(Closed) .. am i being selfish? – need feedback :(

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3241 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

It sounds like you are trying to be realistic about the situation and it’s totally fair for you to voice your concerns to him.  Try to imagine the situation was reversed, and you had a job/career/goal that you really wanted to pursue and your FH told you he didn’t want you to go through with it.  I know it’s hard and you don’t want to loose him, but if you keep people from doing what they truly want to do, you may have him physically, but loose him emotionally.  Not a right and wrong, but a good idea to keep talking about it with him and the two of you will hopefully come to a decision.

Post # 4
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

It’s not selfish, but I do think you’re being a little closed minded. I would go with him to talk to a recruiter (or 2) and see what they say, not every job in the military is dangerous, and Air Force is one of the “easiest” branches. I was in the Navy and loved it, it’s really helped me grow as a person and also set me up in life. There are so many benefits, you have to decide if the cons are greater or not for the 2 of you.

Post # 5
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

It’s not selfish at all.  That is something that needs to be discussed between both of you before a decision is made.  My husband’s dad was in the Air Force as an officer and he never went overseas.  But they did move every 4 years.  You need to think if that is what you would really like for the next possibly 20 years.

Post # 6
Member
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I know from experience how hard it is to be without your spouse for long lengths of time due to military service. It isn’t something that everyone or every relaionship can handle.

My now exhusband was in the Navy and did multiple 6month plus deployments during our short 2 yr marriage. He missed the last half of my pregnancy with our daughter as well as her birth and the first two months of her life. That’s just the tip of the iceberg to the things he missed while gone and the strain it ultimately had on our relationship.

However, I am still proud of his service. No matter our personal outcome, because it was something he had always wanted to do.

My opinion is that you should really sit down and talk to him some more. Really explain to him your feelings but also truely listen to his on the issue.

I hope very much that no matter what decision is made that everything works out for you guys! Best of Luck to you!!

Post # 7
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

No, you are not being selfish at all.  Such an enormous life choice affects you both, and you both deserve to have a say in it. That doesn’t mean putting your foot down and forbidding it, but he shouldn’t be making light of your very legitimate concerns about his safety, potential absences, and the way it would affect your own career/family/friendships if you had to constantly be moving.

Post # 8
Member
759 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

i have no experience on the matter what so ever but i told FH that i am glad he is not in the military because “i am a selfish person and could not go that long without seeing you”

while on the other hand, if FH decided that that was really something he wanted to do I would be there to support him every step of the way,

Post # 9
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I don’t think you’re being selfish nor closed-minded. I can understand your apprehension. FH has talked about taking on a huge consulting job that could last up to a year (politics) which would begin about a month after our wedding. This means that he basically won’t be around that often. Nothing like someone in the military, but he’ll be emotionally unavailable a big portion of that time (I know from past consulting gigs).

This is something you and your Fiance will need to discuss more. Especially how long he imagines joining, what will happen if you have children, what are your dreams/goals after marriage, etc. As PP suggested, maybe going with him to speak with a recruiter.

 

Post # 10
Member
1956 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School

Honestly, I could NEVER have a spouse who was in the military, so personally, I think you are in the right.

But I know a lot of folks feel differently…

Post # 11
Member
7296 posts
Busy Beekeeper

i do not think you are being selfish AT ALL!  or you know what, maybe you are a little bit, but SO WHAT! i think you are allowed to be. i joke about it with my Fiance only because i know it will never be an issue, but i have gone over a long list of things he is not “allowed” to do, which include but are not limited to: being in the army, navy, whatever, being a police officer or any other profession that potentially involves being shot at, etc etc!

maybe because i am Canadian too, i don’t place any special value on being in the military. i just moved to the states and already saw how my boss was so excited his son was joining the military, like it was something to be proud of! and my reaction (inside only, i didn’t share it with him of course!) was: what on earth is exciting about him joining something where he could potentially risk his life or take others?? i totally don’t get it at all and i would not for one second tolerate my husband joining the military in any way.   

Post # 12
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

@dynamic_duo:“saw how my boss was so excited his son was joining the military, like it was something to be proud of!”

 

Wow, way rude. A son or daughter or friend or relative joining the Military IS something to be VERY proud of. What a completely offensive and disgusting attitude.

Post # 13
Member
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Belle2Be: I totally agree!!!

Being from Canada doesn’t make it ok for anyone to be disrespectful to our country’s views on Military service.

Post # 14
Member
7296 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@Belle2Be:  you know what, you are right and i apologize. i knew it was not the nicest thing to think and that is why i did not say anything to my boss about how i felt.  i should have realized that i could have offended some people on here as well.  but it was just something i do not understand.  everything i see or hear about wars and stuff going on in Iraq and people dying and fighting. i just don’t get it. i don’t get why there has to be any of that. i know i can’t change the world, and i know i am completely unrealistic in the way i look at it.  but i always just think that if things like wars, guns, bombs whatever….just did NOT exist, then there would be no need for the military in any part of the world. i always think it so sad that people lose their lives in any country so needlessly. and i would never want anyone i love to participate in it.  like i said, i know i am completely un-realistic, but i think that if everyone simply refused to go to war to begin with (again in any country and any part of the world), then there wouldn’t be any!

anyway, i certainly don’t want to hi-jack this thread. i just wanted to apologize for what i said and try to explain where it came from.

Post # 15
Member
7300 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I can be honest with myself and know that I would leave my Fiance if he chose to join the military. It’s not a life I want and to be honest with you, it’s a decision that both of you should make together. It would be selfish of him to just join and not speak to you about it. Not all of us have the same views of the military and that’s fine. I feel like purple unicorn. I would not be happy about him possibly being deployed overseas and harming others or getting killed himself. I wouldn’t want to deal with the after effects either. I have a friend that left her marine Fiance after he came back from Iraq. He refused to get help and he was a danger to her, their child, and himself. Some people may see it as selfish, but it’s your life. You shouldn’t just swallow it because it’s the right thing to do in the eyes of the country. 

Be honest with yourself and your Fiance. This would be a deal breaker to me. 

Post # 16
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I struggled with the same thing not too long ago. On the one hand, I wanted to be just as supportive of FI’s career interests as he is of mine, but then again he wanted to pursue a much more dangerous path. When we met he was working as an engineer in drilling operations, not without its risks, but certainly different than the army. Military service also requires a lot of sacrifice from family members.

It was a long process, but ultimately I decided I was fine with it and would support Fiance unconditionally. He would never be happy at a desk job, and would have taken another job that required a LDR at times, so that was a given either way. I also struggled with the politics, we’re both very liberal and do not agree with how our military is sometimes used. I had to start thinking about what he would actually be doing, and the fact that despite our troops being in a conflict I don’t think should have started, they are there now and doing things day to day that work toward stability and helping people in those countries. 

I’ve felt guilty about being selfish and wanting him to stay here and out of harm’s way. It took a while to realize that it was not selfish of me at all to want my partner here with me! My Fiance is leaving soon for Army OCS, and I am so proud of him, but that does not mean I shouldn’t worry and miss him.

It is one thing to support a spouse’s dreams at home, but with the military you may end up sacrificing some of your own or at least postponing them. You will move a lot, be separated and deal with all the stresses of the lifestyle. It is NOT selfish to consider how your life will change too.

Also, is your Fiance talking to anyone besides recruiters? Someone without an agenda may better describe what life in the military is really like. 

The topic ‘.. am i being selfish? – need feedback :(’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors