Post # 1
I have a moral dilemma which is really stressing me out, I would appreciate some perspective and opinions on how others would handle this. I am currently 5 months pregnant with my first child and live with my husband. My parents live 1.5 hours flight away. I would like to give birth with just my husband present and then take baby home and be at least a week without visitors. My parents would like to get the go ahead now to book flights to come and stay with us for very close to my EDD.
They are very overwhelming and having them around would make things a lot more difficult for me, it would not be the peaceful experience I would like for just a few dyas with my husband and baby alone while I figure things out. I would like for them to wait til baby is born and then they can book flights, I do not want to be worried that baby will come early/late and they will be here immediately. I understand I need to share this happiness with the new grandparents but I just don’t know if I can emotionally handle them straight away. I had a great childhood but a very strained adulthood relationship with my parents.
Am I being unreasonable by asking them to wait and give us some space first? They’re getting very offended telling me they should be there, it’s their role as parents to me etc. No one else will be coming to visit then either. I don’t want to hurt feelings but I also don’t want to feel suffocated and ‘have guests staying with us’ immediately.
How would you approach this?
Post # 2
Nope. It’s reasonable and it’s your/your husband’s choice.
I somewhat understand that they’d like to book flights early though because waiting later could most likely be more expensive. It could also potentially be cheaper if they grab leftover last minute flight seats but if they have jobs and need notice for time off then that’s difficult as well. Last minute traveling would stress me out in general though. Maybe they can book a couple weeks from the due date if that’s the case?
In any case, do what is best for you and give them notice. Then just leave it at that. That’s about all you can do. You also aren’t obligated to host them and you can request they get a hotel.
I, personally, don’t want visitors for a week when/if we have a child but luckily we don’t have to worry about people traveling. So I understand where you’re coming from but I also understand how traveling issues can come into consideration for them.
Post # 3
Absolutely not unreasonable. Your needs, and the needs of your newborn, need to come first now. This is the time to put your foot down. Its a really overwhelming, stressful, wonderful, exhausting time and just the physical recovery alone can be so difficult. Plus you are bonding with baby and you may be establishing your milk supply (if you’re breastfeeding). I like soymilk’s suggestion of them booking flights two weeks out from your due date. That way, if baby is late you still have time alone with your newborn as stress free as possible.
Post # 4
I would ask them to go ahead and book their flights, for 3 weeks after your due date. That way, if the baby comes 1 or 2 weeks late, you still get a week alone with baby before they arrive. If the baby comes early, you will just have to be OK with having extra time.
The only potential downfall is whether it would have actually been helpful for you to have them with you. For example, my mom can be a bit stressful, but my sister was super-surprised that it was so great to have her nearby when my nephew was born. My sister had a tear (ouch!), and so it was painful for her to be on her feet, and she was exhausted. My mom ended up cooking lots of healthy food, and being really helpful!
Will your husband be able to take time off work to help you around the house for the first couple weeks? If not, you really might want your parents to be there!
Also, can you look into alternate lodging for your parents, if you don’t want them staying with you? Could they afford a hotel? Or perhaps they could arrange a couple different 1-week stays through a free site like Couchsurfers?
Post # 5
littleeskimo : my biggest concern too! Although my parents live about 20 minutes away, my mom was at my brothers house everyday for 2 weeks when my neicece was born. Nope!
If I were you, I would be firm with your parents and your reasoning without backing down. It’s your baby and your timeline, and they don’t get yo disrespect that because they are your parents.
Post # 6
you are absolutely not being unreasenable. Do what you feel most comfortable with. And yes the flight prices can change, but this is only a 1 1/2 hour flight distance. The prices usually don’t get that expensive on those distances and worst case they can even use other transport than flying.
Post # 7
Your body, your pregnancy, your baby… your choice.
No you are not being unreasonable. Especially since the rule is across the board, not just for your parents.
Suggest as a compromise that they can come early… but not stay with you. I think it’s fine for them to want to see you and the baby soon after the birth (by “soon” I mean 12-24 hours after delivery, not 5 minutes after), and visit in short doses. But it’s not fine for them to stay with you, and to be honest you’re generous even letting them stay with you after a week.
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom
I am 19 weeks pregnant with baby #1. I too very much don’t want visitors either when my baby is born! I will be exhausted, sore, likely unshowered…this is NOT condusive to entertaining people!
Yes, your parents will be butthurt….but it IS your right as a Mama to decide when and who you want around your child at any given time!
Post # 9
you have to do what i right for you. i was very adamant about no visitors, but i was happy my mom was there. after DS was born, i told Darling Husband he could call my mom to come and he said she had already been at the hospital waiting. i was glad i didn’t know.
DS had to go to NICU, so while Darling Husband went with DS, my mom was a nice distraction until i was able to see my baby.
we were in the NICU for a week and Darling Husband went back to work after a week, so I was happy to have my mom’s help.
Post # 10
You are not being unreasonable at all. When you get home you’re going to be uncomfortable, bleeding, if you’re breastfeeding your boobs will probably be out ALL the time. I don’t think anyone visited us for more than an hour the first 2 months!
If you have a strained relationship with them already I would insist they get a hotel as well.
Post # 11
I would definitely use the reasoning that you can’t be certain of your due date as its your first baby, and ask them to book 3 weeks after your due date as PP suggested, or have them wait to book their flights. If anyone had visited me for one whole week after my due date, they wouldn’t have even seen my baby lol!
Post # 12
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
Their role as parents to you? Hell no, you’re not being unreasonable. That to me smacks of you’re still a child, not someone about to become a parent herself. Your baby, your body, your choice.
Post # 13
We did the same thing (but in labor I actually wished my Mother-In-Law was there, but any who). Tell them you want time for baby’s immune system to be up and running before visitors; plane rides have a lot of ick to them
Post # 14
I would instantly be a week or two earlier in my pregnancy than I initially thought – bumping my due date back a week or two. Then I would let them book their flight based on the new due date. It isn’t your fault if your baby arrived “early”.
Post # 15
littleeskimo : There is no need to share anything about your birth/baby experience with other than the person who helped make the baby (and that is only if they are still in the picture). Tell your parents to book at least three weeks after the baby’s due date if they want to now (most doctors will not let you go further than 42 weeks, and most start scheduling inductions to start at week 41.) You would still get your wishes that way, and can get more of your groove on if baby came earlier than expected.
My husband and I are letting only family (my parents, his parents, our siblings and their SOs) visit after the baby is born in the hospital, but no at home visitors for 2 weeks. All siblings/parents live close enough where they can go home after.