(Closed) Am I being unreasonable?

posted 3 years ago in Christian
Post # 31
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Sorry for your loss bee I can’t imagine…

Just read the update – good for you, I hope it all works out 🙂

Post # 32
4254 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

tward8:  This may sound harsh, but you are living in the clouds with this.  Sure you told him what you want out of him and the type of spouse you want to have…but you are asking him to be something he is not.  That is the root of this.  You are trying to force him into a lifestyle he obviously has not chosen for himself…because that is what YOU want, not necessarily what HE wants.  To be completely honest that is absolutely not fair of you to expect him to do this just for you to be happy.  Sure you want to be with a Christian man who is the head of the household…but haven’t you realized by now this guy isn’t that person?

I think you feel bad/guilty for having premarital sex and are willing to try just about anything to make this work with this man because of it.  You can’t let that guilt guide you.  You are using your heart and in this situation you truly have to start using your head.  You know him better than I do — has he ever shown these traits that you are expecting from your future husband?  Has he ever been the type of man who would lead you in prayer as a couple?  Has he ever been the type of man who would pray over your relationship?  If not, he isn’t about to change now.

I mean I get it, you want this to work out because you have history…but you are holding out hope that this will work when it is pretty obvious he will never be the type of man you want your husband to be.

Post # 33
8264 posts
Bumble Beekeeper


 Yes, what ljm308:  said x 10.

It is not at all , in the slightest reasonable to expect someone to become this godfearing, prayerful,   spiritual leader of a person  when they have shown consistently that this is NOT what they are.

What he sounds like he IS ,  is  a lovely man who stayed strong and  steadfast and loving  through the dreadful time  of your baby’s  diagnosis and death . But not necessarily   a practising Christian  – or at least not  enough of a one for you.

Without knowing you, it seems to me that you have have gone back to faith because of several drivers  , one of which,  I venture to suggest,  is enormous  guilt and contrition . Not just about the sex, but also about the baby generally . And because leaving him now, after all he was to you might  seem disloyal and ungrateful .

You have (both )  had a terrible  time and for you , the answer is to revert to a fairly strict  style of christian faith . It’s not his path and you  can’t  make him go down it . As others have said, can you accept this and live with it , without proseltysing and haranguing him and constantly telling him about the ‘error of his ways’ ?  If not, let him go . And , as a pp said, no ‘slipping up /messing up’  and accidentally having sex again.  



Post # 34
145 posts
Blushing bee

As hard as it sounds, I would seriously consider if you should continue with your relationship. I’ve only been a Christian for 3 years now (I’ve always believed in God, but it wasn’t until then that I decided to follow him with my whole heart). I am in 3-year relationship with a man of the same faith as I. We go to church together every Sunday, we pray together, we are in a bible study together, etc. At this point, I know that I could never marry a man who does not share the same faith as me. When you follow God with your whole heart, he is number one in your life; your husband is second. A man should lead you closer to God each and every day. 

I truly believe that you are strong in your faith (and you want to become stronger), you can’t marry someone who does not share that faith. He will simply hold you back. I’ve seen so many marriages crumble for this exact same reason….My church even has a rule about this. They will NOT marry two people of separate faiths. They will marry two believers, two semi-believers, or even two athiests. But they will not marry people of opposite faiths. They must have the same beliefs, because it is such an important aspect of life. 

The way I look at it, your husband is for your lifetime on Earth (if even that long….), but God is for eternity. Would you rather give everything to this man, or to your Father, the wonderfuland amazing Creator who knit you together in your mother’s womb? The One who created the entire Earth and everything in it?

Pray about it. Seriously consider it. Listen to what God is telling you and where he is leading you. His plan is FAR better than yours could every be. Trust him.

Post # 35
3839 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

As most people have said, both partners don’t have to be exactly the same in their religious commitment, but each partner does have to be happy with the pairing. I am more overtly Christian than my fiance, he doesn’t come to church a whole lot, but I am cool with that and I am happy to attend church on my own. I also am happy not to expect him to be my spiritual leader because I can lead myself. And he in turn is happy to do ‘Christian things’ now and again because he knows it is important to me. So for us it works, but for you it may not and that is perfectly ok. Sad, but ok.

If this is mainly about sex, do some soul-searching and decide if you intend to be celibate or not. Personally I decided that I was fine with pre-marital sex as a Christian. For me, the rule comes from the days where women had no power and no contraceptives, and it was pretty much a disaster to get pregnant without guaranteed support from the father. In the present-day, I see no persuasive reason against it as long as you are safe and happy. I do not say this to tell you you are wrong, but just to illustrate how different people come to different conclusions and in the end it comes down to your feelings and what you feel is right. You need to be happy within yourself. If you decide you are not happy to have sex, let him know and let him make his own decision as to whether he can live with this.

It isn’t unreasonable for you to grow and change as long as you are honest with your partner and let him make his own decision too. I’m so sorry you are going through all this heartbreak, I sincerely hope you find peace.

Post # 36
86 posts
Worker bee

tward8 :  Sending you a hug for what you went through. It sounds like you’re not equally yoked. I had sinful living situations before playing house and now I am seeking a different life for myself because I believe God blesses relationships that are on a narrow path for his Glory. A lot of anxiety, sadness, and anguish come from doing it the other way. Doesn’t make you a bad person but definitely makes your life much more difficult. God bless you and your heart as you grieve. 

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