(Closed) Am I being Selfish? It’s not how I ever dreamed it would be…:(

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2512 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@MissJitterbug: I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.
I think most brides have that “vision” of what the ring, the proposal, the planning  and even what the day will look like. For many of us, this isn’t always a reality. So don’t feel alone or selfish.

Also, marrying someone from another culture comes with a lot of understand and at times comprimise. Have you sat down with your Fiance and had a convo about how you are feeling? I think for him, it may be hard to see things from your point of view. So maybe let him know how you feel and let him know that you are feeling sad because of how things are going.

Maybe you can also get a temp ring for the meantime. Doesn’t have to be anything special, but maybe it will make you feel better.

And when you get those ugly comments, ignore them. These people clearly don’t know your situation and you shouldn’t waste your time stressing about them. The people who really care about you will care enough to know the truth and be understanding

I wish you luck and hope that you can remember that this is all for love and one day you will look back and just laugh about all this stress.

Post # 4
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I don’t think you’re being selfish.  I think it will get better with time, but I certainly think it’s fair to be frustrated about.  Is he Orthodox?  I’m not, but I do know of someone in my church growing up who followed that tradition and just did a betrothal ceremony during mass.  It was quite lovely and they didn’t have any sort of a party afterwards.  She got her ring then.  Is there any way he could meet you half way and do something like that?

Post # 5
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I have a suggestion..can you have your Fiance get the ring and you wear it now and have it blessed at the wedding?…It doesn’t hurt to wear it now does it? If it’s some sort of taboo, try a placement ring/band until then.  Try to not let it get in the way of the happy time ahead. =) Good luck.

Post # 6
Member
10287 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I don’t think you’re selfish at all. Infact, if I were in your situation, I would feel the exact same way. Every girl deserves to have her dream wedding regardless of how many times her fiancé has been married before. As for the ring, while some see it as just a piece of jewelry, it really is much more. It’s a symbol of your love for one another and I don’t blame you one bit for wanting one. In my circle, if you don’t have a ring you’re not really engaged. While I don’t necessarily agree with this logic, the ring is a symbol of the engagement therefore normally people expect you to have one.

If I were you, I would explain to your Fiance that this is YOUR wedding day and you deserve to have the wedding of your dreams. If he won’t spring for anything elaborate, that’s fine but you still deserve a wedding. I don’t really know what you can do about the ring since the reason you don’t have one is culture based but I think that if you really want one, you should be allowed to have it. I don’t know much about different cultures (FI and I are from the same background) but why is it that only he gets his way? Marriage is a two way street, ya know. If it’s important to you, which it clearly is, he should do whatever he can to make you happy.  

Post # 8
Member
2547 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

While I don’t think you are at all being selfish, I also really gets your fiances point of view.

This is what I think on the ring. You guys are engaged, you are already making plans, therefore, a ring really (in my opinion) is not necessary. If people are going to be asholes because culturally you do something different, then they ar enot your real friends. Real friends understand differences. Honestly, I find it romantic!

About the wedding, I see your fiances pessism towards the money aspect. He got married once, it was only one day, and he probably spent a wackload of money on it. I could be biased, because we plan to get married with just me, my fiance, and my son on a beach somwhere (who knows when!!), because I agree that it sorta is a waste of money. As a little girl, I actually planned my wedding, but as I grew up, realized that dream will be for only 1 day, and quite honestly, I want to share that day, with the two people I love the most, instead of jumping around from table to table hugging everyone, and making small chat.

Advice:

Compromise! Thats what marriage is all about. Have a small ceremony and reception with your closest friends and family. Budget friendly, plus uber romantic!

Post # 9
Member
1565 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think you’re being selfish, but sounds like you might have a very romanticized vision of what engagement/wedding planning is like. For most couples, this isn’t some sort of fairytale period of perfection – money issues, family issues, relationship issues all come to a head and present real, challenging obstacles. And it sounds like you have some extra challenges to deal with because you are a) marrying into another culture b) marrying someone who’s been married before. I think both of these issues are going to play a role in your relationship long after the wedding is over. So this is a perfect opportunity to discuss and compromise, whether in the context of pre-marital counseling or as informal conversations between the two of you. I think that you two need to be very clear on how much his culture is going to impact your lives. Will it be a 50/50 split, or is he not going to budge on following all the traditions and restrictions that he grew up with (and if so, what are these traditions and are you comfortable with that?)

You can’t change his family’s attitude towards the wedding, so you may never have as much attention and excitement as you might wish for. But I think plenty of first time couples have this issue too. We definitely did – his family just did not care about the planning, but we still had a beautiful wedding. However, some of the other issues can definitely be compromised on – like having you wear the ring before it’s blessed, having a “placeholder ring”, etc.   

Good luck! 

Post # 10
Member
2260 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m so so sorry that you have to go through this! And you definitely are not being selfish, I understand your Fiance has done it all before, but its still your first time and you deserve to have the wedding of your dreams too!

I’m glad to hear that at least his family is supportive of you two, even though they may be wary of another big wedding but hopefully you could find a good compromise? So maybe you have a smaller-medium size wedding with certain things that you find most important (whatever that might be) so that way you still can have your dream but he doesn’t have to fear having something large and expensive?

As for your ring, have you thought of getting a fake ring (as in not your actual one, not necessarily one that will turn your finger green) in the meanwhile?

Post # 11
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Oh my goodness I am so sorry that people have projected their material worship onto you. Marriage is personal and we should all be given the respect of doing it the way we see fit. You do not need a ring to be loved and to be planning a wedding. Hold your head high.

Post # 12
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

He most definitely needs to compromise on the ring situation. I personally did NOT want a ring at all. I don’t like wearing anything on my hands/fingers. (It seems to get in my way.) But Fiance was hellbent on getting me one, so he did. But I do take it off when I get home from work. And there are places where I won’t wear the ring to at all like vacation, spa, beach, etc.

Similarly your Fiance needs to come to a compromise. His religious beliefs are not your religious beliefs. Even on something like that, compromises can be made if you brainstorm. Like some PP mentioned do a super small ceremony or do it during Mass.

As for others making comments on you not having a ring… Well… f**k ’em! Ring does not equal engagement. It is more so a meeting of the minds to commit to eachother in marriage. Let them know. Because seems like they have NO idea and that is very detrimental to their relationships.

As for your boss’s generosity, you should not have accepted that ring. Please return it pronto! That just makes it look like you are engaged to your boss. Eew!

Post # 13
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Yeah, I have to say that your boss buying you a diamond ring sounds really really weird to m.

Post # 15
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Your wedding is in over a year from now, no one even asked my about my wedding or recognized I was engaged (in our families) until they had to ask a logistic question when it got closer. I’ll bet his family shows a little more enthusiasm next year around this time.

Post # 16
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

While he definitely has a point about the wedding and spending tons of money on it (I had my “expensive” wedding 6 months ago, and looking back, wish that we had eloped somewhere really fabulous instead of involving dramatic family members and spending a ton of money), I had to have my own wedding and go through that to understand where that opinion comes from. I would have protested against that sentiment if I had not done my wedding.

That said, a ring – any ring, even the simplest ring – is a symbol. I think if you want one, you should have one!

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