Post # 31
Thank you all for your replies, I definitely feel more comfortable about sticking to our decision now. I too think a week is not long to ask, after that I can toughen up and deal with the visiting (which I won’t love but I know is important to other people’s feelings).
I don’t think i could ask them to stay else where but definitely asking them to come later is a great idea, I’ll give them a window a few weeks after my EDD. What does it matter if they see baby when it’s two weeks old or a month old?
I wish I had a better relationship with my mum and wanted her help but it’s not something I am really thinking of. I feel like their visit will be just about trying to teach me things, commenting about everything and cooing over baby. This would all be fine in a normal relationship but I don’t have that, I actually dreading this visit. 🙁 it’ll be all about making things perfect for them and their feelings and there will be no privacy or choice for me and baby and my husband, it’s so sad and really upsets me already. I don’t like how they think it’s their ‘right’ – that attitude really annoys me.
In response to putting myself in their shoes, I think this is a great idea. And I can’t imagine trying to guilt trip my children into something that they clearly are not comfortable with. I hope I will never be like that. It’s funny but my grandma understands our perspective, it’s just my mum being so overbearing. There will be so much time for visiting, I don’t understand what the rush is…
Post # 32
“We will be accepting visitors after X date.” And then they can book as needed. My brother and sister in law sent a mass email to all the family members, with a calendar. They filled in the dates they wanted/would work, and that schedule was set. New parents had 2 weeks after baby with just them. She had rough pregnancies though, so needed the time to recoup. They went about 2 months out for the calendar, after that there wasn’t much of a problem with multiple visits.
Also, there were four sets of parents, so for them it was the only way to get it all settled.
Post # 33
Not pregnant yet, but have had this discussion with Darling Husband. Both of our parents are about a 3 hour drive away. Darling Husband has said he wants a week or two so we can establish a routine and figure it out. I think it’s pretty easy to say that before going through it. My sister lives about 8 hrs (driving) away from my mom. My mom would fly in and stay for 1-2 weeks when each of her kids were born. My sister and her husband LOVED having her there. She cooked, entertained the other kids, helped with feedings, diaper changes and taking care of my sister while recovering from her C-section (mom is also a nurse).
My main concerns with having parents staying with us are 1) figuring out breastfeeding with my Father-In-Law or step dad around, 2) feeling gross and uncomfortable, 3) them wanting to hold the baby all the time
What Darling Husband and I ultimately decided was that we just need to set up ground rules and be strict about them. 1) No prolonged 1-2 week visits, 2) let us “figure it out”, don’t tell us what we need to do unless we ask, 3) don’t expect to be entertained, 4) pick up after yourself, and 5) let us have some private time as a new family of 3
I really want them to be able to meet this baby as soon as possible and have those memories of when they were born… but it is going to be our home, our baby, my body… so we’re going to set rules that make us feel comfortable.
Post # 34
- Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess
I would really just not tell them when you go into labor. Seriously. Just. Don’t. Tell them. Once you have the baby, and you feel up to visitors, let them know the baby has arrived.
Post # 35
littleeskimo : oh boy do I feel your pain…… I am also 5 months pregnant and it has been a constant battle with my mother and my grandmother.
My grandmother is coming from Spain and she wanted to come 2 weeks before my due date, and stay for a month after. Because f me and what I want right???? On top of it all, she HAS to stay with me because my mom works and supposedly had no vacation time left to take any time off. When I told them I do not want anyone staying with me till after the baby was born, it was World War III. The fact that I’m working till my water breaks and want to spend my last moments with my husband alone awarded me words like selfish and inconsiderate.
When I told my mother that my Mother-In-Law was going to stay with us to help me for a week, that turned into another battle because now all of a sudden she can take a week off too! (What a coincidence!) and she thinks she has a bigger right to stay with us than my Mother-In-Law. So how is it that all of a sudden I have 3 women staying in my house after I give birth?????
I am super private and I’m already having anxiety over this. I originally wanted my mom to be in the delivery room with us but after all the grief and name calling, I don’t even think I want that. All the jealousy she has towards my Mother-In-Law and the fact that I have no say in my life and my baby because my grandma is in her early 70s, perfectly healthy and traveling to the US so what she says goes is stressing me to death.
What im trying to say here is………. you do you. This is your baby and you need to be comfortable. If you’re not comfortable, it will reflect straight to your baby and it is going to make for a miserable first few weeks.
Post # 36
TXbride2015 : I really like your idea about setting up ground rules, I will do that now and let them know. I too have similar worries to you, the first few weeks will be exhausting and I am sure I’ll be crying and getting things wrong and figuring it all out and I don’t want them to see me like that and make their comments/judgements. I know my mum will think I am abnormal for wanting to breastfeed privately and she will probably make this known several times. I just can’t deal with that straight away.
MrsPiggles : Oh gosh your situation sounds so tricky. I am not sure why people think they are entitled to be there immediately, how can they think that is what you want and what will be good for you.
ceebee05 : I am going to make a calendar too, it seems crazy but I guess it’s needed for everyone’s peace of mind. Thank yo for the idea!
And yes absolutely I won’t be telling them when I am in labour, or telling anyone. It would just cause more questions and expectations.
Post # 37
I just had my first baby 3 weeks ago and can now say from experience that you are absolutely not being unreasonable. It’s so full on adjusting to having a newborn and I know I found visitors really difficult. Just make sure you look after yourself (sleep, shower, eat) whenever you can and don’t try and please your parents, it will be too exhausting and emotionally draining. Hopefully your husband can be a good go-between and politely ask your parents if they could go out for those times when you just need to have a cry or need some space.
Post # 38
Not unreasonable at all. I had my first visit after birth at 6 weeks and it was still way too early. People who just want to play with the baby, without being helpful should rather come when the baby is about 3-4 months old. That’s when they start to smile and communicate a bit.
Post # 39
littleeskimo : the best part of the ground rules… make your husband the enforcer. Have him cut off unwanted comments, have him pull someone aside and point out what they’re doing. You’re going to be emotional so it’s not something you should have to do.
For what it’s worth I’ve been told you lose all humility after going through labor but I still doubt I’ll openly breastfeed. Just go in my room and it’ll be nice to have that private time away from the visitors as well. As for her comments on that… make those specifically off limits per the rules
I think you can set it up with terms both of you can agree to.
Post # 40
It is totally your choice, but I do understand where they are coming from. I’m sure they are just excited and want to meet the new grandchild and be helpful. I think I’d let them come, but not stay with you. Personally though, when I have my first, I’d want my mom there for support and help. I’m sure she’ll be a great help. However, I have a pretty close/good relationship with my mom, and I understand that is not your situation.
Post # 41
You’re not being unreasonable. I’m american, but living in Germany and gave birth in January last year. My EDD was February 4th and my parents wanted to book a flight ahead of time to meet their first grandbaby. What I told them was, if they want to book a flight now, they can, but for 3 weeks after my EDD– assuming that if I were to be induced at 42 weeks, and then need to stay in the hospital for a few days and I wanted to get home for a few days before they came. So 3 weeks after my EDD was the earliest time they could book. I urged them to wait until the baby is there and then book– and they did, and it was fine. I thought I would want to be home for a while before getting visitors, but a newborn is kind of boring. We got home from the hospital 36 hours after my daughter was born and I slept a bit and we were ready to see some friends. My parents ended up coming 5 days after she was born along with my in laws (who live in Germany), and it was a nice visit and very nice that I had had a few days to get used to being a mom and nursing, etc. before my family showed. So, long story short, I totally get it. Do what’s best for you!
Post # 42
I empathise with them, they want to be involved. It’s quite sweet. However, lots of full term mums and new mums just want to be alone with their partner and their newborn. On the flip, I definitely know new mothers who have wanted visitors early on just because they needed a helping hand and to see a friendly face. My poor friend recently had quite a complicated birth and was unwell afterwards, so she was so happy when a couple of us girls and her mum rallied round early on. That said, we didn’t impose, and we certainly didn’t stay! Anyway, I do think it’s best for them to wait until the baby is born before booking their flights. I don’t think it’s fair to do what someone else said and have them book them for 3 weeks after the due date. What if baby is 3 weeks early?
Post # 43
Nope. I have made it clear to my SO that when the day comes, I do not want visitors in the hospital. I know myself well enough to know I will want my space.
He doesn’t really like this idea since his family is very close and they are the kind to all be there the moment the water breaks. I have decided I will make it clear to hospital staff that I am to have no visitors if I can.
It is my body. I feel that a woman just spent months growing a human, pushing that humans out and needs time to recover and bond. Not have a million people in and out.
Post # 44
I don’t think it’s unreasonable per say and if you do not feel that you can compromise, than you should absolutely do what’s best for you. If you think you CAN compromise, I’d give a little. For example, maybe tell them it’s fine for them to come but that they must stay in a hotel. And when baby comes, I would set clear “visiting hours” with them. If they chose to come early and baby isn’t here by the end of their trip, that’s on them. So basically, it’s a “come at your own risk” type thing, and they will just have to understand that this time is about you and baby and what YOU are comfortable with. A baby is such a special thing and is so joyous for the entire family, it’s something that will really bring a family together and I understand why they would want to be there. And you may be surprised, you may actually really appreciate having your mother there. Again, only do what feels right to you – but if you can compromise, I would encourage you too.
Post # 45
My baby was a week late and I was in the hospital 4 days. definitely, tell them to wait!! Some drs let you go 2 weeks past your due date… if they book early, you might not even be home yet, and you definitely want at least a night or two just the two of you at home to figure things out.