Post # 1
My bf and I have been together for 8 yrs, since our senior year of college. We’ve gone through 1 breakup (3 months). I blame myself honestly. I wasn’t the girlfriend I should’ve been. I’d lost a job I truly LOVED and just wasn’t quite right.
I’d also been pushing the marriage thing after about 5-6 years.
In the beginning we always talked about “when we get married someday..” or “when we have kids someday..” But 3 years ago he became a police officer and he/something changed. I’m not sure if it’s the talk with all his cop buddies about how horrible married life is, or he’s developed this ability to just block out all emotion..
Anyway, we’ve been back together for 2 years and things TRULY couldn’t be better. I know, wholeheartedly, now we both realize we can’t live without eachother and both give 150%.
Finally the issue.. It’s been 8 years.
I’ve been the only “girlfriend” at 5 of his cousin’s fiancé’s showers this month (All girls I’ve barely met or seen at a family function in 8 yrs) Plus, now ALL of our friends are married. We’ve seen them all meet.. fall in love.. get engaged.. and gone to their weddings. I’m just wondering if it’s ever going to be my turn? Why is every other girl worth marrying but me? I just want to know that I mean enough to him.
I keep bringing up marriage but it’s always “one more thing”.. once we’re both make enough money, or once I start going to the gym more (he’s a total gym rat), or once our sex life gets better, etc etc. Since the breakup, I kicked my ass in gear and have exceeded all his expectations.. But now it’s.. once we save up for another house or once you’ve been at your new job for a year. When is it ever going to be enough??
I’m now 30 and don’t want to look back one day and realize it was all for nothing. Am I wasting my time???
Post # 2
alibeth: I think you need to sit down and have a very serious and honest conversation with him. I think you need to ask him where he sees his relationship going with you. You need to be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you would be happy the way things are with him or if you’ll grow to resent him if you stay and he doesn’t propose or marry you. Will he resent you if he marries you if he no longer sees marriage in his cards? You need to be fair to yourselves and each other.
Post # 3
I think you might well be wasting your time. As soon as our sex life gets better? As soon as you go to the gym more? Wow. Marriage is not something he can decide to “reward” you with when you “do well.” You’re not a child. You’re partners, and he should definitely know by now if he wants to marry you. Sounds like he’s just procrastinating.
Post # 4
Honestly, I’m confused at several points in your post:
“But 3 years ago he became a police officer and he/something changed. I’m not sure if it’s the talk with all his cop buddies about how horrible married life is, or he’s developed this ability to just block out all emotion…Anyway, we’ve been back together for 2 years and things TRULY couldn’t be better.”
…so what is it? Married life is horrible to him or truly couldn’t be better??
“I keep bringing up marriage but it’s always “one more thing”.. once we’re both make enough money, or once I start going to the gym more (he’s a total gym rat), or once our sex life gets better, etc etc.”
Wait–so those “one more thing” conditions are HIS conditions? Like you’re asking him about marriage and he’s the one who brings up you going to the gym more? Or are those things you’re assuming on his behafl?
“Since the breakup, I kicked my ass in gear and have exceeded all his expectations.”
…Um, what were his expectations? And how did you exceed them?
Depending on how you answer those questions I could give you any number of different points of advice, but honey, if you’ve got a man who a) hasn’t been the same for 2+ years b) keeps coming up with excuses as to why you can’t get married (you need to go to the gym more; you need a different job; you need a house etc. etc.) I gotta be honest: this doesn’t sound like you’re going to get a very hopeful response.
Post # 5
My honest advice is get rid of him! You deserve someone who would chase you to the moon and back to get you to marry them. Not someone who has a long list of expectations and breaks his promises. Marrying him will only make things worse!
Post # 6
BothCoasts: Hi thank u so much for your feedback, I’m truly at a loss right now.
I hope this answers your question..
He became a police officer and I moved from IN (where I grew up) to NJ so he could pursue his eer. He was totally normal about the marriage talk, up until about 6 mths after becoming a cop. Then all the sudden, his mindset changed. We got in a petty fight and I went to stay with my sis for a few days to give him space. When I tried to talk it out like we’d always do done for 5-6 years, he shut me out. Then gave 100 reasons He was totally normal about the marriage talk, up until about 6 mths after becoming a cop. Then all the sudden, his mindset changed. We got in a petty fight and I went to stay with my sis for a few days to give him space. When I tried to talk it out like we’d always do done for 5-6 years, he shut me out. Then gave 100 reasons why he shouldn’t be with me and things I “should do better”.. “Like I did in college”
Honestly, in the end, I was so devestated.. I sucked it up.. Realized I shouldve/couldve been better.. And fixed all the things I needed to. Not just for him, but for myself too.
Now we’ve been back together for 2 years and happier than ever. Sex life is GREAT.. I’m back in gym and feeling wonderful about myself.. Ive remodeled our entire house basically, etc etc.
He tells me almost daily how happy he is now and how he couldn’t be happier with our relationship.
yet. I’m still not worth marrying? He keeps saying “Once this and once that..”
Post # 7
alibeth: sorry the page wouldn’t submit and when I tried to copy and paste it came out all weird
Post # 8
Yea no sorry. If he cant love you the way your are and the way you’re evolving as a person throughout life then he isnt worth your time. If i only dated guys who thought i was hot when i was highschool id be in very unhappy relationships.
My Fiance loves me for who i am and i love him for who he is…. and neither of us is perfect. Thats what you deserve. Unconditional love.
Post # 9
It sounds to me like this is a man who isn’t prepared to be married. But you won’t know until you actually ask him and talk to him about it.
The truth is, there’s no “perfect” time to get married. You make the choice to commit to someone and you do. And frankly, trying to get all your ducks in a row before getting married is a fool’s paradise because the real essence of marriage is a joint commitment amidst the messiness of life, not the cherry on top of carefully orchestrated steps.
I can’t answer your quesiton about the cop stuff. It could be–policework is stressful and some people might not adjust well to it–but that’s something that he needs to talk to you about (or you need to bring up with him), especially if we’re talking about marriage here. Sometimes people want to keep their jobs separate from homelife, which would be a real possibility for something like the demands of policing, so gettign him to open up about being on-the-job isn’t necessarily the goal, but if you feel like the job has made him emotionally repressed in some way, then that’s something you should bring up–not for the sake of marriage, for for HIS sake.
As it’s been years and as you want to be married, I think that it’s time you made your wishes known and that you established with him what kind of timetable we’re talking about–I’m not saying a “deadline” but an honest conversation about what both of your expectations are regarding your future. You need to know if your expectations are a proposal by September and his are “maybe in the next five years.” Ultimately, I wouldn’t take it as a referendum on you being “worthy” enough. Sometimes people simply want different things and sometimes they can find compromise; sometimes they can’t. But you won’t know without the data to begin with.
Post # 10
Honestly everyone.. THANK YOU SO MUCH for this. I’m literally crying right now bc you’ve reassured me of everything I’ve been thinking for years. I’ve just doubted everything and thought I was crazy.
Post # 11
You know what really bugs me about this? Is that HE has these expectations and you are trying desperately to meet them. It’s like he’s dangling this carrot and you are jumping for it… and then he pulls it away. sounds like he is in charge of this relationship in every way. Very controlling!!!
what about YOUR expectations? HE wants you to go to the gym more (and you are), HE wants a better sex life (and it is)… what about what YOU want? Does he (for example) clean up around the house more, or cook dinner more often, because he is trying to meet YOUR expectations?
I’ve been married for 13 years, and it is a partnership, and it takes a whole lot of work. I am glad I have my dh, but both of us have expectations OF EACH OTHER ; your situation sounds very one-sided.
I think that people who want to be married ARE married.m I am not trying to be mean, bee, but seriously, he is holding all the cards here. I would get out of this now. Right now. After 8 years and all the effort you have put into meeting HIS expectations, if he clearly valued that, then you’d have a ring on your finger. I think you need to turn the tables on him…. I bet he would be shocked if YOU walked away from this relationship because YOUR needs are not being met by HIM.
Good luck to you. I wish you every happiness, and you clearly are too good for a guy that doesn’t value you or see your needs as being equal to his… and you’ve done nothing to reinforce this idea. Walk away, right now!!!
Post # 12
If it makes you feel better, I was also in a relationship where things were pushed back. In the beginning he was all about “is this what it means to find the one?” “if we were older we’d be married by now.” But then over the years, that faded, and when I asked what this was I got responses like “we’re building something,” and then they started changing to “be sure you’re making decisions for you first, not just for us.” I wasn’t truly ready to be married either, so I wasn’t pushing that, but I was pretty sad about the fact that we’d been building momentum that then seemed to dissipate.
In the end, we just weren’t right for each other, and now I’m marrying someone else. It’s still sad, but life works out. and the new relationship is much better.
Post # 13
SmartCookie1: thank you smartcookie1 ♥️
Post # 14
sending you big hug, bee. If you lived near me, I’d take you out for a glass of wine and happy hour. I don’t even know you… but I like you… and you deserve more. Keep us posted; I’m sure I’m not the only out there who is rooting for you.<3
Post # 15
I’m going to agree with what everyone else said. He’s the one setting all of these conditions for the relationship and leaving you to chase those conditions, thinking that maybe if you reach them, he’ll want to marry you. It’s cruel. Your partner should encourage you, not hold your future together ransom because he wants you to “be better”.
It seems like he doesn’t want to get married. Or he thinks you’ll just stick around until he feels like he does. Like it’s your job to prove you are good enough to marry. The truth is, you are good enough, the way you are. Maybe it’s time to look for someone with the same goals as you (marriage, etc..) Keep doing those things that make YOU happy, and forget about doing them for him.
I was with my SO for 8 years when he proposed (we’re 25), but never did he want to “fix” anything before we got engaged. When I achieve accomplishments, he actually tears up when he tells me he is proud. He is my biggest cheerleader. I don’t say this to brag, I say this because I wish this kind of support for you.