(Closed) Am I being selfish?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
2445 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I don’t think you are being selfish. You are both going through a lot and I don’t think you would be human if you felt nothing.

Have you looked into support groups for spouses/partners with illnesses?

Post # 3
677 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - SPRING VALLEY COUNTRY CLUB

You are NOT being selfish! You are human. And Yes you’re allowed to feel something. Having these feelings doesn’t mean you don’t love, care and support your husband. All it means is that you yearn for a little piece of the life you once had. I think while you are supporting him, and caring for him. You should try and find support groups for wives in your same situation. And I understand that maybe you fear leaving him, but maybe you should consider trying to find some moments for yourself.


I totally commend you for stepping up and being everything your husband needs right now. It’s a tough thing to put all your needs to the side for soemone else. Your life has totally changed. You’re allowed to feel.

Post # 4
7995 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think it is perfectly fine to grieve the life that you thought you were going to have. And just because your husband is the one who is sick doesn’t mean you don’t have a right to have feelings.

Post # 5
7150 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

First, I am so sorry that you and your husband are going through this… I know you’ve probably heard it a million times, but you are so strong to be there by his side through all of this.

It is 100% okay to feel the way you’re feeling.  It’s tough on both of you, but you have to be his rock, and that takes a toll on a person.  As PPs said, have you looked into support groups in the area?  It sounds like you really need it right now… no one understands unless they’re in your position.  

Post # 6
11517 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
candy08:  you are definitely allowed to feel this way.  I’m wondering if seeing a counsellor or going to a support group for families of those with Cancer might help you.  Talking to people in similar circumstances might be a good outlet for you. 

HUGE hugs to you

Post # 7
784 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I agree with everything PP’s have said, but I just wanted to add another voice to the mix so you feel support in numbers. What you are feeling is completely normal! Your life has been turned completely upside down, you’re going through incredibly stressful and uncertain times, you’re having to take on a lot more responsiblity than you expected without having family or friends around to help – it sounds scary and overwhelming and isolating. I like the idea of finding a support group so you can vent and share your feelings with people who understand completely where you are coming from.


I also think your husband could benefit from counseling; maybe talk to the doctors and ask them to suggest it if you think your husband woudln’t go just based on your own suggestions? I wouldn’t be surprised if his emotional withdrawl and increased silence are coping mechanisms. Aside from the obvious cancer fears, he’s got to be mourning the life he almost had, too. Can you imagine all the pressure he must feel to “be the man” and “toughen up” and not show weakness? Our society is not kind to either gender, and men face their own set of unfair expectations. I’d be willing to be that he’s trying not to let you see how much it hurts that he can’t be the husband he wishes he could be for you. 


You are absolutely allowed to have feelings. What you are feeling is completely normal. You are doing an incredible job by the sounds of it, holding your marriage together and sticking to your vows of “in sickness and in health.” You sound like a remarkable person and your husband is lucky to have you. I hope you can find some much-needed and much-deserved support. Good luck x 

Post # 8
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You are not selfish. It is perfectly normal and understandable that you would feel the way you do. I’m sure it has been devastating for you to learn of your husband’s illness and I can’t imagine the stress you’re under. I don’t think anyone would say it’s selfish of you to miss your old life and your old hopes and dreams. Wanting to spend time with your husband and wishing things felt the way they used to is OK. And being sad that you are no longer ttc and may no longer conceive naturally is also very normal. That must feel like a huge loss. Are there any support groups in your area that you can attend? There must be other people in similar situations that are feeling just the way you are. It may help. I hope things get easier for you. And don’t be hard on yourself. 

Post # 9
810 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

View original reply
candy08:  I can’t even begin to understand what you are going through, and I truly am sorry for all of this. What I do know is that you are a human being as well, and it is completely normal and okay to feel all the things you are feeling. I’ve known people going through similar situations and I can tell you that these things affect the “healthy” person as much as the sick one. This is in different ways of course, but you are both struggling in this together. 

I think that there may be other thoughts at play on his side as well however. For instance, it IS your choice to stay there and be there with him, suffering through this. For him, it is not a choice. So, he may be feeling inadequate, emasculated, etc. I’m just wondering if he is in fact pulling away, he is doing so out of fear of losing you. 

Either way, shutting down communication is not good and I can only imagine how lonely you must feel. I hope you have at least one good friend to talk to about this. Are there any support groups around where you live? That is something that may help?

And just on a side note, if anyone does have anything judgemental to say, PLEASE don’t take it to heart. You’re carrying a huge burden right now and most of us will never know how hard that is. 

Post # 10
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

You are not selfish, you are just overwhelmed emotionally and physically.  Therapy will help you to talk things out.

Post # 11
7546 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

You’re not being selfish. You’re stuck in a pretty difficult situation and you need help, and it’s okay to ask for help. I would start by finding some good support groups; your husband’s hospital should be able to refer you, and if not, ask the hospital if they have a social worker on staff who can help you find good local support groups. Your husband needs to spend time with other people who are going through similar battles, and you need to spend some time with their spouses and loved ones. You each need to find some support outside of the relationship with others who have had similar experiences.  Once that’s underway, look into hiring a part-time health care worker so that your husband can be cared for a couple of days a week, freeing you up to run errands and more importantly have a little down time. You will do no one any good if you burn yourself out. Insurance may be able to help here (another reason to talk to a social worker). Hire a cleaner even if it’s once a month. Leave your thoughts and concerns over TTC for another time; you don’t have the time or energy now to worry about a baby, and the long-term health impacts to your husband are not yet known, so just put that whole topic on the back burner and worry about it somewhere down the road. Lastly, let your husband know that the lack of physical intimacy is making you feel sad, and ask if the two of you can find some ways to continue to share intimacy, even if it’s not in the traditional having-sex way.  Maybe he can try brushing your hair, or maybe you can hold hands while you watch TV. There are dozens of chances every day to be physically affectionate; he will need to make an effort (it doesn’t sound like he doesn’t want to though) but you will also have to be receptive of recieving affection and intimacy in a different manner than before.

Post # 12
11351 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

There are support groups for caregivers.  Maybe there is one near you?  You MUST take care of yourself!  If you burn out, you can’t help your husband.

I also support the PP’s suggestion of therapy.

Post # 13
2859 posts
Sugar bee

Pleaase see if you can find a support group to help ou cope during this incredibly stressful time in both of your lives.  The caregiver is just as stressed as the patient.  I can only echo what theprevious osters have said.  You have to take care of yourself!  And don’t let anyones negativity get to you.

Meantime, I will keep both you and your husband in my prayers.

Post # 14
260 posts
Helper bee

in sickness and in health.  

Post # 15
9162 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Definitely find a support group. It would also benefit your husband to attend a support group as well. They have them electronically nowaday to help facilitate groups for immunosuppressed patients who cannot leave the house.

The main reason why you both need a support group is because no one but those who have/are going through this can ever understand what it is like. You both need a safe space where you can say those ugly things that people not going through this would judge the hell out of.

Unfortunately carers are often the forgotten party in cases like this, which is extremely unfair, because in order to be strong for your loved one you need to be looked after as well.

Do you have access to any respite care so you can go and visit your family or even just for a day out for yourself?

It may also be that he is trying to push you away. He probably has tremendous guilt over how your lives have turned out. He probably feels like he has robbed you of the life he thinks you deserve. He may also be trying to get you to leave out of a weird sense of protection. To him it is probably better that you leave thinking he is cruel and unaring rather than watch him die. You both should speak to a therapist together.

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