(Closed) Am I Being Unreasonable with A Cheater?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I would go to the party and see the “friendship” for yourself – it may reinforce your gut feelings or reassure you that nothing is going on.

On top of that , you obviously have some unresolved issues that you should really sit down and discuss with your fiance

Post # 4
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@katy_m:

1. He messed around on you, even if he didn’t go “all the way.” What you’re feeling is perfectly normal when you’ve experience that kind of breaach of trust.

2.

Now she wants him at her birthday party tonight, and he plans on attending. I think he is fine with me coming, but that’s ridiculous. This woman isn’t my friend, and I’m just going to look like the clingy G/F…

Don’t be silly. He’s your fiance. It’s totally normal to attend parties as a couple, even if one of you doesn’t know, or isn’t particularly close to, the host. How else do people in relationships meet each other’s friends?

He doesn’t mind you going, so he’s not looking for an excuse to step out on you. You’re in a vulnerable place, trust-wise, and suspicious of everyone, which is why you’re overthinking this and feeling weird. Just go to a party and have a good time. Stop worrying about this woman because they had a thing that was over before he met you.

Your fiance has a lot of work to do regaining your trust, but you can’t punish him by making him cut off all contact with his female friends. If you do that, it will become a control thing, “You hurt me so you have to do this thing I say!” and the infidelity is the trump card in any argument, the one he has no answer for. That kind of behavior will destroy the relationship as much as the cheating.

Post # 5
Member
4336 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I would NOT tolerate that. I would say to Fiance, “listen, you think I’m being clingy/paranoid? well guess what, you messed up once, so you get to WORK and PROVE that you are trustworthy.” I would hold him to high standards, as in, “don’t even make me SUSPECT you. and that means that you should never even be alone with a woman, even eating lunch with a coworker. If you love me and don’t want to lose me, that’s what you will do.” 

I’m not saying every man should be expected to not be alone with a woman, but I think that since he has obviously slipped up before, not admitted it to you, (lied to you?) then you have every reason to be paranoid and not feel guilty.

ETA: but this is just me. I would break up with someone at any point before I was married if they cheated on me! (If they can’t be with just me before we’re married, then why would it change after?) But to each her own. I am just saying what *I* would do, not what anyone else has to do.

Post # 6
Member
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

If this were me, I would sit my fiance down and point blank say, “it may seem strange to you, but I just do not like this woman. She has relationships with married men, and that makes me feel slimy about her. Sorry, but I just do. I don’t trust her, and you and I are still working on our past. Respect me, and distance yourself from her immediately.”

I would probably go to her birthday party, and there, you can be someone who is so much more interesting and hilarious than she is- if you outshine her, then you can put her in her place.

Screw people who don’t respect marriages/serious relationships. So slimy. Gross. If my fiance ever thought it would be okay to befriend someone like that, I would have a problem with it. Yuck.

Post # 8
Member
7295 posts
Busy Beekeeper

i would go to the party to check this woman out whether or not my fiance had a history of cheating!  and don’t go with the attitude that you are a clingy gf, go with the attitude that it is your right to be your FIs date and you are simply there to have fun.  if you don’t want to look clingy, don’t act it. but that does not mean you have to sit at home and worry and let things fester and grow in your mind.

Post # 9
Member
1614 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

LEAVE HIM!!! RUN RUN RUN!!! If I was uncomfortable with something like this, and my bf still insisted on going, that would be the end of that…Its not right for him to put you through this, and its never going to stop…eventually, it’ll be someone else…I would have left after the first kiss…but thats just me…

Post # 10
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Have you ever really just sat down and discussed your feelings with him about this?  I just can’t imagine hanging out with some chick that my Fiance slept with in the past, it would seem akward to me (this situation especially).

But do remember, he did chose you… appearently there wasn’t enough for them to get past sleeping together once.

Post # 11
Member
88 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Her feelings would be hurt if he does not show up? Please. Guess whose feelings are being ignored? YOURS! The expiration date of their “friendship” passed long ago, since the day he started dating you, if you ask me. I mean, seriously? why would you trust him? Be smart, and put your foot down, hon.

Post # 12
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Dolldancer8 —Agreed

Post # 13
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

If you don’t trust him, you probably shouldn’t be marrying him. Trust is kind of important in a relationship.

Post # 15
Member
7295 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@katy_m:  Yikes, i would not want to spend my life with someone i only trust 95% of the time!

Post # 16
Member
7291 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Time to take a break. The cheating incident is still very fresh and being engaged is promising something HUGE and he couldn’t even maintain it – how is it going to be for the future, till death do you part?

There are going to be a hundred other woman like this in his life. Temptation is everywhere. He needs to know what he wants in life,  and you need to better accept what you deserve!

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