Am I Being Unjustifiably Resentful?

posted 3 months ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
2315 posts
Buzzing bee

I have been the Maid/Matron of Honor in 4 weddings and a bridesmaid in couple more and I was never expected to do anything besides buy a dress and show up to the wedding.  I always offered to throw the Bachelorette party, have attended the showers, gone dress shopping with the bride, and overall been in communication with her, but never was I expected to help with any part of wedding planning. 

And I’ve been a bride myself and would never think to ask bridesmaids to help me.  

I have learned that it is the norm in some places where the bridal party helps set up and tear down the reception, but that is not a thing in my area/circle of friends.  

Post # 32
Member
313 posts
Helper bee

You’re already mostly done the planning, so just enjoy what you’ve created. Why are you trying to invent a problem with the event & people involved?

Post # 33
Member
2856 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

OP, I planned my own wedding in 4 months with no help, apart from my husband giving feedback when I showed him venues and food/drink options. 

I seriously don’t understand why so many brides think that their family and bridal parties are suddenly their assistants and need to help plan their wedding… 

You should have expressed your feelings to your fiance and gotten more help from him, he’s the only one who really needs to be involved. If others wanted to, that’s great but it’s not a requirement and you shouldn’t be resentful towards them because of it.

Post # 34
Member
9549 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

MsJ2018 :  Maybe he didn’t step up more to help because he actually had to work during his work hours instead of getting paid to sit at work and plan his wedding. 

Just a thought. 

Post # 35
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Hi Bee!

I think, unfortunately, this is how wedding planning feels like. It’s just overwhelming! And lucky you that it’s going to be something “simple”. I understand that you felt the need to vent, it’s so frustrating sometimes and in the end I wasn’t able to decide anymore or to even know what I wanted. I think your fiancee helped you in what he could. And as you already stated, you’re the planning person in your relationship and this dynamic also settles in with time, because we even encourage it by how we act. In my relationship, I’m in the same situation. But I realize that I’m a perfectionist in some things and to an extend that others are not. So while I think it is really important that the people around me take me seriously, they don’t necessarily have to drag along. And I also know, that I sometimes unconsciously do things for my husband that I shouldn’t and then I’m upset that he doesn’t do them (duh). But I totally get it, why one can get tired of the feeling of being the one dragging the ship.

So, take a breath, it is mostly done and over. Try to enjoy what you put together and enjoy your day. After the wedding, you could try to see if there are options for your husband to take over some tasks or how you could get him involved more actively in planning your activities. But this also means that you need to be able to let go sometimes. I’m sure he complements you in other ways and it’s ok that you have different roles in your relationship.

Post # 36
Member
282 posts
Helper bee

Honestly… this is why some people budget and happily pay for a wedding planner. Then it becomes that person’s job to do all the leg work for your day when you can’t or don’t want to. No one but them (you and fiance) are iobligated to plan/execute your wedding.

If you don’t want that budget line expense, then it’s really up to you and your Fiance.

Post # 37
Member
6274 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

MsJ2018 :  it’s her responsibility because she took over. He can’t read minds so she needs to communicate. I absolutely agree he should have stepped up, but if she’s doing planning at work, she needs to share progress and let him know what’s left for him. For all we know, he thinks she wants to do it all. Lots of women do seem to. Too late now anyway, but time to think about how to communicate in future or build more resentment 

Post # 38
Member
349 posts
Helper bee

I sympathize with you, because it’s so much stress,and you are so close so it is totally understandable that you’re stressed out and wishing you had more help. My experiences suggest that there are basically only 2 options for brides planning a wedding: 

1. Get no help a resent everyone for that

2. Get lots of help then spend all your time putting out fires because aunt lydia thinks the centrepieces your mom picked out look stupid, resent people for that

I don’t know that there’s really a “better” way. My main suggestion is please try to make sure you delegate the management of your event the day of. Pick whoever you think is the best at “get it done and be on time”. It might be your Maid/Matron of Honor, or a bridesmaid, or your favorite cousin, whatever.

I was that person for my best friend recently, and it was exhausting. I ran around all day making sure that everything went off smoothly, and hardly sat down or had a drink. But, the bride was able to relax and enjoy her day because I was there to do that for her (which we had agreed on before, and would do it again!) and I would hate to think you would have to be that person running around like crazy at YOUR OWN wedding! Find someone who you trust to be Captain for the day who is willing and able to be the drill sergeant and make sure you don’t have to!

Post # 39
Member
1027 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - A vineyard

Unfortunately I think it’s a bit late now 🙁 but if you are in a situation like this again. I would ask for help and delegate more sooner rather than later. You and your fiance are a team! Did he know you would have loved if he stepped up and helped more?

I had about the same amount of time to plan as you did. My wedding ended up being at a small but cute vineyard and had a short dessert reception right after at the same location. Not having much money and planning a wedding that I was not super interested in having and having to keep things inexpensive but tasteful was super stressful and I already have an anxiety disorder to boot.

So what ended up happening was my fiance and I talked after I had a meltdown  and I ended up delegating the most stressful items to him to do and I kept working on the rest since I already had concrete ideas for them. But if we hadn’t talked he would never have known I needed help.  In the end the wedding was nice and I am glad it’s over. I am sure your wedding will be great! Hopefully once it’s over you will feel better 🙂

Post # 40
Member
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Sorry OP, your resentment is ill-founded. 

Your wedding plans are your own. It’s literally a party you’re planning in your own honor subject to your own whims. If you wanted help, you should have asked for it. If your friends/ family declined to help, you would have still been responsible for getting tasks done or hiring someone else to take care of the work.  Nobody is required to chip in a penny or a minute to organize your wedding.  (The “you” here is plural. It’s your fiance’s wedding, too.)

 

 

Post # 41
Member
349 posts
Helper bee

I just want to add because I see a lot of people saying things like “it’s not the bridesmaids jobs to help you” and I think this might be a bit cultural/area related, because I have typically seen the bridesmaids do A LOT more than just bu a dress and show up! 

Post # 42
Member
6038 posts
Bee Keeper

Unjustified. It’s nobody’s job to plan your wedding but yours and your future husband’s. It sounds as if you’ve kept things fairly simple and manageable. You’re in the home stretch, you’ve got this. 

Post # 43
Member
566 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Another day, another snowflake.

Post # 44
Member
2916 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

mellicontent :  Put me in the silly and unreasonable camp.

You can’t have it both ways.  You can’t like to plan (and you are having a pretty low key reception) and be bad at delegating and expect people to be mind readers.  If you truly wanted help, you should have asked. Maybe your Fiance didn’t help more because you’re a bit of a Type A control freak (at least that’s the impression I’m getting).

And no, you don’t plan your own shower.  You’d get some serious side eye in my area.

I think your expectations are a bit high.  Social media loves to show bridesmaids fawning all over the bride and that’s not what happens in real life.  You even said there wasn’t a lot others could help you with, so I’m not really sure why you’re so resentful.

Hopefully you’re just stressed.  Try to enjoy your day and put these feelings aside.

Post # 45
Member
2014 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“I have learned that it is the norm in some places where the bridal party helps set up and tear down the reception, but that is not a thing in my area/circle of friends.”

To me this is an indication of poor budgeting. You didn’t budget enough for a clean-up crew, so your closest friends, in their nice suits and dresses, after they’ve been dancing, eating, and drinking all night, are now given a broom and bucket? If you had a dinner party, would you expect certain friends to do the dishes and vacuum the floors at midnight after everyone went home?

OP, you should not have thrown or attempted to throw your own shower and bachelorette. It’s like saying “come to a party honoring me and give me presents.” And you can’t “farm out” anything to anyone you haven’t paid unless they have enthusiastically volunteered.

I do think the OP’s Fiance, if he saw that she was stressed and doing all of the work to plan their wedding, needed to have stepped up and initiated without being asked to. It’s cop-out to say, “I’ll help with anything you tell me to.” Why should I have to also figure out and manage your tasks? Come up with a plan and let’s discuss it. Unfortuntely, the emotional labor mismatch between men and women is real. My husband did a lot on his own initiative to plan our wedding, but I have to admit, I did more and there were times I had to give him tasks.

 

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