- 3 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
It has been a while since my lasy post. So as I said in my last post I just got married a year ago. A few months into our marriage we found out my husband has treatable but incurable cancer. Since that time he has responded to treatment pretty well. He has to undergo a transplant in the next few weeks that will keep him in the hospital for 2-3 weeks and then he will basically need to be home for months away from people and germs. He can have visitors and I can be with him as long as I or none of the visiters are sick. This transplant is his best chance and putting this cancer asleep for what the doctors hope will be many years.
I am really just writing this to vent bc I dont feel like I cant say all of the things I wanna say to my husband for family bc I dont want them to worry. Since the diagnosis as you can imagine our lives have changed dramatically. It is doctors appt after doctors appt. Me monitoring every symptom for fear it could be life threatening. Last month we noticed one of my husbands legs were swollen. My husband and doctors thought it was just fulied build up from treatment. But I was concerned it may be a blood clot. I begged my husband to ask to the doctors to check and they did. Turns out it was a major blood clot that reached his lungs but thankfully they caught it before the clot in his lungs got too big so they Thank God were able to treat it and he is recovering fine now. I am so thakful that he is ok but I am so worried. Why was it me that thought blood clot? Why not his doctors? The answer to that is I that doctors arent here all the time and my husband is very bad at reporting all of his symptoms so I have taken it upon myself to do it.
So my life has basically become constantly worrying and checking on any symptoms my husband may have. Taking care of him. This cancer has really gotten him down to the point where sometimes he can barely walk or talk. Thankfully he is doing fairly well this week. I dony see my friends much out of fear of leaving him alone. My family lives 6 hours away so while they can support me over the phone, they are not here!! His family lives a few hours away. They were quit supportive but we just found out a few weeks ago that his father has cancer as well! So understandably they cant help much anymore.
I am so worried about my husband. He is so scared about this upcoming transplant and now he has to worry about his dad as well!! My husband and I still love each other very much. But it has defiantly changed our marriage. For instance, I do everything around the house. Cooking, cleaning, etc. We dont go out much bc he doesnt feel like it. It isnt fun but I am ok with it. I like taken care of him What I am not ok with is that he barely speaks to me anymore except to ask me to do something for him. He does say he loves me everryday and cuddles with me at night. But that is about it. No kisses, execept a peck here and there. Not much intimacy. Not much communication. He wont discuss his feelings toward his dad or really himself. He just says he is scared and doesnt want to talk about it.
I can completly understand but bees! I need and want to talk about things!!! Good or bad!! I feel so isolated! My friends and family listen but they usually just give me some pep talk and it is becoming clear that they have no idea what to say or do!! I understand! I dont either. It has gotten the point where I dont wanna worry them anyone so I just pretend I am handling it well. But I am not. I so lost all the time. Completly comsumed with his illness. I have been going to church and have spoken with the pastor and that has helped!! A lot! But I am still so lost. I am going to try and see a therapist soon.
Guess my point of this post is, is it ok for me to have feelings? Is it ok for me to feel sad for loss of intimacy, loss of communication with my husband? Whenever I even attempt to bring it up he tells me I dont understand bc I am not sick. My husband is able to go to work most days. But he is somehow not able to really speak to me or anything when he comes home. He just sleeps or watches tv. I hate feeling like this but I feel that if he can work, why cant he hang out with me maybe a little? Maybe I am wrong to feel this way. Maybe he mentally or physcially cant do it but it is so hard to deal with! One time I brought up the fact that I missed him and I wished we could spend some time together. He just said I shouldnt feel that we dont spend time together and I have to be patient. Then he proceeded to ask me to run some errands for his family the next day. So I guess I just feel like a non person. I am just someone who takes care of him and his family. If I have needs, wants, hopes then I must now put them on hold.
If you read any of my past posts, you will know that my husband and I were TTC a month before his diagnosis. Oviously that has been put on hold, but bc of his treatments the docs told us that we may not be able to conceive a baby bc the chemo may have damagaed his sperm. I was so sad and upset. I didnt let my husband know but did tell close family. They just told me not to think or worry about that. Just to worry about getting my husband better. But how am I not supposed to think and worry about that? Is it not ok for me to feel very sad at the very possible idea that we cant ever have kids naturally?
Am I being selfish bees? For worrying sometimes about what I want?
I know this was a long rant and I dont really know what I am wanting from this post other than to vent! Advice is welcome. Please let me know if I am being a selfish jerk!