Am i being unreasonable?

posted 8 months ago in Engagement
Post # 2
7388 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I accept that compromises need to be made, but I dont know why i should compromise because of his grandmothers wishes – it would be different if it was him that didnt want this.

Are you sure it’s not him that wants it too though? Like isn’t it possible it’s actually important for him to have his grandmother there when he gets married? If not I could see your point, but I’d def want to discuss this more to be sure I understood where my partner was coming from.

and yes, you do need to compromise. There’s a lot of room for compromise between eloping to a foreign country with just the two of you, and having a local wedding with “800 people telling me what I should do/should have/influencing decisions.” For example you could do a very small local wedding with just immediate family and set clear boundaries from the get-go that you’re doing it your way. Whichever direction you go in, you and your partner need to be on the same page and both feeling good about it.

Post # 4
7388 posts
Busy Beekeeper

callie739 :  Ah ok. Well it’s not right to expect you to automatically get married in his city which is far away from yours just because his grandma wants that. I dunno to me this would come down to what’s really motivating my partner. I would not be cool with being forced into a wedding I didn’t want simply cause my parnter was too meek to stand up to his grandma, but I would be more understanding if he really really wanted her to be there and the only way that would be possible was by getting married in his home town. You just need to talk to him some more bee…if he truly is happy with eloping and then having a party later in his home town that granny attends, and his only objection to this plan is fear of disappointing granny, then no….that wouldn’t fly with me.

Post # 5
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

Are you being unreasonable? Yes, bulldozing what the groom wants for a wedding is being unreasonable. Plenty of people don’t want to elope so they can have family there. It’s also HIS wedding, and you need to keep that in mind.

It doesnt sound like he wants to have a 300 person wedding, he might be happy with a courthouse ceremony, just immediate family. Then you can run off to your exotic locale for an amazing honeymoon. 

Post # 7
10034 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

With all due respect to his grandmother it’s not her wedding, it’s your’s and your fiance’s.  It’s very sweet of your fiance to take her feelings into consideration but you’re the BRIDE, lol.  😉

Just because his grandmother may prefer his getting married in their hometown doesn’t mean she couldn’t possibly understand and be reasonable about changing the location, since it’s not your hometown and you also want to get married elsewhere.  Have you two tried talking with her about it?  Maybe she’ll surprise you and be ok with having the wedding wherever the two of you decide you want to have it.

Post # 8
458 posts
Helper bee

Idk if I would say you are unreasonable here, I think the problem is your Fiance standing up to his grandma. 

Darling Husband and I actually were jokingly (but also semi-serious) about getting married in Vegas and how we should’ve just done a destination wedding. However, Darling Husband knew his grandparents wouldn’t be able to attend and I knew mind wouldn’t either. While they didn’t control where we got married (like your FI’s grandma expecting it be in his hometown) it still mattered that we have our wedding where they could attend. I respected my husband’s desire to have his grandparents be there and he respected mine.

You definitely need to figure out some sort of compromise here with your Fiance and his grandmother. First, compromise and discuss what type of wedding you BOTH want. THEN, I would approach your ideas with the grandmother and go from there. If your Fiance really doesn’t care about compromising with his grandma then he needs to grow a pair and stand up to her and tell her “this is where the wedding will be, we love you and hope you can be there” I bet she will attend regardless of where you have it. 

Post # 9
287 posts
Helper bee

Wow you just described my EXACT dream wedding lol 🙂

Any chance his grandmother would be able to fly out to the ceremony? As a good will gesture (assuming its within your budget of course), could you even offer to pay her airfare or accomodations (or both)? OR, even better, what about just having a small reception-style party for family and close friends to celebrate your marriage once you return from the private elopement?

Or, if that’s out of the question, could you have the elopement ceremony somewhere more local, within a reasonable road-trip driving distance?

Regardless, you do have to consider your fiance’s feelings on the matter, as he is entitled to his 50% share of the decision :/

ETA: Oh ok, just read that she won’t agree to a post-elopement celebration…but still. Its your wedding! Compromise, yes; but don’t let one little old lady bully you into something you don’t want!

Post # 10
5823 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

If it was just his grandmother, and he truly wanted the same thing you want, he would be able to gently explain to her what the two of you have decided. I think it is convenient for him to blame it on grandma, but if he really didn’t want a wedding with family there, he wouldn’t be making excuses. 

Dh and I talked about our wedding, and I seriously believed that he wanted to elope in Vegas (I would have LOVED to). He talked about it and even started looking at flights and hotels. But when he proposed and we seriously started talking about planning a wedding, he wanted to get married in a church with his grandmother there. She was elderly and would not have traveled (not that we would have invited anyone). 

I didn’t want to give up the Vegas idea, but I also realized that we would be on better terms with his family forever if we got married in a more traditional way. And regardless of how Dh explained it, he wouldn’t have changed his mind unless HE also wanted things more traditional. In the end, I figured we could always renew vows in Vegas or honeymoon somewhere fun. We would be married, his family would be happy, my mum would be happier, and most importantly HE would be happy, so we went the traditional route. 

Post # 11
11123 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Your fiancé is entitled to care about his grandmother’s feelings. You aren’t the only one getting married. To me the people I care for and who I thought deserved to be at my wedding were always more important than an exotic venue. Maybe he feels the same way.

You can’t make the argument that if she were not in the picture he’d feel differently. She IS in the picture, and that has obviously influenced his wishes. 

Post # 12
3 posts
  • Wedding: June 2020

i guess you could follow your dreams to have a close friends ceremony abroad and then make another grand ceremony in town so that his grandparents could attend. i know you would need to spent more but there’s nothing you can do about it unless you are ready to give up on your dreams

Post # 13
131 posts
Blushing bee

callie739 :  Would you ever consider flying grandma to your (if I’m reading this correctly) destination wedding? Granted, if she’s not too elderly to the point of flying would be uncomfortable for her. Otherwise, I think you should be respectful of your partners wishes and try and compromise. 

Post # 14
370 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

It’s important to him to have his family there, so it should be important to you to make that happen. If that means smaller local wedding with just family, great. If that means flying grandma abroad, that’s cool too. Bear in mind that you are each 50% of this relationship, and you need to approach it with a genuine spirit of compromise. Consider this excellent practice at negotiating important issues for your future marriage.

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