Post # 1
My SO told me his afternoon that he is going to go to a party that two of his mates are DJ at this coming satuday after hes been at football all day.
I rarely get to see him during the week as he plays football 4 night during the week and on saturdays and he knows that saturday evenings and sundays are reserved as us time.
Now usually i would let it slide and say he can go but whilst we were at one of the friends houses last weekend i overheard this DJ guy telling my SO and his brother to come to the party but keep it a secret from your partners and under no circumstances are they to be invited.
Now clearly my SO decided to tell me about it and i asked whose party it was. It turns out its this girls birthday ( one of the DJ guys used to date her ) and i know one of her friends is a girl my SO used to date.
these two girls turned up at our previous house one day unannounced and his girl my SO used to date was really flirty with him and ignored me the whole time. I asked him what it was all about and he said ‘nothing’. I later found out that he used to date her from a friend of mine and when i asked him about it he denied it. i asked his brother and he told me the truth. I went back to my fiance and demanded an explanation as to why he didnt tell me and he said he didnt want to upset me
Needless to say i told him that he was banned from going to any event where she had also been invited purely because he didnt tell me the truth and i dont trust her.
Am i wrong for telling him he cant go on saturday because this woman is going to be there?
He doesnt seem too bothered about not going and said is going to stay in with me and bump and watch the tv but i feel like im going to be the bad guy when he tells his mates he cant go.
Post # 3
Your feelings aren’t unreasonable.
Your ultimatums towards your SO are.
Post # 4
Although you feel this way I think you can trust him to go. If he was doing something behind your back there would of been an argument over the party and he was quite happy to stay home.
I think he should ask his mates why your not allowed to attend especially when other girls will be there. Maybe you could try come to an agreement of both going then you all get what you want.
Post # 5
I think he needs to talk to his friends to see why you can’t go with him.
Post # 6
It’s a GIRL’s party, but no girlfriends/wives are allowed to come?
That’s sketchy as hell. If it were just an all male thing, that’s one thing… but no way should he go if his friends are planning something that clearly their female SO’s wouldn’t approve of. Even without the background, that’s awful. You’re totally in the right for feeling as if he shouldn’t go and I’m glad your SO is awesome enough to not care about going. But instead of ultimatums, which never go well, find out why you’re not allowed to go.
Post # 7
Yes, I think you are being unreasonable. “Banning” your SO from doing something is ridiculous as he is an adult and you are not his mother. If DH tried to ban me from doing something, I would probably just laugh at him, he would do the same to me. It’s one thing to explain to him why it makes you feel uncomfortable, have a rational discussion, and come to a mutual agreement. It’s completely different to just give him an ultimatum.
Post # 8
I think you are right, I would have said the same thing.
Post # 9
He is not a child and you are not his mom. You just can’t say “you can’t go, because I feel insecure/trust this girl…” Relationships don’t work that way. What you’re basically saying is that you don’t trust HIM. Who cares about the girl? She is not your concern, your SO is, and will always be your first concern. Nothing is going happen between these two if your SO loves you and you trust him. She can flirt all she wants and have her hands all over him… but in the end – he will not do anything if he truly loves you.
But what I don’t like about this party is that it’s a “secret”. And to keep it a secret from the partners. That’s what’s wrong with this party!
Post # 10
It’s highly suspicious that there will be other women at this party, but the SOs of the guys are not invited. What kind of jackass friends does he have?
Normally, I would say the ultimatum is out of line, but in this case, you gotta do what ya gotta do. Because the alternative is your SO lying and doing sleazy shit behind your back.
Post # 11
haha thanks. My SO has agreed that my ultimatum was justifed. I appreciate it may sound harsh from the short snipped of background i put here but there was more to it that justified my ultimatum. 🙂
Oh let me add the ultimatum was given after the initial incident not in reaction to this party on saturday, i just asked him if this girl would be there and he said probably followed by ok i will stay at home and watch tv with you and bump and just hve some JD and coke at home.
then i replied saying yes because you know what i was gong to say if she was going and you still wanted to go. but his mates are going to assume i told him he cant go when in actual fact he decided by himself based on me simply asking if she would be there…make sense??!!
Post # 12
@ChocolateLime: Communication is key in a situation like this. You’re feelings aren’t unreasonable, but it might be the way that you are communicating yourself that might become the issue in the future. By demanding that your SO not do something/go somewhere/hang out with certian people, you are not only displaying “ownership” and dominance, but you’re also sending the message that you dont trust him to make his own – correct – decisions. This might strain your relationship in the future. I suggest that, instead of demanding that he not do something, communicate your feelings on the matter and let him make the decision. Your feelings might get hurt, yes, but relationships are learning experiences – if you step up as the “owner” of him, he might start to feel the need to “get out of it” so he can make his own decicsions.
Post # 13
thank you i appreciate your reply.
I am a very direct person and i know that somethings i say come accross abrubpt. At the moment i blame pregnancy hormones!!!
i think he understands what i mean is not nesessarily how it comes across :S
Post # 14
@ChocolateLime: i blame pregnancy hormones!!!
Yeah, hormones! LOL – yes, I get you now, I understand your post. And I am glad that it was HE who decided not to go, I just wish he can explain to his mates that a secret birthday party with other girls without their partners is not a good thing…
Post # 15
in hindsight (is that the word) i probably woldnt have even posted his if i werent a bag of hormones right now 🙁
just ignore me people!
Post # 16
My fiance won’t attend any event to which I’m not invited. He was the only person to bring a date to his school reunion (informal, at someone’s house). I was mildly embarrassed, as I didn’t know anyone and they’d all been friends since kindergarten, but upon leaving my fiance said “I can’t believe no one else brought a girlfriend/boyfriend. Even the married people didn’t bring spouses! How sad…” I wouldn’t have been offended if he’d left me home, hell, I may have even preferred it initally, but I’m happy that he’s proud of me and wants to spend as much time with me as possible.
Sooo I guess my question is- why can’t you go, and why does he want to go to this thing without you? Also, why was he dishonest about having dated this girl? Chances are nothing has happened with her or will happen with her, but I hate secrecy and exclusion- they have no place in a romantic relationship.