Post # 1
Let me start off by saying I am well known for holding grudges.
That being said, I have an aunt who has always been a bit of a ….loose canon. On my sisters wedding day she was bossing my godmother around and when I reminded her to say “please”, she DID NOT appreciate the reminder and lit into me about what a spoiled and aweful child I always was etc etc. Each person in our party had to remind her SEVRAL TIMES to drop it because this was my sisters bug day and we did not need that negativity. She also informed me that she always knew my sister would marry for love and that I would marry “often and well.” This was three years ago and since then I have gotten calls from her crying and telling me how proud she is of me to calls where she calls me to tell me that everyone in the family is dissapointed in me and how aweful I am. EVERYONE in my family has issues with this aunt, she is on some seriously strong medications which make her difficult to relate to/ understand. Nearly everytime I see her she reminds the family of the one wrong thing i ever did and relishs the detail ( I spray painted the word “love”on a tree when I was 8 and then was imediately caught and scrubbed it off, her son is a fellon *kidnapping, drug sales AND arson)
Everyone in my family has similar issues with her but they all say that she cannot be excluded from my wedding day. How can I trust her at my wedding when she believes my marriage is doomed to fail, relishs the oppertunity to make me feel/look like a horrible person, and knows next to nothing about me ( she told her son I’m studying fashion in Texas when I’m getting a degree in biostatistics in New York…)
so am I holding a grudge? should I suck it up and invite her? Or should I avoid the risk of her making a scene by excluding her?
Post # 3
I have multiple family members like this (and an aunt that’s the biggest offender, are we related? Lol) and I refuse to invite them to my wedding. I don’t spend time with them voluntarily or often – if at all – so why would I invite them to a day celebrating our love and life with all of our CLOSEST friends and family? I say ignore your family’s advice and don’t invite. Also, ask any and all family members to not disclose the date/location/time of your wedding to avoid her showing up and causing a scene.
Post # 4
@craftylish: I voted don’t invite her. She sounds like a toxic peson.
However… you started by saying you’re known to hold grudges and I wanted to warn you against that. My grandmother was a big grudge holder. She didn’t speak to her only sister for years. When her sister killed herself, she was devistated.
This, apparently, didn’t stop her from getting into a small disagreement with her next door neighbor and letting it fester for years. The neighbor wasn’t any better. They didn’t speak for 10 years, living right next door to each other the whole time. My grandmother had a heart attack on the sidewalk outside their houses. When my uncle came back, after my grandmother passed away at the hospital, the neighbor’s daughter was on the front porch. She asked about grandma and when my uncle said she passed a loud, gut wretching wail came from inside the house. The neighbor told me years later that holding on to that grudge was her biggest regret.
Post # 5
Well, what does your family say? It will be easy for all of us to only hear this and say, “no.”
Post # 6
Screw that don’t invite her this is one day for you and FH no way would I want that ruined by inviting her if your family doesn’t like it tell them tough shit and to get over it its YOUR wedding day and you choose who it invite.
Post # 7
I dont think you should be forced to invite her. There will be drama if you do and drama if you dont, so I say DON’T, you have nothing to lose. Also as far as holding grudges go, this isnt holding a grudge over a mistake she made once or twice, you say this is a constant thing with her, so you are not holding a grudge by not inviting her, you are avoiding the inevitable.
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC
uhhhh … while I do hear what PP is saying and in theory thats the right answers it may actually be less hassle to just go ahead and invite her and have someone keep an eye on her and keep her at arms length a bit. Think about it, your going to have to tell her shes not coming (I imagine shell think shes automatically invited), then get family members no to disclose the location (which, from their reaction, looks like this would be something difficult to do, you may get into fights with them about it and it may just slip anyway) then if she does turn up you have to deal with the drama of turning her away and lots of great big family arguments and rifts.
Post # 9
She’s toxic and I wouldn’t invite her. Does she have some kind of mental illness? You mentioned something about medications so wondered if that is the reason she is like this.
If for some reason you lose this battle I would have someone on call to keep her away from you so you don’t have to deal with her.
Do you feel like you might not win this one for some reason?
Post # 10
@gelaine22: my family says that yes it sucks, but that i dont want to face her wrath when she finds out she wasnt invited. We live in 2 different states and I have caller ID so how bad could the fall out be?
Post # 11
@craftylish: My family would say the same.
Post # 12
@MexiPino: I guess grudge isn’t the right word. I don’t forget things easily which means it’s diffucult for me to forgive. I still see her and believe it or not, still love her. I was just wondering if I’m being too harsh by using something that happened 3 years ago as a reason not to invite her. My reasoning is that she continues to do smaller things that show she is still unstable.
Post # 13
- Wedding: September 2013 - Pavilion at Rocky Neck State Park
I say don’t invite her. I am not inviting 75% of my extended family because there is too much drama there and they have not had a positive impact on my life. Especially in the last 10 years.
Post # 14
@hermom: My aunt has always been a little off. She is a cancer survivor but all the chemo and radiation left her feeling down so they put her on EXTREMELY high doses of anti-depressants and adderal. I don’t know if any of you have ever been on adderal or a similar stimulant but it makes it so you think every passing thought is ok to say and makes you totally incapable of reading a room. So she will be joking about what a shit person I am and what a disgrace the spray painted tree incident was and everyone will look embaressed/shocked/ uncomfortable and she will just go on FOREVER. Try to change the subject and she will change it right back. Even the most offensive people I know will read a room and change the subject if they arent getting good feed back.
Post # 15
I have to agree, plus if your whole family thinks she SHOULD be invited (inspite of her continued issues with all of them) then I would listen to that AND ask them to help keep her on her best behavior.
Also, based on what you said it sounds to me (and I could be completely off base here and do not mean any offense) that she might be suffering from some form of mental or emotional illness and might not truly understand how she’s impacting you.
ETA: Just read what you posted about the medication for cancer… she can’t control it and she went through something terrible… excluding her because of her health issues does not seem right to me, but getting someone in your family to accompany her through the evening would be a graceful way to make sure that when she (without realizing it) goes to far someone is there to mediate.
Post # 16
It’s your wedding and you and your husbands day. If you think that the family backlash will be too much, invite her and assign someone to be her babysitter and sit her where you wont have to interact much and if that’s not enough have someone escort her out when she starts to cut up.
Question though: since everyone in the family knows about her craziness, why wouldn’t they support you in excluding her? Is everyone afraid of her?