Am I foolish to wait??

posted 11 months ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

@happybee45 It does sound like he either changed his mind along the way or misled you because of the kids. I wouldn’t be happy about it either, but for the sake of the kids, if you want to keep trying, perhaps it’s time to appeal to his rational as well as emotional side.

Sounds like he needs a big wake up call if he’s afraid to get burned again – that’s being very selfish considering the position you and the kids are in. Is he aware that even without marriage he would be obligated to pay child support? I’m hoping that he does love them and won’t be a complete douche about their upbringing since he agreed to have them even if the first was unplanned.

Having a discussion about his fears of financial entanglement or other concerns may help him get his priorities straightened out and realize that ship has already sailed a long time ago.

 

Post # 19
Member
769 posts
Busy bee

When my ex said after 3 years together he “didn’t think I was the one” the relationship ended that day.

Move on, Bee.

Post # 20
Member
4187 posts
Honey bee

happybee45 :  Ok good. I didn’t want to add to the hurt. I would not continue to give this man the benefits of marriage without the license. He marries you or he’s out. The kids bear your last name and see him infrequently if at all. To hell with what’s fair. He’s trying to have his cake and eat it too and thus far he’s succeeded; I see no advantage in this for you. Let him live the bachelor life he’s so reluctant to leave behind. I wouldn’t be anyone’s baby mama. 

Post # 22
Member
428 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - York, ME

sunburn :  I don’t think witholding the children from a loving parent is a good idea.  Kids aren’t pawns and shouldn’t be used to inflict hurt on someone, even if they hurt you deeply. Definitley agree the kids should bear her last name though and she shouldn’t have to sacrifice what is important to her!

 

OP, this would completely eat away at me if my SO and father of my children said this. I don’t think hearing I’m not the one would be something I could ever get over. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Post # 23
Member
2895 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

happybee45 :  It would break my heart for the man I love to say: I don’t thnk you’re the one

That would be enough to leave, even with a kid and one on the way. No way I’d want to be with someone who is literally telling me I’m not the one they see as their life partner. Easier said than done to leave, but I would definitely start making a plan if I were you.

Sorry bee

Post # 25
Member
769 posts
Busy bee

happybee45 :  I’m not gonna lie – I can’t take the credit.. he said that and I lost it – but he basically ended it. I never had the guts to. Now, looking back, I can’t believe I was so blind. I wish so SO mych I had found the Bees before that to talk sense into me for staying with a man that was never gonna commit. When I think back on our past conversations about our future and his reservations I cringe SO BAD that I was so blind…

That’s why I want to give Bees like you my insight, so that you can take back control and stand up for yourself and do the right thing by yourself and stop waiting on the wrong man. 

Post # 26
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I’m sorry bee, you are in a tough spot. Please consult a lawyer and don’t leave before you have a good plan for how to take care of the logistics of housing, childcare, custody/support, etc. Talk to him calmly once you have processed all your emotions and won’t be swayed. Talk to family to see if they can help you.

You say marriage is important to you, and more than that knowing your partner respects, loves, values you enough to commit. You will find someone who will do all of those!

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