Am I Caring Too Much About the Wedding?

posted 8 months ago in Engagement
Post # 35
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee

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@beachesandyarns:  of course he is uncomfortable around people he has only met once. But that is irrelevant. Just suggesting to cutting out your family is terrible. Even though you refuse to entertain that idea, just the thought popping  in his head is bad and saying it out loud is even worse!

Post # 39
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee

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@beachesandyarns:  It seems like the communication between you isn’t good at all. And it seems like you’re just now learning a lot about each other and how he thinks about your family AND money.  I don’t think marriage is a good decision right now.  

Post # 40
Member
13640 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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@beachesandyarns:  I’m not sure you understood my point. By asking if he was serious about excluding your family I was asking if he was speaking literally. For example he thinks your plans are excessive, gets upset and says “Well then maybe we can just cut costs by not inviting your family.” Sarcasm.

In another words you had a fight and he threw that out in anger. By that way, that’s a red flag  too, but in a different way. Again, how long have you dated and lived together? I think it would be smart to take a big step back, for many reasons. 

Unfortunately, once you invite others it’s no longer only about you. Unless your guests volunteered it is in bad taste and inappropriate to ask them to contribute food or do work connected to the wedding. It doesn’t matter that they agreed. 

Post # 43
Member
371 posts
Helper bee

Would he feel better if he and your parents met up some more on between then? I think you should really try and communicate with him on why he said that and what a good solution would be for you BOTH. Also, if I were you I’d be setting some boundaries with his family if they feel they can take over with you footing the bill. 

I’m curious how y’all’s communication and relationship is outside of wedding planning, because to me this behavior of his probably is there in other aspects as well…and if it does you need to stand up for yourself better imo. 

Post # 44
Member
2372 posts
Buzzing bee

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@beachesandyarns:  Based on your replies, this is what I think is happening. 

– you started dating when you were 26 and he’s almost 10 years older
– you probably lacked much experience in dating or healthy self-esteem
– he’s kind of an ahole and women his age aren’t putting up with it
– he’s dating someone he perceives as more naive so he can control her and the relationship
– you weren’t really aware of what he’s been doing until now

The things he’s saying and the way he is behaving is probably not a one-off. I’m appalled that you have had a relationship with this person. My advice is to call the wedding off and find a good therapist. If you marry this guy all you’ll be getting is years of hurt and heartache until you finally divorce, because he is not a good partner. 

 

Post # 45
Member
13640 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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@beachesandyarns:  That’s totally disgusting then and equally disgusting that his mother actually agreed with it. If that’s really what happened and how, I don’t see what else you need to know. It’s hard to believe you’ve been together for three years, or is it a total of five, and have never seen evidence of this side of him before now. 

When you comment on a public forum people will share their opinions. You can do as you please but again, once you invite guests that doesn’t mean you should. I agree with you and hope this is all beside the point when you call it all off. 

I agree with PP and think you’d benefit from counseling. Between the poor communication on both ends and what you have been willing to put up with until now it’s important to process what’s happened, not only for your own mental health but to learn to express and value yourself, set reasonable expectations and boundaries and learn to spot red flags. 

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