Am I being unreasonable – in-laws?

posted 11 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee

soexcited123 :  I wouldn’t really consider Mother-In-Law a house guest either she is close family. Since she is there so often I don’t think you need to be expected to entertain her. 

Good point. Lots of people also make plans with friends on the weekends. If they are there every weekend, does she expect you to start staying home and never going out to visit anyone?

Post # 32
Member
6041 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

splishsplash :  OP, you aren’t being lazy and if you just start practicing a different way of being, you can shift your own expectations AND those of your Mother-In-Law. You NEED to take care of yourself right now. This is not negotiable or up for dispute. Especially right now when you are growing an entirely new person.

I was raised in a family where you’re expected to be a gracious and welcoming hostess, clean home, offering food, conversation blah blah blah. My Mother-In-Law really models how to practice self care when she gets full, overwhelmed or exhausted during gatherings. She will simply retire to her room. One moment she’s there, the next, she isn’t. The gatherings continue and she returns when she’s ready or she doesn’t.

I cannot imagine that if you were to tell your in laws that, after a 70 hour workweek with commutes and baby growing (if they know you’re pregnant) that you may need to step away for some downtime, that they would have a problem with it. Pull out food and drinks (or let your Mother-In-Law know where everything is) and spend a little bit of time and then excuse yourself after a short while. And go take care of yourself 

Also, I don’t care who she is, you are NOT EVER obligated to listen to ANYONE complain for 7 hours. About ANYTHING. Fuck alla that noise. Your Mother-In-Law basically came to your house to suck your energy. Not okay. I would have “gone to the bathroom” and “fallen in”.

If she had walked in the door and said “I want you to feed me the energy you would have used to grow your baby today.” Would you have said yes? I’m guessing not.

Don’t let her do that anymore. Take care of yourself.

Post # 33
Member
636 posts
Busy bee

I agree with TwilightRarity  100%.

Listening to someone complain for 7 hours and suck you dry is not something you are ever obligated to put up. Under any circumstances. To me anyway, it seems obvious that that is the reason your Mother-In-Law is coming over, because she gets free therapy and attention and someone to make it all about her, despite what some of the bees say about her wanting to spend time with her husband and son. This is a very unself-aware woman, to come into someone else’s house, a woman who is pregnant and works all week no less, and talk about herself all day long. And unself-aware is the nicest way I can put this.

The very fact that the OP wants to get contractors in which will cost them a lot more money says that this situation is seriously draining to her. Sometimes other people’s kindness comes with hidden costs that are just not worth it. For me, just so I can have my weekends and evenings back to myself, I would gladly pay the money for the contractors.

OP, you must take care of yourself or you will drain yourself dry. You must insist that things change with your husband. If your husband and your father-in-law get so much enjoyment out of working on the house, then they also need to respect your need to have the house quiet some of the time. Work out times with your husband and get your husband and father-in-law to stick to them. If they can’t do that, then I would say it’s time to get in a contractor.

Post # 34
Member
762 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I would hate to have to babysit an MiL every weekend.

my friends husband and FiL spend every weekend renovating their house. But they don’t bring MiL along to be babysat. 

Take back your weekends and don’t feel guilty about it. Preempt it and make it clear before the weekend hits that you have plans and won’t have time for MiL (ok, in a more sensitive way..)

Post # 35
Member
1639 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

hi bee, I disagree with everyone who said you ‘need to get over yourself’ or ‘youre being too sensitive’ or that you’re ungrateful. You’re not ungrateful. You’re pregnant and f*cking tired and you’re having the life sucked out of you by Mother-In-Law every f*cking weekend. f*ck that Bee. 

One) you wanted contractors and husband disagrees. 

Two) Mother-In-Law is depressive and sounnds extremely needy. 

three) you work 60+ hours a week and are pregnant? Hells to the nosss.

I would be putting both feets on the ground and talking to husband. If they dont want to hire contractor, fine but you dont want to babysit Mother-In-Law all day either. The convo goes like this, ‘I want to wake up when i want, lounge around MY house and eat toast without having to babysit Mother-In-Law, how can we get to that situation? As your pregnant wife, this is what i need’. But obviously edit it and make it sound nicer 🙂

But basically, those are your needs, and now you two need to work together to get to where you want to be. Because right now, i would be really unhappy and mad too i 100% feel you. 

Post # 36
Member
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2018 - City, State

Well I must be a huge bitch coz I’d be shitty with anyone coming over hours earlier than expected… family friends I dont care, let alone be tired, dealing with early pregnancy etc. 

Of course you are grateful for the help..Not sure why Mother-In-Law must come for the entire duration though and just sit around. 

I realise you feel rude to not entertain, but maybe try shaving a chat and coffee with her then asking if she minds if you getting some chores done. She won’t say yes. Go and do a few. do this each week until she the gets used to it, or cuts back on visiting.

Put it this way in a few weeks you can announce your pregnancy and ask her to help out with chores when she visits 😂 

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