(Closed) Am I Being Unreasonable? Advice Please!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

ClassicCorvette: Why did you start crying? Why not just assert yourself? They might be worried that they’re going to have to entertain him which would explain the too much trouble comment.

Personally, when I got involved with Fiance it became a “where I go, he goes” kind of thing on the weekend unless it was clearly girls’ or boys’ nights. Also, he and I were always welcome to each other’s events but it was never mandated. 

Your family might not realize how serious you are unless you start having a little bit of confidence to have the life you want.

Post # 18
Member
787 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

If I really wanted to bring my significant other of over a year and he was explicitly not invited to a family occasion, I wouldn’t go either. Set the trend now; you are a unit and need to be treated as such. Giving in sends that message that his presence in their lives is optional going forward, and really, it’s not. Be strong.

Post # 20
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I wouldn’t ask, I’d just bring him.  Seriously what could they have planned that one more person is going to screw it all up.  Your brother would know wtf is going on if he called once in a while.   Will he really truely care if your SO comes or not?  probably not.  Would he like to meet the guy that plans on marrying his sister? Yes.   I have a brother like this, hard to reach, calls the shots on plans, so when Darling Husband and I started dating I just brought Darling Husband along.  It was fine.   

Post # 21
Member
964 posts
Busy bee

If my family called to tell me about a get-together, it wouldn’t even occur to me to ask if my SO of two years could come. I would just assume it’s a given. Because, as others have said, by that point you two are a unit and you’re family needs to accept that. It’s super rude to deliberately exclude him.

When your family invites you somewhere, you say *that sounds great! I’ll just check with SO for schedule conflicts and we’ll let you know.*

Post # 22
Member
966 posts
Busy bee

I totally get how you are feeling. I may not have a so right now but I have learned some good values from the bee. If this person who didn’t invite your so was a friend then that might be one thing, but the fact that this person is your brother then I would find this unacceptable. When you and your so are committed family relationships should be joint relationships. Friendships don’t have to be joint but family relationships need to be joint and if my family repeatly exclude my future so then I would not only decline events but I would cut them out of my life, unless they were my parents or something. 

Post # 23
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

ClassicCorvette: Look, at the end of the day, you’re an adult. Act like one. Otherwise, your family will continue to treat you like a child. 

Being an adult means making your own decisions and owning the consequences. You can do things like eat sugar cereal for dinner or ice cream for breakfast. Bring your SO to family events if he’s going to eventually become family. 

Post # 24
Member
297 posts
Helper bee

If your mother is not planning the party… then she doesn’t have the authority to say “no”– and you should be calling your brother to ask him!

So really to me this sounds like your mother secretly has a personal problem with your SO being a part of “family gatherings” since he’s not officially “family” yet…

Post # 25
Member
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I agree with PP. Don’t ask just take him. Your SO and you are a unit. People (including family) will only treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. Stop this now or it will become a habit of them not inviting him.

Post # 26
Member
537 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I too fail to see why you need “permission” to bring your SO on a family shopping trip. At the most, I would give my brother a heads up that SO is coming, but there would be no “asking”.

This seems like a bizarre family dynamic, I could never imagine my family saying “no” to meeting my SO for the first time. If this is really the entire store, you need to grow a spine, OP- if your family really says “no” to bring your SO, I simply wouldn’t be joining the family on this occasion.

Post # 27
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

ClassicCorvette:  So it was acceptable for him to bring his gf with him each time, and now he says no to you? Bring him anyway. If it’s too much trouble for an extra person, maybe he can leave his wife at home for the shopping trip? No? 😛 But that’s what he’s asking you to do. 

Post # 30
Member
758 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I am a pretty self assured person, so I sometimes struggle with posts like these because I can’t understand why someone wouldn’t just put their foot down and say something about it.

If I were your SO, I would be pretty offended that my partner’s family was having a get-together and I wasn’t invited.  I suggest you speak up – show your family that it’s totally inappropriate to have a family get together and exclude your SO and that you’re not going to participate if he isn’t invited.  That or just bring him. 

But if you let this one slide, be prepared to deal with this sort of behaviour from your family for the rest of your life…because by doing nothing, you are essentially encouraging them to continue to act like this forever.

Good luck

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