(Closed) Am I being unreasonable?

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
2157 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

He needs to learn his priorities.  It sounds like his mom is still number 1 in his life.  But perhaps him joining your inclusive family for a trip will help him better understand where you’ve come from and why you might feel upset he wants to leave you out.  I think he should be entitled to go away with his mom, but not if it costs your two the chance to go on your own vacation. 

Post # 4
Member
3141 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I will always remember my ex-fi telling me “it’s in your best interest not to set yourself up in opposition to my mother.” he was a mama’s boy, beginning to end. some people are ok with that and some simply aren’t. i fall into the latter category.

to be honest, i would be upset if my husband was planning on solo vacation with his mother. and also super upset if he was spending weeks at a time with her and no time with me.

this is not going to just go away. he has to be willing to compromise. things like this don’t just get easier, he’s going to have to adjust his behavior and look at you as his family, the one he wants to please. you should be number 1. if not, you’ll never be completely happy.

sorry to be a downer, but this is a sore subject for me. you are the woman in his life now and you deserve to be treated as such.

Post # 5
Member
1109 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Wait, what? He wants to go on vacation with his mom and without you? Yeah, no. Sorry. You are getting married and making decisions together now, you shouldn’t be left out of family vacations to keep his mom happy. Sounds like he feels guilty about getting a new #1 lady in his life, could you guys help her to see she’s not losing a son but gaining a daughter? She must be super ridiculous to think you can go on family vacations and tell some people they have to stay home.

My family is like yours. When my parents go on vacation they invite all of us kids, our spouses and kids, all the aunts and uncles and cousins are told and whoever wants to go joins in the planning. I just can’t wrap my head around going on a trip and telling someone, let alone your WIFE, that they can’t go.

Post # 6
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t think there is anything wrong with him going on a trip alone with his mom. It might be fun for the three of you to travel too, and maybe she will see that it’s fun to travel with both of you and not just your FH. But sometimes one just wants to get away and do things the way they used to be, for old times sakes.

Post # 7
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I dont know, maybe it’s just me, but it seems a little….creepy (?) that he wants to go on vacation with ONLY his mom and leave his wife at home alone. Now I’m not saying anything gross happens…I’m just saying it’s a little weird that he is ok with leaving his wife at home while he’s out enjoying vacation with his mom.

Post # 8
Member
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

@Moja Milosc: Wait, what? He wants to go on vacation with his mom and without you? Yeah, no. Sorry. You are getting married and making decisions together now, you shouldn’t be left out of family vacations to keep his mom happy. Sounds like he feels guilty about getting a new #1 lady in his life, could you guys help her to see she’s not losing a son but gaining a daughter? She must be super ridiculous to think you can go on family vacations and tell some people they have to stay home.

My family is like yours. When my parents go on vacation they invite all of us kids, our spouses and kids, all the aunts and uncles and cousins are told and whoever wants to go joins in the planning. I just can’t wrap my head around going on a trip and telling someone, let alone your WIFE, that they can’t go.


My thoughts exactly!  

OP, I agree that IF YOU are comfortable with it, she could come on a vacation with the two of you sometime, and they could have some alone time, like a lunch date while you get a massage or something.  Anything other than that is beyond ridiculous.  YOU will be his family every bit as much, if not moreso, than she will be.

Anyone else think this lady needs to get on eHarmony or adopt a dog or something to fill her time so she’s not so dependent on her son???

Post # 9
Member
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

@Fall_In_Love22: I dont know, maybe it’s just me, but it seems a little….creepy (?) 

No.  No, it’s not just you.  That is seriously creepy to me, too!

 

ETA: Just read this to my husband, and he thinks it’s super weird, too.  

Post # 10
Member
611 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Fall_In_Love22: Yeah I agree that this seems a little off. While I totally respect the bond that he has with her, he and she both need to recognize that things are changing with you getting married, and he simply can’t do things the way he did he used to. His role as husband has to supercede his role as son.

Post # 11
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

That is super weird and I would totlly put my foot down. If he wants the two of you to go with her, that is fine (as long as you also have vacations for just the two of you!). But him insisting that it be just him and her pretty clearly indicates that he is not really ready to be married in my eyes.

Post # 12
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I definitely understand where you’re coming from, but I’d like to offer an alternate perspective.  Everyone’s family is different.  It’s really easy to say “when you get married your wife should be number one in your life”.  A lot of the previous posters have written that he needs to be willing to compromise and make adjustments.  I agree with that, but some of the compromise must also be on your part.  I think part of getting married involves making adjustments to your own life and own expectations in order to accomodate for another person who is separate and different than you are.  He has obviously grown up wtih a completely different family dynamic, and it might be a little unfair to expect him to forsake all of that just because your family dynamic is one that’s much more common.  Also, a man who cares for his mother (or for his family in general) is likely to be a man who cares about his wife and treats women well.  I definitely don’t think that his mom should come before you, but I also don’t agree that his role as a husband should always and in every instance come before his role as a son.  I’m clearly in the minority here, but I thought maybe another perspective might be helpful.  Perhaps if you bring up some of your concerns, let him know that it’s sort of hard for you because it’s an unusual circumstance, but also convey that you respect the relationship he has with his mom and don’t expect him to forsake that once your’e married, it will be easier to come to a place where both of you are compromising.

Post # 13
Member
2493 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I can’t say that I think there is anything wrong with him going on vacation with his mom, but his timing is not appropriate. I think that the boundary should be set at “when we have the money in our savings and can save additional money for a trip”. I know a lot of people say it is strange, but both me and my SO grew up in very small families (neither of us are close with cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents), so when we went on vacation going with one parent was not unusual. (I went on business trips with my dad all around the world and with my mom on weekend trips all over the place). It was a nice way to rekindle a relationship. Even now I go on weekend getaways with a parent and my SO doesn’t feel it is strange. When he went with his mom to a show in the States for a weekend, I never questioned it. Missed him, yes, but didn’t think it was strange at all.

I know my SO’s mom is a single mom and his father is insane so no one associates with him anymore. To keep their relationship strong and help her he visits her every Wednesday for dinner. They hang out, chat, eat some food, watch the news and he comes home. Does it suck sometimes that I have to schedule my life around wednesdays so someone is home to take the dogs out? Sometimes, but I feel that the gain that they have in their relationship makes him a better man.

Post # 14
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

No, you’re not being unreasonable… I agree that it’s a little bit odd for him to travel with his mum when you’re married.

Post # 15
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

At first, I thought it was weird that he would not want you to travel with him and his mom. If you are interested and able to go on the same trip, I don’t see why he would not want you. But, if it’s unreasonable for you to take the 7-10 day trip they want to take, I think you should be okay with them traveling without you.

Although while you are living apart, I would assume this is not relevant. Speaking from a LDR perspective, I think it is not unreasonable for you to want Fiance to spend all of his vacation days (a limited resource) with you. I more feel that this is one of those things that you can not determine in advance and must be taken as an individual situation. My Darling Husband has had 2 vacations without me this year and I have had two seperate vacations without him. The longest was the week he went to Greece with friends and I would have loved to have gone with him but it was planned for a week that I could not get the days off. Alternatively, I visited my family for Thanksgiving alone and he didn’t have any vacation time to come with me so it all comes together. If he is traveling alone with his mom, take some time for yourself, plan a girl’s trip or do something he does not want to do with you like a ski week. I must admit though, I rescently asked Darling Husband to promise only vacations together in 2012 as we are now LDR and our time together is more scarse. You need to really think of this not as him excluding you but him wanting to use his vacation days differently than you and giving you the chance to do what you want and he needs to realized that if you want to go, he should not be telling you no as you are his family now.

Post # 16
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I don’t think you should be prohibited from attending a family trip– I feel like that goes out the window when you get married. While you’re dating, I could certainly see times when a “family vacation” might not be able to include all dating-relationships of family members, but after you’re married you should be included. 

I do, however, think there’s an exception if the trip is planned (and paid for) by his family and you are simply unable to attend due to work or prior commitments.  (Hypothetically, I think it’d be far more polite of her to schedule it when you could come, but sometimes that’s not possible.)  However, I also know that some couples would take a more unified front and neither would go if one couldn’t. 

That said, it sounds like this is a trip to visit your family and your parents have graciously agreed to allow your Fiance to accompany you while you’re there as long as he pays his flight ticket.  I think it would be a little selfish of him to take this trip as a chance to travel with his mother?  It sounds like bad timing for the two of you to presumably pay for her plane ticket, hotels, food, etc, so he can spend less time with your family and travel with his mother.

I also think she shouldn’t have much of a say in your wedding plans if she can’t financially contribute.  It’s your wedding, please don’t let her stress you out. 

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