’t selfish to expect.

I do agree that this is a perfect time to discuss what is expected as far as gifts & celebrations!

My Darling Husband didn’t “forget” our anniversary, as in forget it was that day, but he didn’t get me anything, by which I mean a CARD… not a “gift”, and I was pretty hurt by it. We don’t do extravagant gifts but taking the time to acknowledge the other with some nice words isn’t obscene to want. I too told him how I felt about it that morning & he had me flowers delivered w/ a nice card. He didn’t get defensive but he also didn’t go crazy in fixing things… he acknowledged my needs & did his part.

Sorry your anniversary didn’t go as you wished…. we hope for many but we never know if this one could be our last so they, along with every day, are important!

 

 

 

Post # 24
Member
1176 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

You’re not being selfish, but you are being petty. Going forward, communicate your expectations around holidays – don’t assume he can read your mind.

Post # 25
Member
8470 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

Hmm… I don’t know.  Who doesn’t love gifts?!  But considering it’s your 2nd year of marriage and not your 1st, I wouldn’t be too upset. 

Post # 26
Member
1451 posts
Bumble bee

No you’re not selfish!   I can see how you would be upset after spending all that time and effort to plan & buy a gift just for him, and then write a thoughtful card on top of that.  This is just a simple matter of having a convo with your Darling Husband about how it would mean so much to you if he got you a gift he put some thought into.  As the other bees said, just have a convo with your Darling Husband about what your expectations are around gifts and holidays.

Post # 27
Member
5493 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2011

You’re not being selfish at all and I too would be hurt in this circumstance.  Dinner is not a gift because I assume he also ate and I assume you go out to dinner on other occassions so dinner is just par for the course.  

I undrstand why you feel like he just didn’t put in effort to reflect on your relationship and communicate his love, (with a gift or a card.)  I would talk to him about what your and his expectations are for anniversaries.

My Darling Husband knows that our anniversary is super important to me, just as important as a birthday.  I expect and gift and a card and a nice outting together.  He always delivers but that’s because I’ve made it very clear what will make me happy, (and he’s happy to comply to make me happy)

Post # 28
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee

For some guys the whole process of planning is such a stressful thing. I know that is how it is for my SO. My birthday was about two weeks before we went on an overseas vacation this year,  so we were pretty strapped for cash. My SO has a problem with always ordering my gift online really late (only a week early), so they almost never get there on my birthday. It has been a joke for the past five years between us that I can’t ever get something on my birthday. I don’t really mind, but this year he made a huge effort to get everything to me on time. UPS sent one of the packages to his neighbor’s house who kept it for a week or so, and we had no idea where the package was! He was so upset that it came late even though he ordered it a month early LOL. We ended up just sitting around on my birthday. I made my own cupcakes. He tried to help, but ended up just kind of watching, and it made me really upset that we didn’t do anything.

 

I tried explaining to him that I was upset that I put so much effort into his birthday. We always have a nice dinner, I make him cake and he gets pretty much whatever he wants. He was so stunned because we were about to leave for our trip, so he thought I wouldn’t want to spend the money going out to dinner. I told him it would have been nice to do something special even if it was just a walk in the park or something. I also told him that it wasn’t like the trip was FOR my birthday it just happened to fall close to it. I think he was just bewildered by the situation, so we will see what happens next year. 

 

I think as women we enjoy planning that kind of stuff, and we would probably be better off to just plan our own birthday parties and anniversarys haha. 

Post # 29
Member
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I would have considered the dinner as the gift. Guys usually are not as “into” giving gifts as gals.

Post # 31
Member
5493 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2011

@Scar_cats_tic:   haha  For your sake I hope you’re joking.

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