(Closed) Am I being too controlling??

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@caiti_182:  Did he choose your wedding dress or have any say? If not, you shouldn’t choose his outfit either. My comment: small things and pick your battles. You’re marrying the man, not the clothes. I understand some ladies get all fussed about details, but it’s just one day. If something makes my man happy, I do what I can to make it happen.

Post # 33
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I don’t think you’re being controlling. This shit actually really pisses me off when guys declare they are going to wear something that they clearly only intend to wear because it is ridiculous- what is your wedding some kind of joke to him?  

Post # 34
Member
5188 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

@MrsPanda99:  +1 

exactly. Is your dress dark purple or teal? Don’t tell me it’s not! That wouldn’t match your colors and would therefore make you a hypocrite. So what if he wants to wear something different? You’re worried about the photos? I’d rather look back at my photos 20 years from now and laugh, than yawn at how dull they are. 

Post # 35
Member
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Aquaria:  +1 ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m glad someone agrees. I figured everyone would be shocked and horrifed that someone’s Fiance wanted to break the mold. It’s a small thing, so who really cares? It will add to the fun of the day, and when you look back on pictures, you will look back on a happy and smiling man, not someone who got stuffed into a tux he didn’t want to wear.

ETA: My Fiance asked me what he should wear for our weddingmoon. My response? Whatever he wants.

Post # 36
Member
1130 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@MrsPanda99:  +1 On the flip side though, if you wanted to wear something super non-traditional, would he have a problem with it?

Maybe let him know it’s not what you would prefer with regard to the cohesive look of the wedding and for pictures, but if he really wants it he better get to looking because that’s definitely not a tux staple any more!

Post # 37
Member
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@CaliHoya:  He wouldn’t care if I wore my PJs, lol. We are a very low key couple. He is going to come with me to pick my dress, and likely I will “help” him choose his outfit too. Based on how happy and comfortable he looks in the clothes, I will decide which I like best ๐Ÿ˜‰

It’s a big day with a lot of pressure, so we both need to look and feel our best, not like we are puppets for our partner. I don’t dress him on a daily basis, so why start now? Though I’m sure he’d love if I laid his clothes out, lol. I’m not big on being “motherly” to an intimate, sexual partner.

Post # 38
Member
1130 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@MrsPanda99:  Sorry! I was asking the OP, not you. I was basically asking her if he gave opinions on her dress and if so maybe point out that he provided his opinions and now she’s providing hers. Regardless though, she probably needs to say her piece and let it go because she picked her outfit so he picks his.

I totally agree though. We gave each other opinions on what we liked and didn’t like and chose together. Now, he doesn’t know which dress I chose, but he saw the different options. And I know what tux he’s wearing because he wanted my help choosing, but I wouldn’t tell him he couldn’t wear something.

Post # 39
Member
11465 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I don’t know you or your Fiance, but he’s either toying with you just to see how long he can keep you believing that he actually plans to do this and how upset this thought is making you, OR he really has it in his head that it would be totally cool and fun to wear this very retro “Dumb and Dumber” throwback tuxedo.

If it’s the former, you’re not likely going to get him to stop the rouse until he is ready to do so.  If it’s the latter, you may need to solicit a little help from others who have some influence over him (his best guy friend, his brother if he has one, his mom or dad, etc) to help you gently persuade him to do otherwise.

If all else fails, I would try being as objective and logical as possible (so that if he is trying to jerk you around just to see if he can keep you upset about this, he will tire of his little game and come clean), and say something along the lines of:  “I know you really like the idea of this retro look, but, honestly, people are just NOT going to understand, because it is completely inconsistent with the theme and colors of our wedding. If you changed into it for the dancing portion of the reception, people will get that it’s supposed to be funny, and they’ll likely LOVE your sense of adventure and humor and probably will even cheer you for it. However, if you insist on wearing this for our ceremony, and in all of our formal wedding pictures, well, honey, people are just going to be questioning your taste and judgment, and they’re secretly going to be laughing at the thought of you seeing yourself in this Baby Blue tux in your wedding pictures for the next 70 years. And, honestly, some of them will be cringing and feeling sorry for me.  I’m not sure that’s what you want your friends, family and co-workers to be thinking on the day of our wedding.”

 

Post # 40
Member
11744 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

No sorry I’d never allow this. I took my DH’s likes/dislikes into account when dress shopping, so I expected him to do the same when choosing his tux.  Luckily, our tastes are very much the same so we had no issues.

If he’s dead set on it, tell him he can change into it at the reception after all the major events have happened (e.g., first dance, cake cutting, etc).

 

Post # 41
Member
4801 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@caiti_182:  he said its all or nothing! 


Um, then I would tell him you pick nothing. Totally agree that guys should have a say over the wedding too, but if he is just going to not care about anything else and then try to be stubborn over this one stupid detail, I’d be pissed – like @MmeVT: said, your wedding isn’t a joke! So not the place for it.

Post # 42
Member
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

How about going to the thrift store and finding the most hideous looking 80s prom dress then telling him that you found your wedding dress?! lol

Post # 43
Member
4523 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@caiti_182:  I say that a fair compromise would be for him to get to wear it for the reception ๐Ÿ™‚

ETA: just saw he said no to the reception plan. Honestly, if it means that much to him, try to find a more contemporary version and let him have his way. Did he have any say in your gown, but ultimately let you choose what YOU wanted? If so, I think the same should happen for him.

Post # 44
Member
28 posts
Newbee

@Aquaria:  Except would the laughter be genuine laughter because it’s so funny, or just a nervous chuckle because the bride and groom are both thinking “omg, what the hell were we thinking?!”

 

 

 

OP, I’m going to say this. If he has given absolutely no opinions on your wedding attire (i.e. that he could really care less what you show up in, or just thinks you look beautiful in everything), then unfortunately you don’t really get to dictate what he wears. On the other hand, if he’s offering “opinions” left and right about what you wear–you know, opinions like “it better be white”, “no tiara at all”, “I really hope you’re wearing a veil”, “better not be some hoochie-mama dress”–then you’re perfectly free to point out to him that you’ve got just as much right to have an opinion about his attire as he does over yours!

 

I think the best thing to do would either be to let it go, come up with a compromise, or offer a concrete reason why a blue tux would be unacceptable. Going back to your original compromise, wearing it to the reception. He said that it was all or nothing, that he’d either get to wear it to both the ceremony and the reception, or not at all. If you were having a very nontraditional ceremony and reception I’d advise at this point to just let it go. It sounds though like at least your ceremony will be fairly traditional. Since this is the case, and especially if it were at a church, I think I would have a gentle talk with him and explain that while you already don’t like the idea of a baby blue ruffly tux, such a silly clothing ensemble might not only clash horribly with everything around you, but also possibly be offensive to the officiant, and possibly offensive to some of the guests too. I’m sure approaching him with that kind of sensibility would help him realize it’s not so cool to be the lone comedian in a wedding ceremony and he’ll at least save the baby blues for the reception.

 

But in all honesty, I really, truly think (and hope!) that your guy is just pulling your leg. He keeps referencing Dumb and Dumber and Lord knows that any notable fashion choices in that movie were simply for laughs and/or eyerolls. According to you he keeps bringing it up too; makes me really think he’s just trying to get your goat! ๐Ÿ˜‰

 

Post # 45
Member
4523 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@distracts:  THANK you. I like your attitude ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m the oddball in our relationship and my out-there dress is a compromise since he is more traditional: I’d have been bummed if he said “no pink or sparkles at ALL, pick something all white” :-p

Post # 46
Member
6040 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

@Wonderstruck:  Actually I would say the opposite, if he’s let the OP have her way with everything else and its ALL her vision and this is the only thing he has any kind of opinion on than I say let him have this ONE thing.

 

@caiti_182:  OP, you need to really sit him down and say “ok, all jokes aside, we need to figure out this suit situation. You keep mentioning this baby blue suit that you know I really am not a fan of but I can’t tell if you’re just joking or if this is something you really really want. If you are joking, please stop because its really gettin old. If you’re serious can you please explain to me why you would want to wear something to our wedding that’s basically a costume that you are modeling after a character from a movie called dumb and dumber? its just not appropriate in my mind and Im just trying to understand why you want this so badly.”

Most (not all) brides don’t even let their fiance see their wedding dress before the wedding day, so why can’t he just be left to pick his outfit on his own the way you were left to pick yours? My opinion is to let him wear it if he is in fact being serious. He may not be able to even find one! But no matter what, a real conversation needs to happen so that you don’t keep getting frustrated and so that he can actually realistically start figuring out his outfit

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