Post # 1
Ok bees, need some parenting advice here.
my son is a very very good kid. But he’s also a typical kid in that he can be careless and messy and all that good stuff. I am working really hard to form good habits in him and something happened yesterday and I am getting attacked by my mother and grandmother for how I handled things.
My son brought home his usual stack of work on monday afternoon from the previous week’s in class work. It’s usualy all A’s. So I flipped through to see what he was learning and to check the grades out, as usual. I came across a stapled together packet of 3 pages front and back and the grade was a D. So of course I went through and wanted to see why. Turned out he missed an entire page. The teacher marked it wrong and that’s what brought his grade so low. So I gave him the speech about how it was a careless mistake and how he has to take pride in what he hands in since its a reflection on him and that it’s his responsibility to make sure that he’s turning in his best possible efforts in everything. He lost a week of xbox use and is giving me one extra 30 min of reading all the rest of the week. My thinking was to make sure from now on he checks his work and realizes that that kind of silly careless mistake was easily avoidable and unacceptable. I could see if he just didn’t understand something and needed help, in that case I would have approached it completely different. But I asked him and he said he just missed the page, he understood the work with no problem when I asked him to complete the page for me at home. So it really was just him not paying attention. I also spoke with Fiance about it before I handled the situation and he was all for my approach. It may seem old school or harsh but I don’t believe in even letting the little things go, little things turn into big things.
So my mom got wind of what happened from my sister and she was furious. She said I was too harsh and I should have wrote a note to the teacher asking why he wasn’t given a chance to fix the missed page, or if he could have another chance. No, just no. thats not how it works. you mess up, you pay the price. He messed up. now he’s dealing with it properly. He’s feeling the affects of his lack of attentiveness to his work. I don’t blame the teacher at all in marking the page wrong. I am glad she handled it that way and didn’t coddle him.
I want to point out that it’s not that I didn’t feel bad about it or that it didn’t hurt my heart to have to discipline him like that. It does. It always does whenever I have to play the bad cop (im always the bad cop lol). I guess I just hate to feel like maybe I did make a mistake in my handling of things. I respect my mothers opinion very much when it comes to parenting but this time IDK. I feel like I did right, but im having some second thought and would like some opinions.
ETA: I changed the question. Since im aware my methods are rather harsh, which im ok with. Thats how we choose to discipline. So more so im asking if he should have been given another chance or if I should have approached the teacher with a note or email
Post # 3
I COMPLETELY agree with your approach! BIG kudos to you!! I recently found an article about how parents should be raising kids to become responsible adults, not just “happy kids” and this totally follows that!
If this was a job at a company, and your boy handed in a report with a whole page missing, he probably wouldn’t get a second chance to fix it, he would get reprimanded for it, like you did with him. I really don’t understand people’s approach with blaming the teacher instead of actually helping their child learn how the world ACTUALLY works.
I hope if I have kids, I can raise my children in the same way!
Post # 4
Hes a kid….. everyone makes mistakes and if it doesnt happen often with him I dont think it is THAT big of a deal. He just missed a paper on his homework. Honest mistake.
I can understand the speech but probably wouldnt have taken an entire week of xbox away. Maybe just a couple days and made him do the paper and turn it in regardless if he got credit for it or not.
it is good that you let him know how important it is to slow down, read everything and take your time. Im also glad you didnt write a note to the teacher….. thats ridiculous haha
Post # 5
Wow, yeah, that is a little harsh. Kids make mistakes. Hell, I know college students who have done the same thing. I think telling him that he made a mistake and needs to be more careful next time was probably enough. Maybe the loss of Xbox, too. Extra reading, the bulk of your lecture, and making him do that page was really overboard for a small mistake.
I don’t agree with your mother, though. He made a mistake and it got marked wrong. Sucks for him, but next time he should be more careful. The lesson here should be that he made a mistake, he needs to own up to it, suck it up, and move on.
mom: Son, what’s this D on your homework?
son: Oh, I missed a page and got marked down.
mom: That sucks. Do you think you deserved the D?
son: Yeah, I made a mistake and missed a page.
mom: And you’re going to be more careful from now on, yes?
mom: And no Xbox for the rest of the week, that way you have more time to pay attention to your homework and getting it all completed. You can get it back when you show me that you’re paying attention.
son: BOOOOO. But okay.
Post # 6
@stardustintheeyes: I don’t think you should ask the teacher why she marked it wrong, although I do think maybe the punishment is a liiiittle overboard. But it’s all relative really…
Post # 7
I graduated salutatorian of my high school class, so obviously I wasn’t a slacker. That isn’t to say that I never got a D in school.
My parents never punished me over a D because they knew that getting good grades was important to me. They assumed I messed up and I realized it. I knew I was paying for my own college, so I worked hard with the idea that if I screwed up, it would be on me.
One D won’t ruin your grades and it hardly makes it a habit. Additionally, it helped knock me off my high horse to get these occasional grades. Kid need to feel failure a few times, or they aren’t ready for real life.
So yes, he should suffer the consequences, but I don’t think he needs to be punished for one bad grade. Obviously he’s doing the work and he understands it. Getting the D would have been punishment enough for me!
That being said, you should BY NO MEANS contact the teacher! If he wants to fight the grade or make it up, that’s on him, and that’s a good skill for him to develop. Let him figure it out.
Post # 8
I probably wouldn’t have taken away the xbox, but I generally agree with your approach, especially about not contacting the teacher. I absolutely hate when parents blame every mistake their child makes on the teacher. I think having him do the page to make sure he actually understood it and didn’t need help was a good idea too.
Post # 9
I dont have children yet but I think you handled it wonderfully! So many people want to coddle their children and make it someone else’s fault when they make a mistake. Its very clear that you are an amazing mother and your child will thank you when he is a successful adult. 🙂
Post # 10
I have no children, but I was disciplined just like this as a child. I mean, for one little homework assignment it might have been a little much, but I really think it’s good that you instill the sense in him now that it’s his responsibility to keep up with that stuff and not his teacher.
I’m in my fifth year of university and even at 400-level classes I see my peers blame professors for something that was clearly the student’s responsibility.
Post # 11
How old is your son? Personally I think that’s a little bit harsh for an honest mistake. If he’s used to getting A’s I would assume he feels crappy enough about the D.
Post # 12
I think it was little harsh, and I think I am pretty strict with my kids. I have a 10 year old daughter and I would have had her sit and finish the sheet. We have a rule that homework is done as soon as she gets home. If you don’t, I would implement that as well. I would definately not contact the teacher or bring up him getting another chance to turn his work in. This morning my daughter forgot her homework folder at home. I thought about taking it up to school for her, but it is her responsibility so here it sits, with her completed homework. At that age I feel they can take responsibilty for things like this.
If it were an onoging problem I would definately support the banning of the xbox.
ETA: We generally limit games and TV during the week as is. It is homework, play outside with the neighbors or sports practice, dinner, shower, read, and then bed.
Post # 13
I could have written this! As a mom of a 6th grader, we’ve had this exact same thing happen and I think you absolutely did the right thing. It’s so hard to get them to understand why it’s valuable to check their work, or simply slow down and do your best job. Your punishment can only help him in the long run and I bet he’ll be checking every thing he turns in to be sure he didn’t miss anything! 🙂 Especially with a student who gets A’s fairly easily, they can start to take it for granted and not realize that need to still put in a little extra effort.
Definitely don’t ask the teacher to let him redo it! Some teachers do have an option to redo work for a passing grade, but that is up to the teacher. I’d ask my son (or check the teacher’s website) if this is a possibility, and if so your son then has the responsibility to make it happen. It’s not a special favor granted to him.
You and Fiance discussed it… that’s ALL that matters. My mom and my sis are great for talking about things, but in the end you have to go with your gut. We’ve started a new thing we’re calling “consequence jar”. We write out punsishments on slips of paper and fold them up, drop them in a jar, and then he has to play his luck and pick one. Things like you described above, going to be 30 minutes early, emptying the dishwasher (if it’s not his chore)… whatever fits your parenting style.
(But… if he starts to overlook pages or begins to struggle on a more regular basis, I’d schedule a conference with his teacher and look into what might be going on, without continuing to punish him.)
Post # 14
@BeachBride2014: he’s not being punished for one bad grade. he’s being punished for it being for a careless reason. As I said, if he just needed help or ran out of time because it was a concept he was struggling to comprehend or something other than he just rushed through it and turned in whatever than yes I agree one bad grade isn’t the end of the world. But over all, D’s aren’t acceptable in my house. Period. So I may be harsh in that, but im ok with that. Im willing to put in the work and get help when it’s needed so bad grades don’t happen for him if it truly is a struggle for him to learn something. But when its because you just didn’t look over what you are handing in? thats unacceptable. So to write a note to the teacher and say “i know my son didn’t check his work and just overlooked a page, but can you just let him do it anyway?” that didnt’ sit well with me.
Post # 15
I think you did what you had to do and hopefully he learns to pay more attention in the future. I’m glad that the teacher marked him down and there wasn’t a second chance on he work. Kids need to learn somehow.
Post # 16
@stardustintheeyes: I think you definately overdid it. It’s your choice whether or not you want to ask teacher for a second chance. I actually agree that it was right of you to have him keep the grade he earned, and to have a talk with him about checking his work, and taking pride in what he turns in.
However, grounding him from his toy was excessive. That sort of thing is best left for intentionally misbehaving, don’t you think? He’s already being ‘punished’ for his mistake by not making the grade you both want. If your child has a difficulty, or makes an honest mistake academicaly which is not for lack of trying, please don’t punish them for it. Help them overcome it, instead.
I agree with @MrsRuby: in that you should have him go over his missed page and have him turn it in to you for grading. That way, he doesn’t miss the learning oportunity, and it reinforces that he needs to double check his work in his memory.
Just want to reiterate that you will not help your child in the long run by taking a disciplinary approach to education (unless he starts being obstinate and intentionally not doing his work).