(Closed) Am I being sensitive or is he really being a jerk?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Maybe the honeymoon is wearing off and you are seeing what he’s really like?  

Do you normally get feedback that you tend to complain or nag?  If not, I think he’s likely off base.  From the way you described it here, it doesn’t sound like you’ve said anything strange to him.  A big part of being someone’s SO is being that person that they can talk to and be themselves around.

I know that I have to temper myself with my Darling Husband at times and save certain topics for my mom or my friends – some things are just better for girltalk.  But if I felt like he was constantly shutting down conversation with me, that’d be a problem.

Post # 4
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@twu123: I’m sorry 🙁  I don’t think you’re being too sensitive.  I think you just really need to sit down and explain to him how you feel. I’m a talker too…so I get how some people get kinda annoyed and how you don’t even realize you’re doing anything wrong bc in my eyes, i’m just trying to have a conversation.  If you sit and tell him how you feel and are honest with him and nothing changes?  Then you might have to figure something out…because its not ok for him to treat you like that at all.

Post # 5
2565 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

How long has he been apart from his ex-wife before you two began going out?

I do wonder if the honeymoon stage is wearing off and you’re beginning to see his true colors.  I don’t think any of your questions have been bad… Women just tend to be more inquisitive.

Post # 6
839 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@twu123:  I don’t think you’re being too sensitive, I completely understand why you are upset with the things he has said. You shouldn’t be expected to change your personality just because he thinks you talk too much. 

BUT, he shouldn’t be expected to change, either. Some people just aren’t meant to be with each other. Maybe he should be with someone who isn’t as outspoken as you are. That doesn’t make you or him a bad person, it just means you want different things.

I know it feels like it, but you a year of dating isn’t really that long. Give it some time to see if you REALLY want to be with this person for the rest of your life. It takes a while to really get to know someone, and it sounds like getting engaged now may be to soon for you both, especially since it sounds like you are both still hung up on past relationship woes. If after a while it still doesn’t get better, break it off and move on. You BOTH deserve someone who doesn’t want to change you. 

You can’t be yourself around him, and that’s a big problem. You don’t want to be walking on egg shells for the rest of your life.

Post # 7
3471 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

It sounds like his mini-speech about not playing the victim was more to himself than to you. Especially if he just got dealt another blow about a relationship he thought was over… 

As for the comments about questions, this type of thing takes time, rather than getting upset about it, it’s best to talk about these types of things in a clam and ratoinal way, explain to him WHY it makes you upset when he says things like that, and then give him a chance to explain WHY he says them. 

I can remember very early on in my relationship, I had asked Darling Husband if he had a document or something (nothing important, I think it was a membership card to some organization like Duck’s Unlimited or something) and he had responded “no” a little while later I found the document in a stack and I said something along the lines of “oh, you lier, it’s right here…” and Darling Husband flipped out on me, he realized almost immediately that it was a disproportonate response to what had upset him and he apologized, but for some reason my calling him a lier, even in a joking way, REALLY bothered him.  So, I pormised not to use that term again and he promised to temper his reactions to things that I did that bothered him.  We’ve had a few more moments like that (going both ways) where one of us said something that bothered the other, but it’s never escalated to that level again. 

Bottom line is communication, if you can’t work though these issues, you’ll never make it to the bigger ones. 

Post # 8
2958 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

If this is a constant thing, you will have to alter your personality just to please him. You can’t do that! If he can’t handle your communication style, it might not be best to get engaged.

Post # 9
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

It sounds like you two are just not a match. I am quieter and don’t like to talk more than necessary. My Darling Husband is similar, so we get along great. But I have dated guys that are talkers and I just couldn’t deal with it. They were great guys but we just were not compatible. If you two can’t reach a comfortable middle ground, you will both be unhappy.

Post # 10
2448 posts
Buzzing bee

@twu123:  I  don’t think you are being too sensitive.

I don’t think he is being that much of a jerk either. It sounds like maybe he is going through something and is a little irritable (we all go through stages like that and sometimes we don’t even know why).

If it keeps up, then maybe it is time to sit down and talk about communication styles and see if you guys can live with eachothers “quirks”.

Post # 11
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I agree with the PP that it is possible you just are not really suited, personality-wise. He sounds like he is great in many respects, I don’t think he is being a jerk, but I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong either. If your ‘true self’ is irritating and aggravating to someone to the point where you have to be self-conscious about what you say or how you act, then in my book that’s just not the right relationship for the long haul. I’m not saying break up with him, but I wouldn’t rush to the altar, either. To me this sounds like it will resolve itself over the next few months – either he will learn to tolerate your personality better, or the irritations between you will get to the point where you will break up.  When you are with the right person, it shouldn’t be so hard!

Post # 12
7651 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@twu123:  What I have gathered from your post is that you aren’t being too sensitive, but I did notice it seems like you ask questions to validate your feelings on things or you need to know more information than necessary (such as asking him if he was full from what he was eating. I assume if you ask him how his diet is going and he says good, that should be good enough, but I am one that isn’t a questioner).

I understand your communication style is to ask questions, and that’s ok. If that is how YOU communicate, then that is the way it is, but he also can’t be expected to just deal with it either. If you guys have a hard time communicating the way you are, then you need to sit down and figure out a healthy balance.

Post # 14
511 posts
Busy bee

This isn’t an issue of women talking more than men. This is an issue of apparent incompatibility between two individuals. He’s going through something really tough right now and it’s possible that quirks from you that he could brush aside before are now eating at him. When something strongly irritates a person, it’s hard to stop from lashing out, no matter how many times he promises not to. It’d be like me promising to not flinch and get upset when someone cracks their joints…it’s just never going to happen no matter my best intentions!

Give it a bit more time and a bit more patience. But also check to see if there were signs of this before he received the news. It’s very possible you two have happy times together, but aren’t well suited for the long term.

Post # 15
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@twu123:  I think it could be a combo of him being a jerk ad you beig sensitive. hard to say without being there to observe. However, at the end of the day what I see is that you two aren’t compatible. You have your personality and he has his. There’s nothing wrong with either of them, they just don’t seem to mix well together. Neither should have to change anything. There is someone more suited fr each of your personalities out there.

Post # 16
8438 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Wait what are you doing in a relationship with another man if you are still grieving over your past relationship? That seems a bit unfair to him. Maybe he can tell that you haven’t put your last relationship behind you and might feel that the constant questioning is your way of checking up on him or trying to catch him in a lie.

Honestly I think you need to sort yourself out first and then maybe focus on your relationship problems.


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