(Closed) Am I being selfish about RD?

posted 9 years ago in Parties
Post # 3
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

A lot of people prefer more intimate rehearsal dinners, so I don’t think you’re being selfish at all.  From this post and your other posts, it sounds like the wedding weekend is turning out to be somewhat focused on your Fiance and his family.  I don’t blame you for feeling a little lonely!

I would talk to your Future Mother-In-Law and Fiance together, if possible.  Explain that you’re looking forward to getting to know your new family, but that you’d really looked forward to a more intimate rehearsal dinner to spend extra time with your loved ones, especially with everything that’s going on in your family.  Hopefully they’ll understand.


Post # 4
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I don’t think you’re being selfish. Usually the Rehearsal Dinner is just for immediate family (parents, grandparents, and siblings) and those directly involved in the wedding (bridal party, ushers, readers, etc.) to thank them for their help and support. I can understand that she’s happy her son is getting married and wants to make a big deal about it and I can also understand if she feels bad that not everyone could be invited. However, I don’t think the Rehearsal Dinner is necessarily the time to have all these people over. Maybe you could suggest having a larger get together after the wedding and keeping the Rehearsal Dinner just for those who are very close to you? Good luck!

Post # 5
202 posts
Helper bee

You’re not being selfish at all. Have you suggested a “celebration dinner” a few weeks after the wedding?  This way, you can have a fun low-key potluck style celebration for the church friends and distant relatives.  I recently had a friend get married in Key West (his fiance’s hometown).  Their wedding was very small and intimate and they really loved it.  His mom, however, is a Houston socialite and threw them a celebration part in Houston after they returned from the honeymoon.  She planned the entire thing (and paid for it) so they were glad to oblige.

Hopefully you can come to a creative solution.

Post # 6
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Hmm, well first, I’m sorry you are feeling disappointed by some people not being there for you on your day.

I don’t think that it would be proper to invite people to the rehearsal dinner, who are not invited to the wedding.  If they want to make it up to these people, maybe they can host a separate party for you after the honeymoon.  But I don’t like trying to include those who didn’t make the cut at the Rehearsal Dinner.

As for the fight about Fiance thinking you’re punishing his family etc…..  Well I know some brides can feel uncomfortable if they feel overwhelmed by the number of people on the grooms side, however, it isn’t just about your day.  It’s your FI’s day too.  It sounds like those folks are pretty important to him.  If you are asking himn to cut people he really wants to have there, just because you won’t have that many people, I think I’d try to get over it.  (But I’m not sure if I’m reading your intentions correctly.)

Do you feel this could have been talked through better, in hindsight?  Do you feel cheated that you were working hard to stay within the budget, and chopped your guestlist, but Fiance did not share equally in the process?  I’m guessing it’s too late to go back and reeavluate now. 

I think you should just take it where it stands now.  Try to be accepting of (what I’m assuming is) your Fi having a larger family than yours.  What’s done is done.  Let it go.  However, without dredging up the whole wedding guest list, I would explain that inviting people to the Rehearsal Dinner, who aren’t invited to the wedding is not proper.  It’s also a little overwhelming to think about a wedding reception, the day before your actual wedding reception.  And that perhaps another party can be planned after the honeymoon.  But try not to come from an agnry “not more of your mom’s people” angle.

Good luck.

Post # 7
1490 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Oh ETP, this is going to be a hard weekend for you. You can point out that it’s really quite impolite to invite people to the rehearsal dinner who haven’t been invited to the wedding, but as for his family? Ultimately, you’re not the host of the rehearsal dinner, but its guest of honor, along with your Fiance. That means that the ultimate decisions on guest list reside with your Future In-Laws. I’m sorry that your Fiance feels hurt and attacked. He probably doesn’t know what to do with your unhappiness and sadness that your Maid/Matron of Honor cannot be there. A book that has really helped us has been Daniel Wile’s “After the Fight,” which explains how fights often degenerate into defensiveness instead of actually expressing what we’re feeling. His list of 44 defensive responses is hilarious and kind of embarrassing when you realize how many you use yourself. It sounds like your Fiance is overwhelmed and doesn’t know how to help you. 

Post # 9
990 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think it’s selfish of you AT ALL. Why is it that Fiance wants all of these people there, exactly? I guess I would want to really hash out his reasons for that – becuase your wedding is about the TWO OF YOU and I mean, you’re one half of that – so you being comfortable is clearly VERY important.

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