(Closed) Am I being sensitive or are my in-laws excluding me?

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 19
Member
685 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Miss Moxy:  I do not think you are being sensitve at all, I know how it feels to be left out, my Fiance has 4 sisters and I have been left out of numerous events. But this is a little more harsh, I am sorry I hope things get better for both you and your Fiance. 

Post # 20
Member
9541 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

View original reply
@Miss Moxy:  Well, then you’re doing what you can. Keep inviting the to stuff, but don’t count on them if they are consistently unreliable. Honestly, I’d find some friends to socialize with that are less stressful than his family. If they come around, great, if not, don’t let it upset you. You can’t force friendliness. You just can’t. But you don’t have to let it bring you down. 

Post # 21
Member
7367 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@Atalanta:  +1 This is situation sound so bizarre and stressful. I’m not one for putting out good behavior and being reciprocated with bullshit. I’ll go right ahead and ignore you. 

Was there something that happened that with you and the Mother-In-Law or other family members that they may be holding on to. None of this makes sense. 

Post # 22
Member
511 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

You are not being sensitive.  They are being jerks. I get left out at my FI’s family.  It’s a group that has been together for 10+ years.  All the GF’s, FI’s, DH’s have been with that family seriously for over 10 years.  I’m the new comer by a good 7 years.  It’s frustrating.  The only way I’ve dealt with it is that we live far from them. Fiance is 2+ hours and I’m 8 hours.  We only go together, that way Fiance shows I am part of him, we have a time limit of how long we stay, and Fiance doesn’t leave me to fend for myself.  We also only go on major holidays.  We did go on one vacation with them for a few days but we stayed in a different hotel, had our own car and had scheduled time for just us to give me a break from them.  It is getting better with time, but seriously- 3 years and it’s still going on, i still feel like an outsider.  All I can suggest is to limit your interactions with them to what you can tolerate and get SO on your side, which it sounds like he is.  It sucks, I hope it improves for you.

Post # 23
Member
3680 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It sounds like they don’t like you. Have you ever had a falling-out with them, or an argument, or can you think of any reason why they wouldn’t like you? This behavior is really not normal.

Post # 24
Member
2542 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think you’re being excluded but I don’t have any advice since I often feel like this is happening to us as well. Good luck!

Post # 25
Member
557 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@Miss Moxy:  Don’t say you can’t handle the job! That just gives them more fuel. As long as it isn’t a job that you necessarily need and you haven’t been there long enough that you would *need* her as a reference, just tell her omething along the lines of you do not feel like it is working out and you are going to actively search for another job. Don’t waste your time getting involved in conflict, but also do not make yourself look weak.

I think his family is just a bunch of jerks, and regardless of you and your husbands personalities, this is family and family should be accepting of everyone (unless someone is extremely violent/sever drug abuser). I would try and move if your husbands could get a job elsewhere.

Post # 26
Member
965 posts
Busy bee

when my mom first started dating my dad and even for the engagement and the first year or two of marriage my grandma (my dads mom) didn’t like my mom. My mom and grandma started to bond when my sister(her first child)was born. my sister was her first grand child. But basically my moms relationship with my grandma truly developed since my sister was born and they have a better relationship then it was before my sister was born. My mom didn’t feel acknowledged at first but the birth of my sister and I my grandma now eknowedges her. Just hang in there. It will get better overtime. 

Post # 27
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I feel so sorry for your situation, OP. I do hope that things change if you can have a serious conversation with your in-laws. Maybe they will make more of an effort to make sure you are included if they know you feel this way.

Unfortunatley, based on my parents’ experience, it may not get better over time – even with grandkids – and you might need to be prepared for that. I grew up without having any real relationship with my grandmother on my dad’s side, because she never liked my mom. She treats all of her other grandkids better than she treats my siblings and I, and it’s extremely painful.

My parents tried for years to turn the situation around, but in general, people don’t change, and my grandmother was not an exception. :/

I hope that no matter what happens, you can turn to your husband and friends for as much support as possible.

Post # 28
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree that they are excluding you. I wouldn’t work for my Mother-In-Law if she treated me like this.

Ask your husband to stand up for you. Keep in mind that it might add more fuel to the fire in terms of them gossiping. 

My in-laws live very far away, so there is no way for me to feel excluded. Many of my husband’s family have sent me friend requests on Facebook. I don’t want them to see what I post, but I didn’t want to seem mean or standoffish. I hardly care about their opinion since I rarely see them. I communicate with my Brother-In-Law and his wife, along with my husband’s aunt and my parents-in-law. 

Post # 29
Member
1722 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

How deplorable that you are being treated this way. In all honesty, I hate my sister-in-law (my brother’s wife), but I would never, ever treat her like that. I occasionally direct conversation her way (she…doesn’t really make it back), I smile, I compliment her (genuinely), etc. This kind of behavior is inexcusable and it’s obvious they want you out of the way.

The vague not telling of the engagement party is one sign. The “not inviting you to dinner explicitly” when they knew you would be there is another. Etiquette would suggest they would say, “We’re all going there at blank o’clock to get dinner, how about you come too?” The fact that this wasn’t mentioned is a telltale sign.

Ask your husband to speak to them. Is there some unintentional, grossly-exaggerated slight that’s causing them to put you on the backburner…for years? You’re right that this clique-ish kind of behavior is concerning.

I feel for you – being so far from your family – and then you have no support with his family. I’m with the others in that I think you may want to consider quitting this job. MIL’s just extending her reach of socially isolating you. Anything is better than that kind of environment, where co-workers are teeheeing because you’ve purposely been left out of the fold.

 

Post # 30
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

View original reply
@Miss Moxy:  seriously. Something’s wrong with them! 

I think trying to move back is a wise idea. You’re not going to change them. Apparently, you’ve tried and still, the answer is zero. 

Did DH talk to them yet?

with regards to your job I’d be honest and tell her you find it a bit awkward working in an environment where random coworkers know more about what’s going on in your family than you. 

Post # 31
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee

Most certainly not being sensitive.  Your in-laws got caught out a number of times,and they don’t seem to care.  In fact, they keep the behavior up.

May I make a suggestion?  Do yourself and your husband a favor.  GET ANOTHER JOB.  Find something, anything else.  I know you said the economy is not great (don’t I know!), but get away from  the Mother-In-Law.  It will at least give you breathing room whereby you don’t feel you are under assault from every person in the darn place knowing more about the family than you do.

Now, I hate to lay this on you, but this distance may, just may, continue.  You may find that you and your hubby will always be on the outside looking in.  Personally, I find that being hundreds of miles away from the in-laws suits me just fine.  One day, maybe not yet, but one day, you might have to see how that settles with you and your husband.

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