- troubled father
- 7 years ago
Our daughter is getting married in December of this year and at this point communications seems to be shut off to my wife and I. So here is my story (Please note that this is my interpretation and may be biased, so feel free to tell me if I’m wrong) Last year my daughter announced here engagement to a man both her mother and I thought was a nice man. When they announced the wedding to us, they had decided to have a destination wedding in the southern Caribbean. The idea was vacation and wedding in one. Admittedly, we were not excited about the idea and offered input on other locations. While they said they wanted input, they had decided that this what they wanted and we agreed. We even purchased the airline tickets for both of them. There idea was that all wedding party would stay at the same resort for the week and we reserved rooms. 1st change, while our family is staying at the resort, most of the wedding party is staying at other locations. OK I can live with this. Number 2, the Wedding is quite close to the holiday and again the plan was to spend the holiday together. We booked our flights accordingly, then found out that his parents were not staying for the holiday and they were on their honeymoon and it would be a problem to get together with us on the holiday (which I told them upfront before making reservations). So I changed the reservations and paid dearly to the airlines to do so.
Because the families live in two different states, two receptions are planned. The reception in the other state is being planned by his parents and the bride and groom have said they don’t want to be involved with the planning. The one here is being planned around his parent schedule to attend. Again we were asked for input and when we suggested a site closer to my daughter’s extended family and family friends (about 60 miles south of where they live). Do to the destination wedding, only my wife and I, her grandparents and her brother will be attending. This reception by our home was squashed because the location south would not be convenient for their friends and they fear that unless it by their home their friends will not show up. Also, because of the in-laws schedule they want to wait six to seven months to have the reception. So we stated that we could have two receptions, one for their friends and one for family. This was also dismissed.
When they got engaged, the groom asked my son to stand up for him. Two weeks ago, one of their friends decided to go to the wedding and they decided my son should not be included in the wedding. I asked the groom to be a man and tell my son, however, he told me it was my daughter’s decision and so she had to call him.
The Groom (our interpretation)
When we met the groom we found him to be a nice person and our daughter was enamored with him so we accepted him. Many of our friends expressed concern about the relationship and told us he was very controlling. We dismissed many of these comments and tried to include him into our family. Since the announcement of the wedding, unless we accept every idea that is presented, the discussions degrade to yelling. When we can have one to one with our daughter everything is fine, when he is around she is a different person. On two occasions, the groom has sent very hateful letters to us stating that we should simply pony up cash and accept everything they want. We are being portrayed as dis-functional, endlessly negative, an obstacle to get over and argumentative (his words in writing). Also, for some reason, now there will be three families, theirs, his and ours? WOW.
As it stands today, my wife would prefer not to go, I’m on the fence and her brother does not care. As a father I dreamed of walking my daughter down the aisle and giver her away to a wonderful man. I don’t feel that dream is possible. The last time I spoke with the groom he spent 45 minutes yelling at me. I have never raised my voice to my father or father-in-law in my life and I ended the call abruptly.
I have consulted many other parents and some say just write a check and back off. Others say write them off and move on with my life. I have always been close to my daughter and now we don’t even talk. When my wife and I married many years ago, we also had a destination wedding with only six participants. We made a point of visiting both families to attend receptions and left the planning to the parents. I guess times have changed.
So after all that, I’m asking, what to do? Shut up, pay and allow this to go on? Move on miss my daughter’s wedding.