- 2 years ago
Long-time lurker, first post. Looking for an outside perspective on my almost 2-year relationship.
We’re both 33, been dating seriously for a year and 10 months. I’ve been in 2 long-term relationships but never been married, no kids. He’s been divorced for almost 5 years from his high school sweetheart and has shared custody of his child with her.
We live an hour apart but spend at least a couple days & nights together each week. We’re compatible in terms of personalities, living habits, spending habits, division of labor on chores, etc. He makes me feel safe and loved and cared-for, except for the part where I feel like we’re stuck in bf-gf mode indefinitely.
My schedule is more flexible so that means I drive to see him more often, although I’ve started to cut back on that because I hate feeling like we’re playing house when all I want is to actually start making a home together.
He said he wasn’t comfortable letting me meet his child at first, until I really pressed him about it after a year and change of knowing each other, but I’ve been getting to know her over the past few months and we all 3 seem to be getting along well together.
Spending time with her has made my baby fever flare up, though, and I find myself crying about the fact that I’ll be too old to have a child by the time he decides he’s ready to marry me and start a family.
I was upfront from the beginning that I wanted a husband and a baby, in that order. He has said many times throughout the past year and a half that he wants to marry me and have a family with me. He has met my parents and I’ve met his family (but not his ex-wife). Everyone approves of our relationship.
This year I have felt antsy about where our relationship is going, especially since we’re long distance. I hate driving so much and I hate not being able to see each other every day. It would be easier for me to find a job in his area than vice versa, and when I put that out there, he says he would love to have me move in. I have told him that I won’t move in with a boyfriend again. He thinks a promise of engagement should be enough, but a promise of planning to possibly marry me one day isn’t enough for me to change jobs, downsize my belongings, and rent out my house so I can move in with him.
He said this summer that he plans to propose by my birthday, which is in 3 weeks, but I don’t think he has bought a ring yet. About 6 months ago I told him the kind of engagement ring I want and my ring size, and emailed him a list of example rings that I would like. He was relieved that my budget was reasonable and said that he could save up that amount in a few months. We both agree that we don’t want a big wedding, either an elopement or courthouse ceremony.
He said a couple months ago that he’s been saving up, but in the meantime, he has bought a new TV, new funiture, a new used car, etc.
Then he cancelled my birthday trip because of a “miscommunication” about the dates, even though we’ve been planning it for weeks. I had secretly hoped he would propose on the trip.
He had a long talk with me the other day to see if we’re on the same page about our goals in life. He said he’s getting ready to propose but he wants to make sure that it’s the right decision. It felt like an interview or a business negotiation, and I said so. I’m tired of daydreaming out loud with him about a future that I feel is slipping out of reach every day. If after almost 2 years of dating, he’s not sure I’m the one, then I don’t have anything to say to convince him. Our feelings were both hurt after that conversation.
I’ve been telling him more and more often in the past 6 months how much of a time-crunch I am in, in terms of my fertility. After the first couple of such talks, he said he did some research and didn’t realize how much age impacts fertility and the health of the mother and child. But he still couldn’t give me a firm deadline on when he thinks he’ll be ready for marriage or trying to start a family. The most he’ll give me is that he plans to propose by my birthday.
I decided this summer to walk if he hasn’t proposed and given me a timeline to marriage and TTC by my birthday.
I’m just devastated because this has been the healthiest, happiest relationship I’ve ever been in. I had been looking forward to the future we daydreamed about, the plans we had made together, looking forward to being his sweet daughter’s stepmother and to possibly having a child of our own. My last long-term relationship was 5 years of going nowhere fast with a man who I realized was stringing me along with promises of marriage and family when he just wanted a roommate with benefits. I refuse to waste my time like that again. But it’s hard to tell if I’m wasting my time or not in this situation.
He moves slowly, cautiously in most parts of his life. Maybe this is all it is and he really does intend to marry me. He said he wants to be careful because he has chosen the wrong woman before. But I’ve also seen him act quickly and decisively when he knows what he wants, which makes me think he just isn’t 100% sure about me, in which case, I don’t want to nag him into anything and I’d rather just end our relationship.
I only have 3 weeks until my walk date, but time is dragging and I honestly don’t know what to do or how to act because I feel like he knows I have one foot out the door. And why waste another day on this relationship if it’s not going in the direction that I want it to?