Post # 1
I’m struggling with an issue that has come up with my FI’s best friend…any advice would be great on how to deal!
My FI’s best friend of 10 years was thrilled when he was asked to be the best man at our wedding. He has 2 children- an 11 year old and a 2 month old. Our wedding is on NYE and will be a late night so my Fiance and I agreed that we are not inviting young children- we have a flower girl who will be 5 and other than that we have 3 teenagers attending. We decided that we would make an exception for the best man to bring his 11 year old because we know he would love to be there and we have grown close to him. However, we really do not want an infant at the wedding (I’m in the wedding industry and I can’t begin to tell you how many times babies cry during those special moments). I know some people will say it’s wrong because we are splitting up a family. We honestly thought the Bridesmaid or Best Man would be so happy that the 11 year old could come since he the ONLY non-relative child invited. But we were wrong and he was really mad we weren’t planning to invite his other childe. We are staying firm with our decision and they have declined to come because they can’t celebrate with one child and not the other. I should mention that they don’t go ANYWHERE without their kids, if their kids aren’t invited they don’t go- they miss out on lots of events and because of that their circle of friends continues to dwindle. I guess we should have been prepared for this, but for some reason Fiance really thought he’d make an exception for our wedding. I’ve been told by other friends to be happy they declined now because they had RSVP’d yes to their weddings and then didn’t show up.
I’m struggling because I know that my Fiance is really hurt by this. We have discussed allowing them to bring their toddler so that they will come, but each time have decided against it. I guess what it comes down to is that I’m really upset with them and I don’t know how to get over it. I was never super close with them (even though Fiance and I have been dating for 6 years!), so on the one hand it’s so easy to write them off, but on the other it’s not because of Fiance. However, even he has stated that he is always giving more in this friendship than he is recieving. I don’t know where the friendship will go from here, but I don’t want to be a reason it fizzles. Which is hard because I’m definitely not in any rush to hang out with them because I don’t know how to act. We recently went to the baptism of their child and the whole time sitting there I was bitter. I know it sounds awful, but all I kept thinking was how important this day was to them and we were there, but our wedding is so important to us and they won’t be there. Writing this it sounds so petty! I’m really not a petty person and can usually just brush things off, but this is really bothering me. Please help-tough love is Ok too! If i’m being a brat and unreasonable, tell me!
Thanks for any advice!
Post # 3
Just let the kid come. Ask that the baby be removed if he/she starts to fuss. That’s the deal. Then you can see your friends. I don’t understand why babies are considered so awful…they may cry a bit but honestly? Just ask that the mom remove the kid.
Post # 4
I don’t think that you’re being unreasonable at all. And it sounds like, from the other things you’ve told us your Darling Husband said, that this friendship was eventually going to fizzle anyways. This is not your fault – it was your decision as a couple to not invite babies, which is totally reasonable. it’s your wedding, and the two of you want a formal NYE affair without babies present. That is totally your choice and I think it’s shitty his friend is acting this way about it, although not surprising if they get angry and don’t attend any event kids aren’t invited to. Juat be there for your Fiance – I wouldn’t push him to discuss it if he doesn’t want to, but when he does just listen and by sympathetic.
Post # 5
I would just suck it up and let them bring the kid. This is your FI’s best friend.
Post # 6
- Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall
Would they be okay with an on-site babysitter during the ceremony? Just hire someone to watch the baby in another room away from the ceremony for the ~half hour, and then the baby can come to dinner/reception afterward, when silence isn’t as mandatory.
Post # 7
I think it’s important to consider…is sticking to your “no kids” policy more important than your friendship?
Only you and your Fiance can answer this. Really you should let your Fiance make the final decision, because it sounds like this guy is his close friend. Having a baby at the wedding isn’t the end of the world and most parents are good about removing them if they start to cause problems. Also, since the baby is so young, there may be real practical reasons they need to bring it along (like breastfeeding).
Post # 8
If it means that much to your Fiance that his friend is there, just let them bring the baby. Have the ushers seat the mom near an exit for the ceremony and let her know that if the baby cries there are seats in the vestibule or whatever.
Realistically, you aren’t even going to notice the tiny kid. Babies that little are usually more squeakers than screamers anyway.
Post # 9
I honestly think you were unreasonable to even request they leave the one child at home , but were willing to include the older child. The was very tacky. You need to fix this, before any permananet damage is done to your FI’s relationship with this man. Your Fiance obviously is close enough to him to have asked him to be the best man! You need to stop being petty, and just invite BOTH children, the wedding party should always be included if you are already making exceptions to your own rules.
Post # 10
I wouldn’t be doing what you’re doing. I think we see things differently and that’s okay, but here’s my two cents since you’re asking:
Can someone, the mom maybe, stay with the infant in a different room during the ceremony? That way the baby won’t potentially cry during the ceremony but you aren’t excluding them. But I do think they should all be welcome, as a family, to the reception. Of course you are allowed to have a no kids wedding, but it does create problems for those people and it shouldn’t surprise you that it does.
Post # 11
Are you being unreasonsable?! No, I do not think so. You are allowed to make the decisions on the guest list as you see fit. The fact is that you made an exception by realizing that inviting his 11-year old was a way to compromise with the fact that he would have a child there. And you made that exception because it is a ‘no kids’ wedding. It is not like you are inviting every kid you know except his 2-month old!!
I would hope he would be able to see the situation as it is, let it go, and your FI’s best man, instead of being angry and NOT attending anything at all! In the end, if he cannot get passed it, it is kind of him – not you guys. In the meantime, I would push your Fiance to TRY to communicate to him one more time. To try to get him to understand where you are coming from, and to try to make him understand that his presence is extremely important to you both.
If he still does not come around, then at least you tried. Good luck!
Post # 12
You made a decision about what type of even you wanted and that is fine. He made a decision about what kind of parent he wants to be and that is fine too. There is no problem with someone declining an invitation to a child free event, especially on NYE when a babysitter (if they would even be willing to leave a 2 MONTH old) would be really hard to come by. It would be rude to no show or show up with an uninvited child, but declining ahead of time is not an issue.
Post # 13
If it means so much to you and your Fiance for them to be at your wedding then allow the baby, too. A two month old will probably sleep the whole time anyway or they can arrange on-site child care. You can work this out for everyone to be happy, it’s called compromise.
Post # 14
Hmm..we had offered a babysitter for the night, but didn’t think of offering services just during the ceremony. That’s a good idea! Our main concern is the baby crying during the ceremony, I guess I don’t really care if he is there during the reception- he’ll most likely be sleeping anywyays!
Post # 15
@Razzmatazz: Great! If that’s the only concern, then somone to watch the child during the ceremony is hopefuly an easy fix to the situation!
Post # 16
You’re entitled to have a child-free wedding, but part of that is being understanding when you’re friends can’t make it. I think it’s hard for a lot of parents to live their newborns behind, especially when they are so young. It’s understandable that you’re disappointed, but you are going to need to let it go or make accommodations for them to bring their baby.