Am I being selfish, if yes is it wrong of me?

posted 2 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
7594 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

You need to talk to your husband and be completely honest about your feelings. You went into the marriage both seemingly on the same page about wanting to eventually start a family, and now you seem to be changing your mind. You’re allowed to change your mind, but you need to realize that your husband may realize he no longer wants to be married to you given your 180 flip on such a core issue. That’s his right too.

I don’t see this as being about “selfishness”; it’s about knowing what you want in life and communicating openly and honestly with your partner. If you don’t want kids then you shouldn’t have them, but you have to realize this could be a dealbreaker for your husband.

Post # 3
Member
13210 posts
Honey Beekeeper

In your husband’s place I’d feel misled, yes. 

Post # 4
Member
3381 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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selfishornot :  and this is why you don’t get married at 23. Sounds like now that you’ve grown up a bit, you wan different things. He wants a house and kids and you want to travel (and there’s nothing wrong with that). But yes, it seems like you are always putting your career and plans first and not really thinking about him. I think you need to have a serious conversation about what you want your lives to look like over the next five years and see if there’s space in there to come to a joint decision. If not, you need to think about what that means for your marriage. 30 is still very young to be able to find someone else whose desires are more compatible with yours. 

Post # 5
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

While reading, my first response was: yeah, you’re being really selfish. He’s moved around for you and your career; you have a good opportunity in your current town; he wants to stay in current down because he is progressing in his own career in your current town. You’re thinking only about what you want, and ignoring what he wants. 

THEN I read the part about kids. That’s something you need to tackle ASAP with your husband. If you changed your mind, you need to talk to him. It sucks for him that your viewpoints changed, but frankly, kids are not something to compromise on if you are not sure you want them.  

Post # 6
Member
1764 posts
Buzzing bee

I vote you stay in the Northeast with the benefits and have your kids, buy a house, focus on your husband’s dreams- it’s his turn to be happy!

Post # 7
Member
1102 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

Well . . . yes, in a way it’s selfish. You aren’t kids anymore, you can’t expect him to keep relocating for your dreams when he has his own.

It isn’t selfish to not want kids, this sounds mostly like you want different lifestyles, and that’s not anything to fault. But it might mean you have to let each other go. I feel super worried about people who sacrifice something like kids or travel because those things easily develop resentment.

Post # 8
Member
10371 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Seems like you aren’t on the same page anymore. It happens, especially when people marry fairly young. But what you need to do now is sit down and be honest with your husband and let him decide if he is okay going down this path with you or if he needs to walk away and find someone he is on the same page with. 

 

Post # 12
Member
1050 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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selfishornot :  frankly with your updates you sound quite me me me. 

Post # 13
Member
3381 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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selfishornot :  my apologies – i read that wrong. But still – i do know exactly what you’re saying. Your 20s are a time when a lot of self-discovery happens; it’s hard to be in a committed relationship during that time and then stay together afterwards just because it’s so common that people grow and wind up no longer compatible. Hope you and your husband figure out whatever will make you two happiest 

Post # 14
Member
10371 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

You are putting money ahead of your partners wants.

What you’re saying is the money is more important to you than what he might want.

Post # 15
Bee
5138 posts
Bee Keeper

There’s something about your posts that rubs me the wrong way. You can’t seem to care about anything that isn’t going to benefit you, and you alone. At this point you should probably remain single for a while. Marriage isn’t just about what one person wants.

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