Am I Being Unjustifiably Resentful?

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
7477 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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mellicontent : I’m supposed to fulfll a vision that is not mine without asking for help or inconveniencing others in any way. 

You could have said no. No to the party, no to your parents’ requests, no to all of it. You could have told your Fiance that if he wanted this party he had to plan it. You could have insisted you elope.

Post # 48
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I was this person too, for a long time:  I struggle with some feelings of resentfulness. I feel like I am ALWAYS the person in charge, the planner, the doer, the one who is expected to inconvenience herself for others.

And then I stopped. Started staying NO, stopped volunteering as much, started letting people figure out shit on their own, just like I did. As Ann Landers said, “Nobody can take advantage of you without your permission”. 

My husband ins’t expected to be a project manager, but if we have a party, I can tell him to take care of XYZ, and leave it at that. He can hit google to figure it out, none of us are born with the knowledge of party planning/project planning, etc. and if he said no? Then he doesn’t get the XYZ at the party. And if I take it over for him, then it’s 110% my fault for allowing that to happen.

 

Post # 49
Member
2444 posts
Buzzing bee

Yeah sorry, it’s s your job to plan YOUR wedding. I gave my husband specific tasks that I wanted him to do to help and made sure he got them done. Sounds like you needed to lean on your husband more or tell him exactly what you needed from him. Sounds like he wanted to help but wasn’t sure and needed your guidance.  We had an elaborate wedding and still did it all ourselves, no help from anyone else and I did alot of DYI projects. That’s what happens when you want to get married. 

I don’t get why you planned your shower and bachlorette party, if no one offers to plan one for you then you don’t get one. 

I’m sure your stress level is at an all time high with your wedding being so close, just be glad you got it done and enjoy the night. 

Post # 50
Member
7835 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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beethree :  You could have said no. No to the party, no to your parents’ requests, no to all of it. You could have told your Fiance that if he wanted this party he had to plan it. You could have insisted you elope.

Yup yup. 

View original reply
mellicontent :  Above is why people are saying you are trying to martyr yourself. You are an adult. You chose to take on these duties. You could have said “no”, or “plan it yourself and I’ll just show up”, but instead you chose to take it all on and are now complaining about it. You don’t need to train your fiance to be a party planner. I can guarantee that he can google photographers and email about budgets. Unless he is laid up in bed, he can go to Costco and buy whatever shit you were buying. Why are you even marrying your fiance if you think he can’t even handle the most basic tasks? 

Post # 51
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Girl, I’m in the same boat.  My fiancee is working on her doctorate full-time, so the wedding planning has fallen to me.

Her mother has been less than helpful. She hasn’t done a single thing – nothing. Not even asked about how the planning is going.  My mother has given suggestions, but also done nothing to help.  Both of our bridesmaids and maids of honor are 10-18 hours away, so we’ve (read: I) have done everything myself. None have offered to help, given input, or had anything to say.

I can’t offer much help, but just know you are not alone. 

Post # 52
Member
1193 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

You need to tell him that you need help planning his vision of a perfect wedding. Like PPs have said, the only 2 people responsible to plan a wedding is the couple.

Post # 53
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020

I hate to pile on, but I agree with the majority of Bees… this is your wedding and you and FH are the only ones who should be planning it!  I’ve actually never been in a wedding party, but I knew from the start that my bridesmaids were not free labor to do things for the wedding.  They may offer to do things in the future and I’ll figure it out from there, but this is my wedding to plan.  I like to take the lead with FH is making lists of potential options but he totally helps by giving me his opinions and we narrow it down from there.  We have attended every meeting together and have access to the same wedding email where we both send out emails and respond to vendors.  I was clear with him that I liked our system and I think you just really need to ask for what you need in the future.

Post # 54
Member
786 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

Im with the other bees. Your wedding is your own. That said, I would like to point out some things you seem to gloss over. Your bridesmaids apparently have really busy schedules and sound like most of them are in college. Weddings by their very nature can get pricey and lots of college students dont have a lot of money lying around for dresses, bridal showers, teas, gifts for the shower and then a wedding gift. 

It can turn into hundreds of dollars even for the most basic of weddings. Some people dont even see it as an honor because it can throw them into financial hardship. 

Also why would you pick bridesmaids that obviously have so much on their plate that they cant help you? While your wedding in important to you, their studies and graduation is extremely important to their futures. 

As for your Fiance, if you didnt delegate, which you freely admit you are bad at, then thats on you. You dont die on the hill because you expect him to do more. If you wanted more out of him, then you should have asked more of him. 

My DH and I had a very simple small wedding and it was the most romantic thing. We invited our closest friends, which was two couples who are more like siblings than friends, our parents which was his parents, and my mom, then afterwards, his parents hosted a cake and punch reception for us. We narrowed down what was important for us. 

Were flowers important at the church? Not really, it was a big beautiful gothic church and the stained glass windows were gorgeous, we didnt want to take away from the beauty of them when the sun was shining through. 

My bouquet was provided by my mother. Her gift to me. I bought my dress at a trunk show. I spent less than $500.00 for a very amazing Allure dress. Hubby wore his military dress uniform. 

My wonderful in laws paid for our wedding cake as a gift to us. It was a simple three tier creation from a local baker who was just getting started and she was looking to drum up business.

Our wedding total cost less than $1000.00 and we planned it in less than two weeks due to work travel that we had coming up and were gonna be on differnt coast. 

Your wedding is the only one you are going to get. Do what makes you happy. Dont make it what everyone else wants. 

 

 

Post # 55
Member
940 posts
Busy bee

duplicate, sorryyy

Post # 56
Member
940 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
mellicontent :  It’s clear to read on this end. Your Fiance loves you and wants to be involved, but is a guy that wouldnt be able to do it or do it fully/correctly without some assistance or input from you (much like my SO, lol). So if you dont directly tell him, he is not getting the message.   

Other than him, no one else is really responsible for the wedding. Which yes, it would be nice if there was help, but bc there isnt, it feels like everything is falling on you. Which, your Fiance seems to want to help and lift that off your shoulders, and do it together so he can be a part of the process.. Nonetheless, I think you have done an EXCEPTIONAL job at putting it together. You sound like a Power woman! 😀 

Post # 57
Member
338 posts
Helper bee

LOL at you quoting an Indian wedding. First of all you’re not having a 3 day Indian wedding (large Indian wedding go for longer than 3 days by the way). And even with large multi day weddings, (Indian weddings, traditionally, do not have bridesmaids or any NON-Family members helping out). There are customs where the whole village helps out but these are largely local people, family, neighbors, people who RAISED the bride, helping out to throw the party. Unfortunately your friends, your bridesmaids did not raise you. Perhaps your mom did not raise you either, if she did she didn’t do it right because you sound like a darn entitled brat.

As far as putting more burden on you to “teach and train your DF” to be a planner when he is not, well you married him. What do you think the rest of your marriage life would be like? When you’re married and you’re planning family vacations or kids events, buying property, picking out schools, do you expect your mom/bridesmaids/friends to help you every step of the way just because your  Dear Fiance is incompetent and you fail to insist on asking him to help more? Yeah no. Your marriage will just be you and him. Nobody else. if he’s not a planner, if thats not his gift, then its your job. Period. Nobody else is going to be the crutch in your marriage.

Post # 58
Member
7595 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think your update makes it more understandable why you’re feeling resentful. And I think some people are being unnecessarily harsh to you here. You’re allowed to feel sad that you were so involved in your friends weddings and they’re not doing the same for you—that is completely understandable bee and I think most people would feel the same way even if it’s not a popular thing to admit to on weddinbee.  

BUT…the general advice to start standing up for yourself and saying “no” more often is still worth listening to. It’s too late for your wedding but next time you’re in a situation where you’re being pressured to agree to something you’re not too keen on and that you KNOW will require a lot of time and effort on your part…just friggin say no. Do not martyr yourself. 

Post # 59
Member
387 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I totally get you on the Type A / planner personality, and it is hard to let that go sometimes. I planned most of our wedding myself too. Made a 50 tab Excel spreadsheet, looked up vendors and reviews, made the contacts. D.H. was involved every step of the way and visited vendors with me and we made joint decisions, but the only things he really did on his OWN was his tux / groomsmen tuxes. But, that’s just how my brain operates. I work in research / project management, and it’s in my nature. It does get exhausting but I totally see the other side, its hard for my D.H. to help when I am always one step ahead! I mentioned casually one time I have never had a surprise birthday party, and he told me its because I was unsurprisable. It’s totally true too. I would never go into a birthday weekend with NO plans. I’d ask what are we doing for my birthday? One year I told him to plan a fun event and keep it a surprise, which he did, but I knew what day and that we were doing something / going somewhere just not where or what. I have to. I can’t just sit there with an open Saturday on my birthday weekend and be like duh duh duh… 

We recently went on a huge friends vacation to the mountains and got a cabin. It was with mostly D.H.’s friends, about 10 people. I told him I wanted nothing to do with the planning this time because I always plan every trip. And you know what? He took it on and did wonderfully. He made a group text with his friends and planned out meals, each person got groceries and took on a certain meal of the weekend. They picked the cabin location, they bought the lift tickets, they did it all. I wasn’t even in the group chat and I was so relieved. I even made a comment after how proud I was that he coordinated the entire grocery list / meals for the weekend with all of the friends splitting it up. But he needed me to STAY OUT in order to do that for one. And secondly, men may have lazy tenancies sometimes but they aren’t completed dumb-asses. If I didn’t tell him I wanted to stay out of it, its not like we’d show up and have no food for the weekend. He had to do it, and he did it.

Give your SO some slack and let him take control sometimes. It’s hard with our personality, but he can’t run with it with you micromanaging him and asking him how his tasks fit in your beautifully executed Excel file. As for bridesmaids and parents helping, yeah no that’s on you. Saw a previous post that you’re 39 years old. It is NO ONE’s job to do a damn thing other than show up (and maybe wear certain clothes) to your wedding other than you and the groom. 

Post # 60
Member
940 posts
Busy bee

You dont need all the extra jazz ESPECIALLY if youre paying/planning it. And ESPECIALLY bc all of that isnt an actual WANT of yours. 

Honestly, if I was there in the picture, as a friend or whatever, id blantly say this true cliche out loud, “no pay, no say” in thin air so they can get the picture. I can come off as intimidating with my remarks and how I say them when im irritated and have had enough, so if they said anything back to entertain argument, id gladly shut that convo down. 🙂

I know its coming up soon, so we’re at the point that if anyone says A PEEP about he wedding or how you shouldve done it…shut that sh*t down. “I’ve done more than enough to cater for you and guests :)” and walk your bridal self away.

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