Post # 1
In 2009 my fiance and I planned to get married in August. In about March we postponed our wedding because the opprotunity came for me to get my dad’s Gi Bill which will pay for more then 50% of 3yrs worth of college (which I didn’t go to right out of high school because my mom needed help with my grandma), which at the time I had to be my dad’s dependent so thereforwe couldn’t get married because I couldn’t apply before August. My 6 bridesmaids had already ordered their dresses, but 4 out of the 6 could cancle and get their money back ($100). The other 2 are my cousins, whom I still want to be bridesmaids. Fast forward to now and I’m trying to pick out dresses for them for the wedding… I send them all e-mails with the 5 dresses I love (and have painstakingly taken hours to choose so it would look good on all 6 people) and ask them if they have a favorite. I get a message back from my eldest cousin she says that she doesn’t want to buy a set dress and doesn’t want to put anymore money into a dress she isn’t going to where again. Ummm…. ok this is coming from the person who teaches nursing has a Masters in nursing, her husband works at a very very good government job, they have a new over 200,000 house and both drive new cars and you can’t afford another $150-$200? She makes more then anyone else I know and has NEVER wanted for anything. And yes I’m a bit bitter because I postponed my life completely for 3yrs to take care of our grandmother while she got to go on with college, get married, buy a house, and have a kid. The other cousin hasn’t written me back, so I’m not sure these are her feelings too. I don’t feel like I’m being unreasonable and neither does my mom or my brother and sister in law. And it’s not like I’m asking them to buy some off the wall color. I’m asking them to buy a black dress of my choosing for my formal January wedding. And I don’t consider letting them buy one of their choice an option because it would A) look less formal B) all of my maids are taller then me so it would be distracting, and C) I had to wear dresses of their choosing when I was in their weddings and wound up spending at least $300 not including travel for one of theirs.
Post # 3
I think it would be nice if you could cover at least $100 of the cost of their new dress, since they weren’t able to get a refund last year. I would be put out if someone expected me to buy a second dress when there was nothing wrong with the first one, they’d just changed their mind. It’s not about money, it’s just the principle of it.
And as Betty Draper would say (something I keep telling myself anytime I wonder at other people’s financial choices because I am certainly guilty of it myself), “Stop counting other people’s money” 🙂
Post # 4
- Wedding: March 2011 - The Viceroy
I totally understand why you want a new dress, but this is the second dress your cousins have had to buy. No matter what their financial situations I think you should offer to pay for the old dress or give money towards the new dress. It sounds like you and your fiance made the right decision with changing the date for your situation, but they still have to buy 2 dresses per no fault of their own. I would pay just to keep the peace. Good luck!
Post # 5
I don’t think it’s ever fair to assume someones financial situation. My FI was judged for years based on his career & position in life… if they only knew he really had $100k + in student loans & was up to his eyeballs in debt due to poor choices in his twenties.
Anyway… I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but you aren’t being very understanding. I would feel the exact same way as your cousin. I don’t think she’s saying that you two won’t work out. She’s just doesn’t want to waste money on a dress in the event that the plans change again. Can you blame her since she had to bite $100 on the previous dress?
Post # 6
While it is nice you are picking a gdress that hopefully can be worn again, I am totally in agreement with your cousins. I would have been upset that you changed the wedding to save yourself a lot of money and then didn’t pay for the extra expense you cost them. Why don’t you go with the dresses they already have (through no fault of their own), or at least pay what they were out the first time?
Post # 7
I’m in agreement with the others on here – it doesn’t really matter how much money they make, that’s not a reason to expect them to buy two bridesmaid dresses without complaint. Would it be possible for you to pay for the money that they lost on the first dress, or offer to put that amount toward the cost of the new dress?
Post # 8
Yes, I think you’re being unreasonable. It has nothing to do with her financial situation either, regardless of what she or her husband makes. You asked her to buy a dress once and she did and you didn’t offer to pay for it when YOU canceled YOUR wedding so YOU could have YOUR college paid for. See a trend here? These are all decision that you made and she shouldn’t have to shell out another $100+ to pay for another dress. You should have offered to pay for the first dress, had you done that, she more than likely would have declined (as most people do in these situations) and you wouldn’t be having this problem.
Post # 9
Keep in mind that you’ve mentioned they have a new house and new cars. Do you know how much debt they are probably in now because of that? My husband and I also have a very nice house and I just got a “new” used car, but I’m in debt up to my eyeballs because of it and I wouldn’t want to buy a second dress either.
Post # 10
A 200k house isn’t expensive at all. Obviously they each need a car to go to work. They have a kid with expenses. And she probably has a lot of student loans from that masters. It sounds like they are living within their means, and being careful with money. I can understand why she’s not too excited about buying another dress, even if she can afford it. I’d definitely offer to cover the cost of the last dress. Why don’t you ask if they want to pick out some dresses – maybe you’d both like something they pick out. Spending money on your cousins’ weddings was your choice – a lot of bridesmaids decline the invitation if they can’t afford the cost. It’s not a reciprocal thing.
Post # 11
@rachelss – I think you should be careful about making assumptions like “a 200k house isn’t expensive at all.” It’s really dependent on where you live. Where I live in New England, a 200k house is not considered expensive, but in other areas of the country, I’m sure that it does. Plus I know that different areas of the country are paid differently, and hence why costs are different. So while 200k might not seem like a lot for a house to you or me, it may be a lot for them.
Post # 12
Unfortunately, I do think you’re being unreasonable and I don’t think it’s fair for you to make assumptions about the way they spend their money and their income. I’d say that if you want them to wear a specific dress so badly then you should really pay for the dresses yourself. As for being bitter, I don’t think you should blame your cousins or bms for the decisions you made–to postpone your life 3 years. This also shouldn’t be a tit for tat kind of thing, just because you spent upwards of $300 for one of them doesn’t make it fair for you to expect all 6 of them to do the same for you. Sorry! I’m sure this wasn’t what you wanted to hear but the bottom line is yes, I think you’re being a bit unreasonable. Good luck!
Post # 13
If this was the first dress and she was complaining, yeah, that would really suck. It’s kind of a given that BMs pay for their dresses. However, this isn’t the 1st dress and no where in the unwritten BMs rules does it say you should be required to buy two dresses. I would feel very uncomfortable asking them to do so. Being a BM is already enough of a financial commitment when you factor in the costs of showers, bachelorette parties, gifts, dress #1, hair, nails, etc, etc, etc. So, to ask a bridesmaid to pay an additional $150-$200 on another dress because you changed your mind? Yeah, that’s a tad bit unreasonable.
And I agree with the other bees that said it’s unfair to judge your BM on what her financial status appears to be. I highly doubt she shares her monthly total of bills with you. Maybe she doesn’t have the extra $200 because she is paying for the $200k house, student loans on her master’s degree in nursing, and the expenses of her kid. You really have to look at that side of things. When my DH and I got married, my MIL made the comment of how nice it will be to have all that extra money now that we would have a combined bank account? UHHH HELL NO! Just because we got married, doesn’t mean all our previous financial obligations went away. We still have the same situation as before. It’s just not safe to assume someone’s financial situation/status.
Post # 15
I think your cousin’s response was probably a result of some frustration from her having to keep a dress that she bought for your event. I understand you wanting a new dress, I understand her not wantign to buy a second dress.
Maybe just call (or email if you’re an anti-caller) and just express that you understand it DOES kind of suck that she has a dress she’s stuck with, but that you really would love her to have this new dress to. Take a little bit to understand her frustration and then talk to her about it.
Also, I don’t think how she spends her money is relevant so try not to raise it or the fact that you took care of your grandmother. The dress is not such a huge deal that it should become one of those times where something little skyrocketed into a HUGE fight.
Clearly she means alot to you if she’s your BM! Communication is key 🙂
Post # 16
I think you need to put yourself in her shoes, and think about how you would feel. There is obviously some upset because she did not get a refund, maybe work out a way to pay them back for the refund or something like that- but don’t let this ruin your relationship!