(Closed) Am I being the unreasonable one? Living separately.

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3943 posts
Honey bee

Well, regarding the financial side he could be right. How long has he owned his condo? With the economy the way it is now, he could take a huge hit if he sold right now. Do you know what he paid, how much he still owes, and how much similar condos are selling for in the area? Also taking into account that his condo needs some work done on it. Many people who bought in the last few years, myself included, are upside down on the mortgage. I could never sell right now even though renting would be cheaper.

With that said, it sounds like you guys should have talked about all this a long time ago. I remember your other posts and it sounds like you are on two different pages about what you see for the future. Many couples do live apart during the week for work, and then get together on the weekends. But it’s tough and it’s usually a temporary solution.

It sounds like you guys need to talk through a  little more about what you both hope and expect for the future-including living arrangements.

 

 

Post # 4
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@ananeele:  So I’m assuming your wedding date is incorrect then?

I would move. He isn’t willing to budge and is being stubborn. Relationships are all about compromise and he is digging his heels in the mud.  

The fact that you are thinking it’s another hint, also has me thinking, that you know this relationship may not be the best for you. Start living for yourself and see if he follows along behind you. If he doesn’t it may be time to move on entirely.

Post # 6
Member
4337 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@ananeele:  I second mtwitter’s advice. I would work towards finding a place in Fairfax (or even closer to DC) and move, with or without him.

I’ve done commuting and it’s torturous. Mine was anywhere from 45 mins to 2 hours depending on traffic and weather, and I hated it. I was tired and never got anything done – gym, housework, etc.  Fiance and I moved, and I am a million times happier.

Not only is it hurting your health and work performance, as you say, it is also damaging your relationship – it leaves you very little time to be together. I understand his financial concerns, but he should’ve brought that up earlier when you first discussed moving.

Move on your own – if it’s a priority to him, he’ll find a way to either follow you or take steps to see you as often as possible. 

Post # 7
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

Post # 8
Member
3943 posts
Honey bee

@ananeele:  Oh ok, well that changes things then.

Like a PP said, relationships are about compromise. It sounds like he isn’t willing to work on finding a solution at all, and that isn’t fair to you. Like you said, right now you should be focusing on your new career and all the exciting things you have ahead of you. Commuting that far SUCKS. I did it for close to a year and it seriously to a toll on me emotionally, physically, and financially. Like you said, I was exhausted when I came home and didnt have time to work out, eat healthy or even just relax. It was awful and for me, it wasn’t worth it.

I think you two should really have a serious convo. But if he isn’t willing to compromise then you need to do what is best for yourself in this situation.

Post # 10
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

All I wanted to say is good for you!  Sometimes you need to do what is best for you and I hope that he comes to his senses and realises what is going on! Good luck and you can do it!

Post # 11
Member
229 posts
Helper bee

Good decision 🙂 I can’t even imaging commuting from Pentagon to Ashburn every day… that sounds like pure torture. Your SO should be cooking you three-course gourmet meals every night. As MissBri said, I hope he comes to his senses!

Post # 12
Member
408 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

My FH’s grandparents live in Chevy Chase neighborhood (in DC, not the town in Maryland) and commuting ANYWHERE is a PITA. I could not imagine a 2 hour commute each way. When I had a 1 hr commute for 3 weeks (before I transferred jobs) I thought I was dying…I think you should do what is best for you. It doesn’t sound like he is very concerned for what is best for the both of you–he has plenty of options as you have laid them out for us….good luck dear. Stay strong!

Post # 13
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

First your new job sounds cool with all the traveling.I would totally love that.Maybe he will choose to rent out his condo and you two can purchase some real estate together.The four hours of driving on top of working all day would get old really fast.I think your plan is a good one. Move and hopefully he will be willing to compromise.I bet he will miss you big time.Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
949 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Oh wow, that sounds really rough. Yeah, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Especially considering that you’re not saying “Let’s move closer to just my job” but “Let’s move somewhere more convenient to both our jobs”. And I get that letting go of a house can be difficult, but not getting to spend basically any time with each other or even at home is just not functional.

At one point, I was looking at a potential job about an hour and 45 minutes away, and Fiance and I agreed that I would need to get some sort of housing in that city to use during the week. Not ideal, but a fix, and that would not have been a permanent job either.

Post # 15
Member
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I agree with other bees…and good for you for putting your foot down!! 2hrs is a ridiculous commute. You tried to compromise, he lied and said he was going to compromise…but DIDN’T. I look forward to seeing what he says, so please keep us updated! I really hope he figures it out, but if he doesn’t…well, I guess there’s someone EVEN BETTER out there for you 🙂

Post # 16
Member
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

My BFF and her husband had to make the decision to live separately and see each other on the weekend due to his HELLACIOUS commute. It was a great job opportunity, but my BFF had a job that she could not leave. It sucked to be apart (her living in the house and he had to get an apartment). They did it for a few months. Her job transfer finally came through and as of yesterday she started! They are now getting to function as a normal couple, going to bed with the spouse every night. It was hard, but something they had to do temporarily… they AGREED to do it together. Sounds like you are on your own. I think there’s not time like the present to keep it moving. If he loves you, hopefully he’ll catch up and it can work out.

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