Post # 1
Okay so my Fiance and I got engaged in Dec 2011. We are only 20 and 21 and I am still studying so we have decided to have a long engagement. We have set the date for late 2014 September/October. We have started planning and discussing what we want. I have called a few places and we have been looking at different reception centres and going to bridal fairs. We have our engagement party for June 2nd this year. We are having a cockatil party with 100 of our friends and family. I wanted to have something more intimate with less people and possibly a sit down dinner. However I compromised and went for the cocktail party that he wanted.
Anyway……. we saw this amazing function centre on the weekend and we fell in love with it (well I thought he did). They have us a quote for $106 pp with a minimum of 200 guests as the room is quite large. The venue has a grand entrance, heaps of parking, a cocktail roo, for before dinner, and then huge double doors leading to the reception room which has the bridal table across the back, a sunken dance floor in the middle of the room and all of the guests seated around it. It was beautiful. The price of $106 pp includes 3 course dinner (antipasto, prawn platters, pasta, chicken/lamb, salad, fruit, dessert, coffee. This is a lot of food and is very traditional for Italian weddings. The price also included all alcohol which we can select ourselves as well as the chair/table covers. All we will have to supply is the wedding cake, music and centepieces.
Today Fiance and I are at the gym and all of a sudden he tells me that he wants to have a small intimate wedding. He said that he wou;d rather have a smaller wedding and then be able to afford all of the nicer things. (which i understand….).. THEN he goes to saying.. maybe we should have a smaller wedding so it is cheaper and we will have more money to buy our house. OKAY so this all sounds true,. but the matter of the fact is that my dad has offered to pay for the reception… and he is aware of the $20+ thouand price tag which comes along with our guest list and venue choice. I just don’t understand where my Fiance is getting this attitude from… He knew my own guest list hit 284 (with my family and friends alone). I had the painful job of cutting people to get the 130. My Fiance is Italian too so he understand how weddings can be………. His list was only 90 which isn’t that much less than my 130.
He has come up with the idea that he only wants 150 at the wedding. With his 90… he is only allowing me to invite 60. He knows about the huge cut I made from 284 to 130. How is this fair? Am I missing something? I feel so upset about this that I am crying… I am suppose to enjoy the planning proccess of my wedding. I just dont understand what is wrong with him. I plan to have a long talk to him tomorrow night when we are alone. It almost feels as though someone has been talking to him and influencing him to thing a certain way. His mother already took control of my engagement party… she CAN’T decide on my wedding too.
I was excited to plan the wedding with my Fiance.. but now it feels like I will never know what HE really wants because he has been persuaded by other people. How can I approach him about this? Why do you think he is being so weird?
Post # 3
If your dad is paying for it I don’t see what the issue is. I am so glad my FH doesn’t want anything to do with wedding planning.
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2012 - Sunset Harbour
Maybe your Fiance feels guilty or doesnt even want to spend your father’s money.
I don’t know….if my family offered to pay for the reception, I would still be cutting costs left and right to make it easier on them. Your Fiance just might not be comfortable with the price tag.
Post # 5
Do not get emotional about this. Just simply say No I don’t think so. You are right this isn’t him being fair. So don’t get drawn into an argument about it. Be unemotional and don’t get sucked in and eventually he will come to you ready to discuss it reasonably. I know it is easier said then done. 🙂 But when emotions enter in rationality and logic leave.
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2012 - Sunset Harbour
His list was only 90 which isn’t that much less than my 130
Also, that IS a good difference in numbers when you are talking wedding attendance. At the location that you want – it’s a good $4,000+ difference.
Post # 7
If your dad is really paying and he is cool with having a big expensive wedding, than I don’t understand why your Fiance is wanting to make cuts? I get the feeling there is something he is not communicating with you. Maybe he does feel guilty for spending that much money like a PP suggested, or maybe he’s getting stage fright because of having to stand infront of so many guests? idk, but I think you should sit down and talk to him calmly and ask him why he suddenly wants an “intimate” wedding.
Post # 8
@kfiorita: Since you know your Fiance knows about your dad’s willingness to pay for the reception, can you calmly ask him what’s on his mind and how he came to this decision? I disagree that he has no say in the matter if your dad is paying – this is FI’s day too – but if it’s not about money, maybe it’s something else? It could be as simple as him being afraid of getting married in front of all those people.
IMO with regards to guest list: if his target is 150, then it should be proportional to your original list. You should have a bigger share (more than 75) and he should have less.
Post # 9
Honestly, I can see where your Fiance is coming from. Maybe he is thinking of all the other costs associated with the wedding (dress, limo, invites, suits ect) that your dad may not be covering. Or maybe is thinking that if your dad is willing to pay that much towards a reception he would be willing to use that money to help you guys buy a house instead.
Either way, I think that you need to sit with him and discuss the reason he prefers a smaller wedding.
The only thing that I think is wrong is the fact that he wants to have 90 guests and you have 40. That is something that I would not stand for. If he wants to cut the guest list down, it has to be 50/50.
Post # 10
this is about a marriage, not a wedding. also, it is his day, too. there’s room for compromise in here! let’s each have about 90 guests and call it even. maybe your dad could give you the difference for a downpayment on a house? that’s a much more sensible way to spend his money 🙂
Post # 11
I think you’re both being a little bit unreasonable.
I think that he’s entitled to want a smaller guest list – regardless of who is paying, and that might be something you have to compromise on. I would talk to him about his specific concerns regarding 200 guests versus 150 guests and go from there. Maybe if you outline the rest of the expenses that your dad isn’t paying for, you can find opportunities to compromise in other areas that may or may not include chopping a quarter of the guests from the list.
If you do end up only inviting 150 people though, it makes no sense that he’d get to keep his original 90 and you’d have to hack your list down even further to only 60. You either need to split the guest list in half, or go through the list person by person and mutually agree on who must be invited.
Post # 12
I would ask him why. I’m Italian too and I totally understand the big wedding; family is important and a wedding is an opportunity to bring everyone in the family and all of the friends together. It’s like a family reunion but bigger. I wish I could do the big Italian wedding but I’m paying for my own wedding, and I know how much I’ll miss a lot of my extended family who I rarely get a chance to see. Not all Italians feel this way, and some Italians our age want to rebel from the lifestyle because it comes along with some not so pleasant aspect (like, everyone is up in your business). Maybe your fiance is trying to pull away from that? Maybe he thinks your family is too involved in your life?
If your father is willing to pay and knows the pricetag, it doesn’t make sense that he would worry about the money; it doesn’t at all follow that because your father will pay for the wedding that he would give you the same amount of money for a down payment. I would ask him what is really bugging him. Perhaps your father talked to him and told him that he had to keep his guestlist low to accomodate yours? I don’t know your father so please don’t be offended by that suggestion, it’s just the only reason I can think of the money thing coming into play. $106 with the venue, the three courses, and the alcohol is not too unreasonable.
Like PPs have said, it’s not at all fair to be 90/60, especially when your dad is the one who is paying for the guests! My suggestion is to NOT blame his mother immediately. Instead just calmly ask him why he wants it to be 150 people and explain to him that it won’t affect his finances either way because your dad is not going to just give you the other part of the money that he would have spent on the wedding. Let him tell you what his problem is instead of going straight to your suspicion that it’s his mother, because that’ll just ruffle his feathers the wrong way and he’ll turn it into an argument about how you hate his mother or something like that.
Post # 13
You have more than enough time to work this out, and I’d venture to say your plans will go through many more changes before all is said and done. It almost sounds like you have different visions of what you really want in a wedding celebration. It happened to my daughter when I asked them what kind of wedding they wanted…they were so far off it was incredible, which told me they had really never talked about it.
He wanted a huge ballroom wedding with 250+ people, and she wanted small and simple, barefoot in the sand…no more than 75 people. Once we started looking around and he realized the expense involved (and who was going to pay for it all), they rethought the entire thing. They compromised and had 120 people…but in a Ballroom.
I think you might want to sit down with your Fiance and make some lists of the things you like and don’t and work from there. Communication and compromise is in order for both of you, and I wish you luck in sorting it out.