(Closed) Am I crazy or…?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I can see where you are coming from, and from personal experience, I know how hard it is to go through something like this. I do have to bring up one point though, if you love him to death, then you would be content with waiting on getting married, no matter how long it took. I’m not saying that you don’t love him and that he isn’t your world or anything, but have you thought that maybe, if you are pushing for marriage and HAVE to push it, then he might not be the one?

I know that’s a tough thing to hear, but I have done it myself. I was in a relationship that I felt was perfect, but I kept pushing marriage on him. he propsed to me, then out of the blue took off, never to be seen again. He never gave me a reason when he did it, I was just deserted. I knew that he only proposed because I had pushed him to do so, after the fact anyway. Later on he told me the reason why he left, and it was becuase he simply wasn’t ready and I was suffocating him.

I’m not at all trying to question your love for one another by any means, I just know that it can be difficult sometimes in knowing what each other wants and what you want for your own life. For example, with my ex, I wanted marriage because I don’t think I was fully happy. That may not make sense but I think I was just looking for security, and even though I was in love with him, something was missing. So now, with my new fiance, before he proposed I was fully content with where we were. I was happy, in love, and didn’t care if we were to ever get married. Of course it would have been nice if he proposed, but I was just so happy that I let things fall the way that they were supposed to. And now, we are engaged and I couldn’t be happier. The reason I’m so happy is because I didn’t have to force or push him to do it, I know that it was genuine, and now I don’t have to worry about what he wants or fears, I know that we both want the same thing and that is commitment.

I know it’s difficult, but you really should look at what you both want, and figure it out. If there is any question between the two of you at all, and if you have to question one anothers love or motives, then its not necessarily the best situation to be in. I don’t mean to offend in anyway, and if I did I really appologize, I just hope that you both work through it or find what you are looking for in life. Sometimes even when we are with someone for a long time, after a while if we aren’t content with where we are with that person and have to question everything about them, then it’s time to look at ourselves from a different perspective and think about what to do next. When you both are content, there is no questioning, and you both know what the other one wants, if you are questioning anything, it might be time to leave the situation and really think about it before moving on and getting hurt.

I hope I helped, and if not I’m sorry. Just felt the need to say my thoughts because I have been there and know how difficult it can be. Hope you feel better and I really do wish you the best!

Post # 5
Member
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

awe you’re welcome! I definitely know what you mean, and it is something to think about most definietely. If a man gets everything, but doesn’t give back especially something that YOU want, then it might not be right ya know? I really wish you the best, and if you ever need to talk feel free to message me =) I know I’m not the best “counselor” or anything like that lol but I will def listen if you need someone to vent to, and I’ll give advice if I can. 😛

Post # 6
Member
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Just ask yourself a couple questions, Is he worth waiting for? do you want to marry this man, or do you just want a wedding? I know how you feel, I’ve been there before. To me, my man is worth waiting for, I don’t think I can find anyone better for me than him, so I wait. We’ve had the talk about marriage and actively planning together. But it wasn’t always that way.

Does he have other fears, or just the money issue? it sounds to me like their may be more to it than what is being talked about, i went through that too, it turned out much better when we both laid our cards on the table.

Post # 8
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

@stillwaiting: Obviously, we don’t know the whole story, but I just wanted to let you know that my Fiance and I were together almost 10 years before we became officially engaged. I was the one that didn’t want to comit ourselves on paper, even though we own a home together, vehicles together, have joint bank accounts together, and all the rest of it together. I love my Fiance dearly, but I was, and still am, scared of that peice of paper. I was in a very abusive marriage prior to him. The relationship in the abusive marriage was wonderful, prior to the signing of that peice of paper, then it all went downhill after that. I know in my heart that the same thing won’t happen with my current Fiance, but that doesn’t stop me from being scared. Maybe your Fiance would be open to some relationship counseling. He is probably scared for some reason not known to us, and maybe not even known to you. Just a thought….

Post # 9
Member
923 posts
Busy bee

I was in relationships before my marriage where the men had problems commiting to me fully. I’m don’t know if that is how your Fiance is or not but what I learned from those relationships is that if I had to tip toe around the idea of us being serious and always watch what I said when it came to getting married (whether to them or not) or having children and a family that that relationship wasn’t right for me. And honestly it never felt very good to be in relationships like that. I didn’t realize how different it felt until I met my husband. I don’t know if you should breakup with him or not, but I just think you deserve to be in a relationship where you are both fully commited to each other and it’s not like pulling teeth. Marriage is wonderful and amazing. Yes it’s hard and is a big decision to make, but I needed to find someone who felt the same way about marriage that I do. I wanted to be married. My husband does too. If that’s what you want I hope your Fiance can give you that commitment because he wants it too, not just to keep you happy.

I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. I suggest relying on some close family/friends right now for support. And if at all possible seeing a professional where you two can both talk it out wouldn’t be that bad of an idea. Even if he isn’t willing that doesn’t mean you can go and talk to someone yourself to work out how you’re feeling and what steps you should take in the future. This is helped me many times. Good luck.

Post # 10
Member
4311 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@stillwaiting: I tend to be VERY practical… and I think has a valid concern.  Either way, you’re going to need a job.  Work on finding one.  If you find one and then he’s still pussyfooting with some other excuse, you may need to seriously reevaluate your situation.

Post # 11
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  🙁   I spent my entire 20s with a man who wasn’t ready yet.   We had a baby together and he left 7 months later.   I kept waiting and waiting and he wouldn’t commit to a time.

Looking back, I’m glad I have my son, but wish that I would have had the nerve to move on.  

I met my fiance 1.5 years later and we both were on the same page about our relationship, timeline and it felt a million times more secure to me.  If I had known it could be like this, I would have looked for this 10 years ago.  My life feels more peaceful, and I love knowing where I stand everyday.  

I’m not saying that you need to leave this guy, but you need to look at what YOU want and what YOU deserve.  You don’t want be to totally dependent on him and that’s smart.   Don’t change yourself to suit him.  You know, you may end up married much quicker if you started over than waiting for this guy. 

 

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