Am I being too impatient?

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Should I stay or should I go?

    stay

    go!

  • Post # 2
    Member
    157 posts
    Blushing bee

    I don’t think it’s fair to give him a deadline and walk before the deadline unless you’re really just done with the relationship for other reasons. I think you should absolutely wait until your birthday. If it doesn’t happen then you can walk knowing that you gave him the opportunity, he knew about it and he passed on it. 
    Also, I see why you’re frustrated. This makes a lot of sense especially at your age with your goals. You definitely deserve a commitment at this point. 

    Post # 3
    Member
    596 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    View original reply
    princessmoonbeam :  Has he ever really told you that you might not be the one or are you just saying that because your patience is wearing thin? I don’t blame you for feeling this way, but if he has a daugther and an ex involved you can’t blame him for taking it slow. If you only met her a few months ago and want to get engaged in the next 3 weeks, that seems fast in my opinion. I would prefer to move in with him before getting engaged, only becasue his daughter may see things differently if you get engaged before you live together, or maybe the ex will see that in a negative way. I hate to say all that but when a kid is involved the process is so much different. My best friend went through a similar situation and it took almost 2 years for them to finally move in together. 

    Granted, you’re right to feel this way, and want to have a baby right away with age and all, but if this is as great of a relationship as you are saying it is, then allow a little time. Wait until your birthday. If nothing happens, then maybe talk to a counselor to sort things out before completely cutting ties. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    1501 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    “Spending time with her has made my baby fever flare up, though, and I find myself crying about the fact that I’ll be too old to have a child by the time he decides he’s ready to marry me and start a family.”

    “I’ve been telling him more and more often in the past 6 months how much of a time-crunch I am in, in terms of my fertility.”

    Are there specific concerns you have in terms of your personal health and fertility? If it’s just “I want to have a baby before 35”–it’s not like if your fertility is great at 34 it’s suddenly going to disappear at 35. There are plenty of women, especially these days, having healthy babies at 35+. One of the reasons that age 35 is routinely cited in terms of pregnancy is because that’s when the risk of Down’s Syndrome becomes 1/200 or 0.05% (that’s .05% meaning it’s less than 1%). Sure, there are more risks when the mother is older but it’s not like something spikes at 35. The likelihood is that even if you have a baby at 35+ you’ll still have a happy and healthy pregnancy. If you’re really concerned about this, talk to your gynecologist.

     

    In terms of your relationship… I can certainly see why your boyfriend would be very cautious about getting married again, especially if he has been divorced before. He has seen how this has affected his child, and even though he and his ex-wife may have done the best they could with the current situation, it’s not ideal and it is a traumatic experience for the whole family to go through a divorce. Your boyfriend understandably wants to make sure that this doesn’t happen again.

    Honestly, marriage is similar to a business negotiation. Sure, there is romance involved, but there is also setting up a household and a life together and that can very well be more like a business negotiation than anything that you have in your head right now. Your boyfriend sounds like he is really trying to go into this cautiously, and I think that you need to stop taking it so personally. It’s nothing against you. Talk to him, learn from his previous experience, and see where your thoughts lie. But honestly, marriage isn’t a fairytale walk in the park, and that’s what it seems to me like you might be expecting just reading your post.

    Another thing–I respect if you want to move in with him once you are married, but calling an engagement a “promise of planning to possibly marry me one day” is absolutely ridiculous. Typically, engaged people are actively planning a wedding that will occur anywhere from a few weeks to a couple of years out. This is an active process for most people, and it’s not a possible promise or whatever you were trying to say there. The commitment to spending your life together? That has to be there for a couple to get engaged. An engagement shouldn’t be a maybe, and I’d find it concerning if my partner thought it was. Again, I totally respect if you don’t want to move in until you are actually married, but this stood out to me as demeaning to engaged couples.

    I don’t know… after reading your post, I think that you should go talk to a professional. You seem to have issues with anxiety, and I think that it would only help you to talk to someone who has professionally been trained to help people with that. There is no shame in it, and I do think it would help you.

    You haven’t even been together for 2 years, and you’re already anxious about him not proposing? Honestly, even though you’re in your 30s, 2 or so years is a very reasonable timeframe to date before getting engaged, especially for someone who is cautious by nature and/or who has been burned in the past, and from what you’re saying your boyfriend seems to check both of those boxes.

    To me, your timeline seems very fast–you’d want to get engaged before the 2 year mark based on what you’re saying here. I just don’t think that’s reasonable ESPECIALLY when there is a kid involved and you are in a long distance relationship and therefore everything is moving more slowly than it would if you guys lived in the same city. That’s another factor that you’re not really considering here, and another reason your engagement timeline seems extremely fast to me. And I speak from experience–I’ve done long distance, and I felt like compared to living in the same city, long distance significantly delayed progress of the relationship. You can’t expect to make the same progress when you are seeing each other less frequently.

    So it seems to me like your engagement timeline is fast and he is making moves to propose, but his process isn’t what you had envisioned, so you’re possibly looking to walk for that reason. If that’s the case, I again reiterate that I think you should talk to a professional due to your possible anxiety/preoccupation and also because maybe this isn’t the relationship for you. And I’m not saying the latter because I don’t think this guy wants to marry you, but because I think your timeline seems much faster than his. If this guy’s processing of this is at such odds with your values, then maybe it isn’t the relationship for you. This is also something that a trained therapist could help you figure out, to tease out all the nitty gritty parts of your feelings and the relationship to help you figure out if this really is for you.

    So I don’t have an answer for whether you should stay or go or whether you are being too impatient. I think it’s possible you are being too impatient and I think it’s possible maybe this isn’t as great a fit as you want it to be. I recommend talking to a professional therapist so that you can really wrap your head around what the best course of action for you is. No one on here can actually tell you what you should do. That’s something you need to figure out.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1972 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Oh gosh, bee. This is stressful. I think I would feel the exact same way you do if I were in your position.

    I think you two may be mismatched because with him being divorced, it’s understandable that he wants to take things slower, especially with his child to consider and you on the other hand need to move faster because you want children soon.

    I think you should give it until your birthday and if he doesn’t propose by then, you can leave knowing it’s just not meant to be. I don’t think either of you is wrong (unless he blows his timeline he gave you of your birthday). 

    Your bd is coming up quickly so give him til his deadline and then move on if it doesn’t happen. Good luck

    Post # 6
    Member
    1326 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    You’ve spent almost 2 years with him, what’s 3 more weeks?  To be fair to him I think you need to give him the time you’ve agreed to.

    If he doesn’t propose by your birthday then it’s time to go. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    5250 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: July 2018

    View original reply
    princessmoonbeam :  She absolutely should be a barrier to you getting married though.  He has shared custody, which means you aren’t just marrying him, but you are marrying into his existing family with his daughter. I’m not saying his daughter should stop you marrying him, but it should be a barrier in the sense that you can’t just push through without considering logic and circumstance.

    I think considering the circumstances, divorced and with a young child, you are potentially being too firm on your ideal time line.  I get that was *your* ideal time line but relationships involve another person and you have to be prepared to compromise. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    1349 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

    View original reply
    princessmoonbeam :  I don’t have any particularly helpful advice, but I just wanted to say that I 100% understand your feelings and I get it.  I was 31 when I met my fiance and honestly a little panicky about never having a family.  After us dating for about 6-7 months he said in passing that he’d never be able to propose to someone unless he’d been dating them for at least 2 years.  I told him that was fine and made sense, but then he was going to need to find someone younger than me to do that with.  He was shocked I wasn’t on the same page, but as soon as I laid out the whole timeline (a year to plan a wedding, a year to enjoy our marriage for a bit, who knows if we’d get pregnant right away after that, etc) and he realized he would be shoving me into having kids into my late 30’s he realized why it was a problem (gosh, I wish they would all just understand that).  I never once shoved him into a decision, but he ended up proposing after we’d been dating for 11 months, and we’re getting married in 2 weeks.  My point in saying all that is that there ARE guys out there who can understand the urgency and who are actively emotionally ready to build a family with someone.  They aren’t always super aware of it because they’ve often never had to really think about “how old is my girlfriend/how many kids do I want/how many years would that take/etc,” but they’re out there.  Your guy may just be in a scary spot because of his previous marriage or maybe he has any other number of fears about marrying you that have nothing to do with YOU, personally.  But if he isn’t putting in the effort to try and sort that out for himself and is dragging his feet, then you deserve better.  If he’s really struggling, he could have found a counselor for himself.

    That said, I do think you should wait out your 3 weeks.  He may surprise you, especially since he seems willing to at least discuss your future together.  But after that 3 weeks, if he ends up disappointing, then I would reconsider this relationship.

    Post # 10
    Member
    851 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    princessmoonbeam :  I’m sorry to say, but you seem kind of immature to me. Here are my reasons:

    • You don’t seem to understand where your boyfriend is coming from with his cautiousness. That’s a big red flag for me–from you. Of course your boyfriend is going to be cautious. Some people are cautious by nature. Especially if they have had a divorce and have to look out for their kid’s needs. Your timeline seems to be fast, and his is not. That’s a pretty big mismatch right there. 
      • Adding to that, yes his child should potentially be a barrier to him marrying ANYONE. If you don’t get that, maybe you’re not ready to be a stepmom. The fact of the matter is that this man has a child, and he has to do right by that child before anything else, including you. What I mean by this is putting the child’s needs first, not wants. (I.e. the child being in a safe home with an adult who behaves respectfully, patiently, and caringly toward them–you might think that that’s obvious, but it’s something that a parent has to carefully screen for.) So yes it matters how you treat her. I don’t say this to offend you, but if you don’t understand that (and to me it seems like you don’t) then you’re not ready to be a stepmom.
    • You also don’t seem to understand that relationships move more slowly when you are long distance. It’s a matter of seeing each other less and having less time together for that relationship to fully develop. And on top of that, you are apparently seeing him less due to not wanting to invest in this relationship because you’re upset/anxious about engagment, which (if anything) is just going to slow down progress to engagement even more. It’s counterproductive and it seems to me that if this is your reaction to your boyfriend’s understandable caution, then you’re again not reacting in the most mature way.
    • I understand that you’re anxious to have kids, but your perception of age and being “too old” to have a child in a few years is wrong. Like a PP said, fertility doesn’t do a sudden nosedive at 35. 
    Post # 12
    Member
    3102 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2017

    View original reply
    princessmoonbeam :  at 33 after dating almost 2 years,  give him the 3 weeks. However breakup immediately (that day) if he doesn’t propose with a *near* wedding date. At that point you have your answer and don’t waste another minute with him. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    178 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: November 2020

    View original reply
    princessmoonbeam :  OP you have a well – written post. And your concerns are very valid. communication is the most important aspect in every relationship – yours might need a little stronger communication to sort some of this out.

    You have every right to have a walk date and an idea of when you’d like to stop trying for kids. All those opposing maternal age as such a big deal….it IS for some. I know personally I don’t want to be toting around a baby after 40 and I have had infertility issues from a young age. That’s YOUR choice only.

    I’d say to breathe and let things be happy and light….you have spoken your piece about your expectations from him, respect your own wishes for your walk date if that’s what you feel is best for you.

    Best wishes

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    2841 posts
    Sugar bee

    View original reply
    princessmoonbeam :  Tbh, all your concerns are totally valid, and your age is is indeed a true concerns you pregnancy. I’m surprised some are saying that you shouldn’t be as concerned as you are about fertility and your age or even calling you immature.

    My husband and I were long distance for almost the entirety of our dating relationship. I have PCOS, and I knew TTC would be difficult (directly from my doctor and gynecologist). I met DH at 26. Then, less than a month into the relationship, he went 3 hours away for work, and only had off every other weekend (if that). We dated for 10 months, and he proposed. True, our situations differ in that there were no kids or former spouses involved in mine, but you and your SO are older. 

    You have every right to be concerned, and it’s smart for you to be concerned. At 2 years, at his age, he should know if you’re the one. You don’t have the time to waste fertility wise, and you’ve been burned too in past relationships. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    909 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I think you are a smart woman to not rearrange your life and move in with him. I think you are also smart to consider walking at some point. Too bad it’s not more acceptable and common in our culture for a woman to propose to a man.

     

    The only thing I disagree with is your perspective on his questions that made you feel like you were in a job interview. This is the type of discussion couples should have. No it’s not romantic, but you need to question him as well. My friend didn’t discover until after marriage how important it was to her husband to retire down South. She is unwilling to leave family in the Midwest. So don’t be upset about that. 

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