(Closed) Am I crazy?

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I don’t know about you, but the second someone starts acting ungrateful and especially yelling at me, I withdraw my financial support and tell them good luck.

I would have loved a Carribean dream wedding, but I couldn’t afford it on my own so I didn’t have one. I also wouldn’t marry a man who yells at the family who raised, took care of, and supported me.

I’m sorry this is happening to you. Long story short, no I would not be writing any checks nor would I support their entitled behavior.

Post # 4
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

Your daughter is disrespecting you and your family and allowing her husband to disrespect you guys, as well.  I wouldn’t pay a cent more towards these evemts that are clearly caterted to the groom and his family.

Post # 5
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

I do think you should voice your concerns to your daughter about her finace’s behaviour.  I would NEVER have married my husband if he had acted this way towards my parents.  But, if you voice your concerns and she still chooses to marry this man, then you have to be OK with it.  She’s an adult and she has to make her own decisions about her love life.  That being said, YOU don’t have to pay for it.  I think it’s perfectly acceptable for you to withdraw any and all financial support.  I am a big believer that if you are paying for the wedding you get A LOT of say.  My parents paid for my wedding and while we did ask them to compromise on some things we were always respectful and greatful for their assitance.

Post # 6
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Wow! First let me express that I am sorry you are going through this. It must be heart wrenching.

I would get your daughter alone (I would pick one parent to do this, both parents may come across as ganging up on her) and instead of talking about the wedding, talk about the relationship, how he treats her, what abuse looks like (not just physical, but emotional, mental and sexual). Make sure she understands why you are concerned (it isn’t normal to resort to yelling–that is a bullies tactic), but regardless of her decision, you will always love her and be there for her.

If it turns out, and I truely hope it does, that everything is fine between your daughter and her fiance; try taking them out of the equation and work directly with his parents. Invite them over for dinner, get to know them on a personal level and then talk wedding. Weddings are so stressful and emotional, planning them seems to bring out the very worst in people, so tread lightly–these will be your daughter’s in laws and you don’t want them treating her poorly because of a perceived slight by her family.

Finally, if compromise is completely off the table, your family still needs to attend the wedding. The only reason to not attend would be if your family has no intention of being a part of her life after the wedding.

Best of luck!

Post # 7
Member
5761 posts
Bee Keeper

Sorry, but it seems as if you may not get your dream of walking your daughter down the aisle under these circumstances. If you withdraw any financial support, will there even BE a wedding? I wouldn’t be writing any checks to or for this couple~

Post # 8
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think that you need to have an open-conversation with your daughter to explain that you feel disrespected.

I don’t think you should just fork money out at all. It seems that he is controlling & I hope she sees that too before she walks down the aisle. I think you would regret not going, however. It might not be an ideal situation, but I wouldn’t be able to forgive my father for not coming….but if she doesn’t seem to want you there, then it changes things.

Post # 9
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I would have a conversation with your daughter alone. I would discuss your concerns with her, without him there and see what her response is.

I’m sorry this is happening to you it sounds awful.

Post # 10
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If I ever treated my father the way your daughter is treating you, I wouldn’t be given a dime. If my fiance ever treated my father the way hers has treated you…god… I cringe at the thought. It wouldn’t be pretty.  It bothers me that your daughter is not absolutely mortified that her fiance is raising his voice to you – that is completely out of line and it makes me worried about what she might be putting up with in the relationship in general. 

Can you, her mother (and her brother if they are close) take her aside without the fiance and be honest with her about your hurt feelings?  Im very close with my dad, but we’ve had some screaming matches – so I can tell you from those experiences, knowing I’ve hurt his feelings hits me MUCH harder than knowing I’ve pissed him off.  I’d avoid your concerns about the relationship at first – she will probably get defensive and shut down. Start with how you’re feeling and ask her to consider how devastating it would be to not have her parents at her wedding. 

Best of luck…  

Post # 11
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

If he is being disrespectful to your family, I would pull your financial support. You are under no obligation to pay for this wedding (or at-home-reception). I would also have a talk with your daughter (away from her fiancee) about his behavior. 

My husband and I had a destination wedding in Mexico, we were set on this idea from the beginning. However, we paid for the entire wedding ourselves, and we paid for our parents’ trips down there). If we were not in a position to pay for the wedding we wanted ourselves and our parents were not sold on the idea of a destination wedding, we wouldn’t have done it. 

Post # 12
Member
698 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I’m sorry this is happening to you and your family….HUGS!

Here’s my imput.  I was once in a relationship with what seemed a “nice man.”  He was very charming and handsome and i guess, swept me off my feet.  My parents never cared for him right from the start, especially my father.  This obviously pissed me off and created a rift between us.  I moved in with this guy, and that’s when the trouble really began.  He never wanted to visit my parents or family.  So no dinners or outings happened without an argument.  He didn’t like my firnds so i never saw them or went to visit them.  He drank a bit when we met, but that increased once I lived with him.  He would drink bottles of vodka and insane amounts of beer each day/night and i began to think this was normal.  He was very controlling of me and i could not leave the house without explaining in detail where I was going and why.  He would constantly call/text me to see where I was, even if i was at work.  He would time me from leaving work till i got home and question if it was off.  He would tell me I was stupid like my mother and that my father was an a**.  Eventually he began to hit me and I had no one to turn to so I told no one.  I turned my fear and disappointment with myself to anger towards my parents and friends.  This went on for about 4 years until we finally broke up for good. 

My point is this:  Your daughter loves you, but she love this man also.  She doesn’t understand that the man whom should be her husband and the love of her life should not be acting this way.  He sounds very much like the man I dated, and that is scary. 

All i can suggest is to continue to be there for her and support the upcoming marriage.  You do not want to miss your daughter’s wedding.  That will break your heart and hers in the long run.  I wouls continue to try to contact her as much as possible, and try to keep “dad” conversation to a minimun.  Dads and daughters disagree in different ways than moms and daughters…it can get messy.  I used to fight with my dad often, especially when I was younger and UNHAPPY.  BUT, i didn’t really know i was unhappy…sounds confusing!  In other words, I had to figure out that what i was doing was wrong, and I needed my parents to stay neutral and support my decisions as an adult.  Argueing over things just made me even more angry and unwilling to see them or speak to them.

I hope that helps.  Don;t miss the wedding. Every girl wants their daddy to walk them down the aisle.  🙂

 

Post # 13
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee

WOW! I would be so disgusted if ANYONE talked like that and disrespected my parents! You are not a money tree, you aren’t required to pay for anything. If they want to have a Destination Wedding then they can pay for it. If he is disrespecting you like that, I can only imagine what he says to her. I’m really sorry for what you have to deal with. You need to talk with your daughter without her Fiance. Let her know you are here for her but being selfish and disrespectful is not going to get them what they want. Not to mention that you have written proof of his disrespect…i’m so mad for you! You don’t treat your parents like that!

Post # 14
Member
1489 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Im am so sorry to hear that this has happened to you. I had a situation somewhat like yours with my sister and her then boyfriend where she clinged to him and wrote us off while she was with him and I just decided to fall back because I knew that no matter what I would always be there for her and she eventually left him because she saw for herself how he was.

I would say be there for your daughter but at a distance. Have a private conversation with her and see where she is with all thats going on and take it from there….. HUGS

 

Post # 15
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

So many issues here, where to start?  First off, I would NOT have let the groom yell at me for 45 minutes if I were you.  He has no right to do that regardless of the financial situation.  

I do understand that there are two sides to every story but from reading yours it seems like her soon to be husband wants you to pay up and go away, which would NOT fly with me.

I think the groom has to tell his groomsman whether or not their in the wedding.  As a bride, I don’t take that responsibility in our wedding planning.

Controlling behavior is a red flag in a relationship and if other people are picking up on it, it might be something to be concerned about.

Times have not changed and you deserve to be included and respected in this process, whether or not you are paying and especially in this case because you are.

I hope things work out and you do get to attend.  Missing your daughter’s wedding would be something you might greatly regret.  You are being a very caring father coming on here and asking us this, my dad would have simply cut us off by now.

Post # 16
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

What a horrible situation! I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this.

I agree with many others here that, given the circumstances, I would withdraw my financial support from the wedding unless something drastic changes, but meet with my daughter to solidify my emotional support and unconditional love of her. I can’t stress how important this is. You may even want to do an “intervention” of sorts. You should tell her about her fiance’s behavior toward you (including details about the phone conversations that you’ve had), ask her if he has a short fuse with her as well, and let her know that you are concerned about his behavior and how that will portend for their marriage.

Remind her that you are there for her regardless of what happens, that the most important thing is that you want to be in her life. But also that there is no shame in taking more time to feel things out before they get married, if that’s what she needs. If this guy is abusive and controlling, your daughter will need your love and support now more than ever. If your daughter goes through with the wedding, I do really think that you should be there to walk her down the aisle. Doing so does not have to be a tacit acceptance of their union, but rather a symbole of your support for your daughter. 

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