Am I crazy for waiting around? 10 years, no ring

posted 2 months ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
449 posts
Helper bee

Wait three months then leave if you do not get a ring. 

Post # 3
Member
1294 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

jacksspade :  I would do the exact same thing.

OP, if he can’t get his act together after all this time then he has no plans to marry you. 

Post # 5
Member
47 posts
Newbee

I agree with what everyone else is saying, and I would also take issue with him buying stuff for his personal hobbies (unless fishing is his job in which case ignore me) to the point where he can’t afford rent. That’s not fair to you, and while stuff does come up, if one of us knew we weren’t going to be making our usual amount we’d account for that in the budget. You need to know your partner is considerate of the BOTH of you. And it can’t just be you putting in effort.

Post # 6
Member
2662 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Is it possible that one of the reasons the fishing equipment put him so far behind is because he had also recently purchased a ring? If so, perhaps his intention is to propose on your 10 year anniversary. 

I’d wait the three months, assume the best of my partner in the meantime, and see what happens. If the anniversary goes by and no proposal happens, you lay down the law – we get engaged NOW or I’m out.

Post # 7
Member
205 posts
Helper bee

“He was so broke after buying himself winter fishing equipment that he didn’t even have money to pay for his half of the rent this month”

I would be more upset about the rent than the ring. This is not fair to you. He should always have money for his share of the rent especially if he is paid well.

About the proposal part, every realtionship has a different rhythm. Some couples get married after a few months of their relationships. Others take for many years. So, I don’t think the bees here will be able to address that as no one really knows about your relationship. Some umarried couples are much happier than the married ones. You will need to do some soul searching and figure out what is best for you.

Post # 8
Member
1331 posts
Bumble bee

peachyk :  All you have to do at this point is find a relaxed time when you two are at home. Then say, hey i know we have talked about getting engaged previously and I wanted to check in.  We agreed on a year’s time by or on our 10th anniversary. That is coming up soon and I wanted to check in and see if we are still on the same page with it happening then. The tone of this conversation should be upbeat and brief. 

Here is the thing. You just said he spent a ton of money on winter fishing equipment right? I am assuming that wasn’t a NEED purchase for him but a want purchase he made. 

If he responds to your engagement timeline question by getting angry, or pushing the timeline back, or calling it off all together or ANYTHING along those lines, you need to understand that he had no problem spending a small fortune buying himself fishing gear and purposely decided to not spend that on an engagement ring. That right there tells you that you need to dump him asap and move on. 

He actually might have done you a huge favor by purchasing that fishing equipment. It will make it so crystal clear to you what he decided to prioritize instead of proposing. 

In the engagement conversation his response should be, calm, loving, and kind. It should not make him get distressed, or mean, or snippy. If he says anything along the lines of ” stop pressuring me, stop asking” or any language that insinuates that you asking is making him upset or ruining some suprise, i suggest you calmly tell him, No. we are two mature adults discussing our future together. There is no reason this conversation or topic should make you upset or snippy towards me. I am asking for simple communication about this and that is not too much to ask. 

If he says you are on track for an engagement, then back off and wait the 3 months. If after then he doesnt’ propose you have your answer. He would rather have fishing equipment than you. YOU WALK. 

Post # 9
Member
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

ladyjane123 :  Agree with you 100%, OP should heed this advice.

Post # 11
Member
1331 posts
Bumble bee

peachyk :  good luck bee. He really shouldn’t have any reason to be mean about talking about it. If anything talking about your future together should be exciting and romantic and loving. How he handles that discussion will show you a lot about where his head is at since he himself agreed to get engaged this year. You are only asking him to do something he already agreed to do. 

If you need an example to tell him if the conversation goes a bit of the rails i would go with this example. 

If he was at work and an exciting project came up and he told his boss he would handle it for him. Would he just not complete the project? And when his boss came asking for the completed work would he tell his boss to stop pressuring him? No. He would not. He respects his boss enough to be a man of his word. If he tells his boss he will complete a project, than he does it. Then ask your boyfriend if he thinks you deserve just as much respect as he gives his boss. Let him know that you are only expecting him to be a man of his word, and he gave you his word that the proposal was coming this year around your anniversary. 

It is an example that asks him to step up and be the man he thinks he is in his mind. Men hate the idea of their word not meaning anything or being respected. It challenges him to admit he isn’t being the man he needs to be. It is also a logical example he can relate to. Good luck bee! 

Post # 12
Member
2171 posts
Buzzing bee

Proposing to you/marrying you doesn’t seem to be a priority for him.  (Apparently, neither is paying his share of the rent.)

If he’s truly had plans to propose around your 10th anniversary he could have been saving small amounts of money every month for the past few months/years/weeks and purchased even a modest ring.  

After 10 years, the whole “surprise moment” ship has sailed.  If he truly wanted to plan something special to surprise you with, he’s made more than enough time to make that happen.

Post # 14
Member
1656 posts
Bumble bee

peachyk :  he’s 30 and prioritized fishing equipment over paying for a roof over his head?!!!

 

ETA: excuse me, BOTH OF YOUR HEADS. the fact that he didn’t care whether he could pay his portion of the rent so you, his girlfriend of 10 years, didn’t become homeless overnight is so concerning to me…

Post # 15
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

peachyk :  Girl I had the EXACT. SAME. SITUATION.

My fiance waited until 2 weeks after our 10 year anniversary to propose. However, we had also discussed previously that if he waited to long after our 10 year anniversary, I was going to move on from our relationship. He knew I did not want to simple ‘date’ the same guy forever. He knew I wanted marriage and a family and that we would not move forward to having children without a ring and marriage first.

It can definitely still happen for sure! Don’t doubt that! But I think you need to have a frank discussion with your partner about your expectations. You dont want to spend any more time with a guy who has decided he just never wants to get married because whats a piece of paper when you;ve got 10 years under your belt! (I was terrified of that).

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