Am I being unreasonable? (bridesmaid related)

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
Member
614 posts
Busy bee

I think we’re all a bit guilty of talking about things that aren’t that interesting to other people.

My single friends complain about the engaged ones talking too much about their weddings. My engaged friends complain about the moms talking too much about their kids. 

My mom talks incessantly about her job and grandkids. That’s what makes her tick. I talk a lot about my family to my friends and my friends to my family. Not sure any of it is that interesting to other people. But it’s what’s important to me, what’s on my mind, and what I have the most to talk about.

I would let this go. I don’t think they were intentionally trying to exclude you or not share in your excitement. But, truthfully, it’s hard to get that excited over the details of someone else’s wedding. And I love weddings. My husband and I have a close friend who was probably the person, besides us and our families, who was most excited that we were getting married. But if I brought up any wedding-related details, her eyes would glaze over. So I realized early on that if I wanted to talk about wedding stuff, I would bring it up with the friends who had recently planned weddings and were actively looking for information.

Figure out which friends do like talking about weddings and talk to them about it. Don’t take it personally that others don’t find it as interesting to talk about as you do. It doesn’t mean they are any less happy for you.

FWIW, I don’t think you’re wrong to be disappointed. But it does sound like these friends care a lot about you and put in a lot of effort to make a nice weekend for you. I would adjust my expectations so that you’re not let down by them again but be grateful to have women in your life who love you so much (even if they are a little baby-centered). 

Post # 17
Member
3317 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Damn.. that would irk the hell out of me too.

Like others have said, your flower choice isn’t very interesting nor does it affect them in a meaningful way, but I think it was incredibly rude and inconsiderate of them to hijack the entire event with baby talk. Newsflash parents: BABIES ARE NOT THAT FUCKING INTERESTING.

In fact, to people who don’t have kids they are pretty much the least interesting thing in existence.

I wouldn’t care if at my bachelorette party or even my wedding some of the new parents catch up with one another about how the kids are doing, but catching up takes like 5 mintes “Realeigh is talking now, Jayden broke his arm, and little Ashton hasn’t quite taken to the bottle.” The end. Parents who literally have NOTHING else to talk about are a fucking nightmare.  

Post # 18
Member
3232 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

*Reminder to self – don’t talk about baby while you’re at the Bachelorette weekend this weekend even though it’s your first time away from him and you’re probably going to be a blubbering crying mess the whole time*

No but really, I agree with posters who say that your friends took time away from momhood, which is HARD and ALL consuming, to throw you a hen’s night. Focus on that, they obviously truly do care for you and want you to have a good time, but it may be hard for them as well! I don’t think I have ever known about flowers in any wedding I have been in, so the stuff that seems really important and interesting to you probably wasn’t all that interesting to them either. You both were wrapped up in what you were wanting to talk about, I’m sorry that they were two totally different subjects. 

Post # 19
Bee
5201 posts
Bee Keeper

Frankly, wedding details are kind of boring and I’d probably be looking for someone else to talk to. It’s normal to talk about what’s new in your life, for you it’s wedding planning, for them it’s babies. They threw you a nice party, I think that being upset because they dont want to talk about your wedding details is kind of self-absorbed. But im sure that many here at WB will sympathize with you because your wedding is so special it shoukd be the focal point of all conversation.

Ugh.

Post # 20
Member
1755 posts
Buzzing bee

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brides19 :  You are justified. But you didn’t speak up at the hens party so you can’t really do anything about it now. Just take this to heart that when you become a mother, you don’t want to be the kind of mom who can only talk about herself and her child. Remember this, and remember to be a more well rounded and balanced person after you have a child. If you want to have a moment to yourself to recapture that single hens party excitement, why don’t you invite the single girls in town near you to have 1 more spa day, or 1 night out for drinks and celebrate again. Sorry this happened to you bee. 

Post # 21
Member
1755 posts
Buzzing bee

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sboom :  hahah!! love this. True story, babies are super boring to anyone other than the parents or immediate family. Sorry not sorry! lol

Post # 22
Member
450 posts
Helper bee

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carolinabelle :  *Reminder to self – don’t talk about baby while you’re at the Bachelorette weekend this weekend even though it’s your first time away from him and you’re probably going to be a blubbering crying mess the whole time*

I know you meant this in a hyperbolic way but it’s kind of over the top, and is probably true for some women.

I’m part of a particular friend group in which five couples (ten people, maybe a third of the regular attendees of the group) got married this year and another couple already was. It got to where all anyone talked about was wedding planning and married (read: newlywed) life. I’m not engaged yet and actually don’t mind that subject matter, but it was all. they. ever. discussed. so it got super tiring and was very exclusionary to other members of the group, some of whom were single at the time. They never wanted to talk about work or current events or, really, anything.

So for people who don’t have kids, or don’t want kids, or (even worse) can’t have kids, constant kid talk is overwhelming and kind of rude, just like incessant talk about anything can be overwhelming and kind of rude. And as thebeekeeper : said, it almost makes you not want to have them!

Idk, ladies. Just be mindful of the conversation and who you’re excluding in doing so.

Post # 23
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Kid talk is tedious but so is talking about flowers or centerpieces.  Every bachelorette I’ve been to, including my own, was just about hanging out and dranks upon dranks upon dranks.  It wasn’t like we all sat around just focusing on wedding talk or kid talk or husband talk.  If you were annoyed at the kid talk you could have easily left the mums to talk and started a convo with someone else.  Although,  I would be just as bored if all a bride to be wanted to talk about were the decoration selection or other wedding details.  

Post # 24
Member
1087 posts
Bumble bee

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brides19 :  I’m sad you had to realize all of this at your party. I also limit my time with parents who are like your friends — I can talk about kids for 10% of the time but anything more than that is uninteresting to nonparents. 

Post # 25
Member
1615 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

Ugh I’m so sorry this happened to you at your party.  I’ve been a mother for almost 16 years and now that my kids are older and my sisters have little kids I can’t get them to talk about anything else!  It’s maddening sometimes. But I’m sure I did it too. 

Try to forgive them!  Focus on your day and surround yourself with people who are as excited about your wedding as you. 

 

Post # 26
Member
5 posts
Newbee

I think the OP is right to feel annoyed. On a recent batchelorette most of the women present were nurses. If they had spent the whole time talking about work and I couldn’t join in those conversations then that, quite rightly, would be seen as rude (and boring). If there is a friend who is not a mother it is the same thing. They are left out. Mothers need to realise that their child is not the centre of everyone’s world and the mundane day to day of being a mother is not interesting conversation. By all means share the odd funny story or brag but know when to stop, just as you would with any other topic. And never make people feel inferior or less important for not having children. It may be a choice but you never know another person’s struggles. 

Post # 27
Member
3232 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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whitecollarbee :  yeah, I thought it was pretty clear that my comment was sarcastic. But if me talking about my child makes other people not want to have one, well that’s probably for the best. Motherhood is not for the faint of heart. And their kid couldn’t compare to mine anyway! (Har har that part was sarcasm again)

FWIW I made it through the weekend without making any enemies on my child’s behalf. 

Post # 28
Member
450 posts
Helper bee

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carolinabelle :  I literally acknowledged your comment was hyperbole in the first line of my post.

No one’s telling you to not talk about your child. Literally no one, myself included. We are saying that constant talk about your kid or kids in general when you are in a mixed group of people can be alienating and isolating to people who aren’t parents, just like talking about relationships/weddings in front of people who are single or talking shop around people who aren’t in your field. Anyone with an iota of self-awareness shouldn’t have any trouble comprehending this. Hopefully you model empathy and self-awareness to your kid IRL because you definitely haven’t done that on this thread.

As for constant kid talk making you question having kids, I can’t speak for everyone who feels that way but for me it’s a feeling of fear that I, too, will become a one-dimensional Momster who can’t talk about anything else to the extent that they make non-parents feel self-conscious and uncomfortable. If you think it’s “for the best” (wtf?!?) that I not have kids, then sorry that so many women don’t make the cut for you.

 

Post # 29
Member
3232 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
whitecollarbee :  Oh my god, you can’t even blame your lack of a sense of humor on motherhood rotting your brain. So what’s your excuse? 

Post # 30
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee

Honestly, IMO the moms that came to your hens sound rather selfish. I bet if you were a part of those ladies hens when they were getting married, they’d expect the attention to be focused on them. A parent sees their kids 24/7 minus school/work. A wedding is (usually) a once-in-a-lifetime experience. It wouldn’t hurt someone to be a little selfless for another person who is excited to talk about their wedding and make them feel a little special.

Yea, I get a childfree focus in your life ends when a woman has kids, but these women chose to take time to go to your bachellorette. If they didn’t want to leave their life at home, then they shouldn’t have attended.

I agree with some other posters about women/parents having a hard time seperating themselves from their kids even when they aren’t around. I get that kids can bond mothers because they are a commonality, but in my experience, parents only tend to talk mainly about their kids even when the children aren’t even present. No one’s kid is that special to anyone else, but the parents themselves.

I am sorry you had a sucky feeling about your bachellorette. It is completely normal to feel disappointed in this, when you feel like the reality of something turned out to not be like what you imagined it to be. Maybe see if you can shift the focus of your thoughts to some of the fun or positive aspects of the event. I know that can be difficult, but at least you have the wedding itself to look forward to, and it sounded like some of the other girls that weren’t moms felt similarly to you, so at least you know you weren’t the odd one out feeling that way.

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