Post # 1
So gals, I need some help. My ex, who works in the same building (lovely) came in to tell his best friend, whom i work with, that he’s engaged (or going to be engaged – all we heard was "ring" and "congrats" and "now you’re putting pressure on me" so we had a pretty good clue). The ex and I dated four about four years and broke up about two years ago in a long and drawn out epic. I’m now engaged to someone else who I love dearly and is perfect for me, but am I crazy to be getting the "punched in the gut" feeling every time I see the ex now? I had gotten over the post-breakup-punch and now it’s back! I’m a highly competitive person and feel like everyone is going to forget about my engagement (which was only four months ago) and think about theirs. Selfish and self-centered, I know. And I hate it.
I really want to be excited for my wedding and subsequent marriage because I cannot imagine my life with my guy, but every time I think about my wedding, I get that feeling like they’re going to out-do us, even though we’re not getting married here. Am I being crazy?! I know I’m being selfish, but I’m not really even excited about my wedding anymore. Every time I think of mine, I think of theirs. And that SUCKS!
I’ve talked to my fiance about it and he was wonderful. He held me and said it was ok, he was sad when his ex got married as well. Any advice or thoughts would be extrememly helpful.
Post # 3
I can totally empathize. I met this guy over 6 years ago actually right after my divorce and fell head over heals in love we dated for a little over a year and broke up. Up until about 2 months ago I would always get that punced in the gut feeling when I heard anything about him. (I am still really good friends with his sister in law) So when I found out he was getting married I felt heart broken. I obviously am madly in love with my fiance and am so glad that it’s not Mr. X that I am marrying but it honestly took me to see his wedding photos (which his sister in law sent to me) that the punch gut feeling went away. I had imagined this really beautiful girl and a really nice wedding but what I saw was an average looking girl and an average wedding and honetsly since the day I saw those pictures the feeling is completely gone. I honestly think it was a I want him to know I am doing better than him thing. Seeing those pictures confirmed my wedding, fiance, life is sooo much better than his could ever be.
I know that probably sounds soooo immature and ridiculous but can’t help the way I feel. So just know other women feel the way you do and keep in mind you traded up for a better guy and your x’s fiance got your left overs!
Post # 4
eh – dotn beat yourself up about feeling this way – it happens… we’re all only human after all
kinda like we always want the validation that his current is in no way shape or form not as good or good looking as we are…
i’m sure secretly we all want our own wedding & reception to be better than anyone on here or the knot or the wedding channel… but at some point you gotta let that go and just be content and happy (which it sounds like you are 😉 ) with what you’ve got
Congrats on your engagement and happy planninG!!
Post # 5
Thanks guys. That helps a lot. And I didn’t make the "I want to be doing better than him" connection, but that is totally it. And people have told me I’m prettier than she is anyway, so I need to remember that. 🙂 Sooooo childish, but whatever helps, right?
Post # 6
I think its totally normal. My FI’s ex (wife, not girlfriend) was, when they were first married, tall and thin and blonde and her parents were rich. Now (not that it matters) I can hardly recognize her – she is still tall, and that’s about it. She looks really, really old. Her hair is frizzy and overprocessed, she has put on a lot of weight and NOT in an attractive way – dumpy rather than curvy – and her teeth look terrible. Oh, and since her father died her mother has squandered all the family money. It’s childish, but its completely satisfying.
And my ex (boyfriend), the one I broke up with after 5 years because he got another girl pregnant? He married her, and then cheated on her, and she divorced him and took everything.
Although, short of your ex’s relationship failing in a spectacular way in the next couple of months, or him being hit by a bus, you just have to remember that YOU are way happier without him, and you know exactly what SHE is getting and its not that great. He probably came over to tell his friend the news just so you would overhear. And didn’t you really, really want him to know when you got engaged? Just so he would know how much better off you are without him.
Post # 7
To look on the brighter side of things I always like to think "what could be worse than this?" So in your case, these are the things that COULD make the situation worse:
1. his fiance works with you and having a girl plan her wedding in the same office as yours and hearing about it everyday could possibly push you over the edge – luckily he is a GUY so he will not be talking about wedding planning details to anyone in the office
2. he could have gotten engaged BEFORE you. imagine how you would have felt if THAT had happened.
Remind yourself of why it was never meant to be with him and why you are so better off with your fiance. That stomach pain in my experience only happens when there is something leftover that you can’t let go. Once you tune into who you really love and redirect your positives and reality check that pain does not surface again. I felt NOTHING when I heard about my ex doing X, Y, Z. I was shocked but then I realized – wow, I guess I am so over that I don’t feel a thing and I truly love my fiance and appreciate what I have in my life. Your grass is greener – I promise.
Post # 8
yea you shouldnt work yourself up over it- everyone has moments like this. i agree.
BUT in the light of "always trying to better yourself," i think its important to actually reconcile these issues and not just say, well i’m prettier than the other girl therefore i feel better now. why is there a need to compete? where does this feeling stem from if you truly are in the best place in your life? i find that i get competitive when i feel inadequate about something. but that’s just me. just something to think about i think….
Post # 9
Yeah, its good to not feel the need to compete. But its still good to be prettier.