(Closed) Am I being selfish?

posted 8 years ago in Money
  • poll: Should we go or am I selfish?
    You are being selfish. She's your BF! Go no matter what. : (13 votes)
    28 %
    Stay home and get her a great gift. Your family comes first. : (29 votes)
    63 %
    Other: Explain please : (4 votes)
    9 %
  • Post # 3
    505 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2012

    eck!  At this point it will look like you don’t want to be there bc you aren’t part of the wedding party.  I don’t think that you are being selfish per se but it will look that way.  

    You had already made the commitment of being in the wedding party I would just go.  Now you don’t have to spend money of a dress or anything like that-so you would be saving money in the end.  See if you can cut the stay down, travel the morning of, maybe travel out the night of or early the next day.  

    Post # 4
    581 posts
    Busy bee

    Now that you have been relieved from Bridesmaid or Best Man duty, you are free to decline.  I can fully understand why you wouldn’t want to attend the wedding.  While destination weddings can be perfect for the couple, it can be a burden for the guests.

    Post # 5
    1014 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    if this person is a really good friend, you may end up regreting not going to the wedding.  if you simply can’t afford to go, I’d explain the situation and hope she is understanding.  i just know later in life i’d probably regret not going to a best friend’s wedding because i didn’t want to spend the money.

    Post # 6
    59 posts
    Worker bee

    I think the best thing would be to just talk to your friend about this. I think if you explain to her that you would have problems financially going and that going would mean you don’t get to have your own honeymoon she should understand if you don’t attend. Especially since you are no longer needed as a Bridesmaid or Best Man this shouldn’t be so much of a problem… And if you explain all this to your friend she should understand that it’s not that you have hard feelings about not being a Bridesmaid or Best Man… all your reasons for not wanting to go are completely valid!! You should def have a honeymoon!!!! 🙂

    Post # 9
    2208 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I do think you should go. It is important to splurge every once in a while, and you will also honor a friend in this case. Two birds, one stone.

    Now, that doesn’t mean you can’t try to save as much money as possible. You didn’t say where the wedding is, but you could stay off site, really watch the airfare price, find the cheapest transportation, etc.

    Post # 10
    513 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I hate to be devils advocate here… I know you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend are great friends. That being said. I had my bff  drop out of the wedding party during my first marriage. I was so upset at how she did it. BUT, she had an open invitation to come. SHE DID NOT and I was more hurt that she did not come than her not being in the wedding. It took us a year to start being good friends again. I felt betrayed.

    Maybe the location is not ideal but it was an option when you were a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Now that you are no longer it is no longer an option? Where is this place? She is also a Bridesmaid or Best Man in your wedding right? So where do you think this leaves her when you do not show up when you previously agreed too? You did not have to accept her invitation to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man if you could not afford the location.

    I am NOT saying to forgo your own honeymoon for the sake of her wedding. However, it will appear to a lot of people that you are giving yourself an out from your BF’s wedding.

    Edit: I also notice you are very conservative with money. That doesn’t sound like you CAN’T go. It sounds like you have not found it WORTH going.

    Post # 12
    513 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I really hope it all works out for the best for everyone. Goodluck and congrats on your upcoming wedding. Laughing

    Post # 13
    516 posts
    Busy bee

    I don’t think you’re being selfish, but I also don’t think there needs to be a big discussion with her about your decision not to attend.  As you are not a member of the wedding party, you are under no obligation to go to her wedding and as a bride-to-be, she probably already has a lot on her mind.

    If you are truly good friends, she already has some idea about the limitations you face.  You have a child, your own wedding finances, etc. 

    I think that sending a really nice gift with a personal letter to her (about how happy you are for her, what a great couple they are, how you look forward to spending time together in the future as two families) is a nice idea.  That way she won’t think you’re blowing her wedding off, and you can save some $$.

    Hope this helped!





    Post # 14
    2867 posts
    Sugar bee

    I think you should explain to her your financial situation.  If she’s a good friend, she’ll be bummed but will understand.  I think if I knew my friend had to take a minimum wage job just to attend my wedding, I’d feel incredibly selfish and unfriend-like.  I definitely think you should send a gift but don’t go out of your way to send something out of your budget.

    Post # 15
    230 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I don’t think it’s selfish at all.  I agree that you should talk to her and make it clear you’d love to go but that your work and financial situations have changed recently.  I think most people with destination weddings do understand that it might be difficult for others to attend.  If you’d really like to go, would you feel comfortable just going by yourself to save a bit of money on plane fare (and a baby sitter)?  Or can you arrange some sort of special (but more local) activity to celebrate sometime after the wedding with you, your husband, her, and her husband?  I know none of these are ideal solutions, but I think a good friend would want to talk it over with you and would not want you to feel obligated to come despite financial pressures.  And once you discuss it with her, it will be clear that you’re not simply refusing to go because you are no longer in the bridal party.  Good luck and keep us posted!

    Post # 16
    7771 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    Honestly, if she comes to your wedding, you are morally obligated to go to hers.  IMO.  Unless it is an emergency/ extreme situation.

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