Am I Being Unjustifiably Resentful?

posted 6 months ago in Emotional
Post # 61
Member
3382 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I do think your feelings are valid – basically it comes down to you feeling unappreciated. I get that. It hurts and it sucks. But it’s also just part of life and I think right now you’re a bit stressed and that’s making you more sensitive to this stuff. 

Recognize that while your feelings are understandable, they’re not helpful, so don’t dwell on them. Take the lessons you can from this experience – speak up more about your wants and needs, learn to step back and say no, etc – and get on with your life. 

I’m sure the day of the wedding you’ll enjoy seeing the fruits of your labour, and then begins the best part – being married to your best friend.

Post # 62
Member
1385 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Yeah, I can relate to how you feel. Aside from some help from my fiance I did everything myself. My parents helped pay for 2/3 if the wedding, other than that my mom didn’t even come dress shopping (but there is a cultural difference – etiquettes are different). My Maid/Matron of Honor lived in a different city and most bridesmaids lived out of town too. It was a little harder than it had to be but I have always had a hard time asking for help. 

But since then I’ve gotten better at asking others to help out. Don’t feel like you’re putting them out. Most people love to help but don’t always know how especially if the person seems to have it all handled. 

 

Post # 63
Member
2956 posts
Sugar bee

mellicontent : 

I’ve found it very interesting to read your previous thread and this thread. You have previously said that your Fiance is over-affectionate, wants your attention too much and you feel that he’s always grabbing you for cuddles. You describe the dog as whiny and attention seeking. You admit you have very high standards. Now you want other people to help you organise things, while making clear that you are usually the one to organise things.

Unfortunately you can’t have everything. If you want help with your wedding you have to relinquish control. If you want intimacy you have to make yourself vulnerable. If you don’t want a whiny, attention-seeking dog you have to  spend some time walking and stroking the dog.

Above all, don’t be a martyr.

I’m sorry about your mother not being interesting in your wedding. She may have told you years ago that she was only going to give you a cheque but that must have been hurtful at the time and is probably very hurtful now.

You can’t undo the past but you can enjoy the future. I suggest you take some time to hug your fiance and tell him how you are feeling. Talk to him about your hopes and fears for this marriage and ask him to do the same. You are, after all, about to become a  team and embark on a great adventure. Then take that dog for a walk.

I don’t have a great deal of further advice for you except to say that once you are married you will need to spend less time ‘doing’ and more time ‘being’. This is the chance for intimacy on a grand scale. Go fot it wholeheartedly.

And, finally, all my best wishes for your big day.

Post # 64
Member
1260 posts
Bumble bee

Hold on…you said your fiancé wanted to do the planning together, what happened to that? Why didn’t you do it with him and did it yourself instead? Did you research the venues and photographer etc and then narrowed down to a few for discussion? Did you visit the venues and vendors together? Or did you just make the decision yourself?

For me, my fiancé is perfectly capable of planning things and managing his own life before he met me, he just operates on a slower / more relaxed pace than me. He gets them done and he does them well, but if things were left up to me, I would’ve done it a lot earlier, a lot more time spent to research and plan. There is something to be said about just relaxing and letting them do things their way and at their pace. Otherwise, you end up doing everything before they get a chance to do it.

I tried on 10 dresses before choosing one (admittedly not a whole lot compared to some). I researched shoes and jewellery etc for weeks if not months before deciding. Fiancé went to ONE tailor whom he liked and on his recommendation ordered exactly ONE suit to try on and liked it and bought it. Same with shoes, first store he walked in, tried on one pair which he thinks was the right colour, liked it, bought it. We joke about how different we are. 

If you care about something that he doesn’t, like make up and flowers, certainly it’s up to you to plan that. If it’s something that you both should have input to like the venue, certainly it should be done together. I like to research, a lot. So I do it. Then share my shortlist with fiancé and we talk about it and look into each short listed venues / photographer / band. Sometimes I tell him to look into something then immediately google it and talk about the results, we have a laugh about that too. I didn’t have the patience to wait for him to do some things (even after telling him to), and that’s not on him, that’s on me, that’s ok. 

I don’t know if you’re fiancé is incapable of doing things or you’ve taken too much control. But it’s not all on him and there’s room to improve on your dynamic to make sure he doesn’t get to just sit back and reap the rewards and you don’t end up feeling resentful.

Post # 65
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee

mellicontent :  How was your wedding? Congratulations! How has it been being married?

Post # 66
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

mellicontent :  I get these pings sometimes. I planned just about our entire wedding, I planned our engagement party, I plan just about every birthday gift we give and all. Occasionally I get grouchy about it but when I talk to FH about it he gets that I need him to step up and do things too. We had to have a very direct conversation about it all because we are getting married in 17 days now and will be planning an anniversary party instead of a real reception, so we can just enjoy the party part of a wedding and potentially “renew our vows” with our friends (we are doing a super micro elopement wedding) but he said outright that he just wanted to be able to show up to a party and enjoy it, I had to tell him no if he wants a party hes got to help me plan it

TLDR: communication is key, you have to tell him just what you need

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