Am I foolish to wait??

posted 10 months ago in Waiting
Post # 31
4064 posts
Honey bee

co_katherine :  “infrequently if at all” was the term I used, not cut off completely. But a man who will live with but not marry the mother of his child is rarely a great parent, in my experience.

Post # 32
10704 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

sf618b :  

Not quite. A large study of adults whose parents had not been happy together revealed that a whopping 82% of the subjects wish their parents had divorced.

Post # 33
769 posts
Busy bee

happybee45 :  I met my fiancé 5 months this later and he proposed 18mknths after that.

if a man wants to commit…he will. Like PPs I just do t get the willingness to commit enough to children together but not marriage..

Post # 34
6450 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

There are too many things for us, as strangers, to consider. Are you willing to be a single parent? Is marriage something you want to split the family up over? Would it be better for the children for the two of you to be together, even if you aren’t married, or to split and have to “visit” one parent or the other? 

I have always been a big proponent of the fact that marriage is NOT “just a piece of paper.” However, once children are involved, I think an adult needs to think in different terms. If the two of you get along and love one another, is it really worth splitting up the family because he won’t get married? If you get life insurance, power of attorney, medical directives, etc. set up, does it matter all that much? You chose to have a family with this man without marriage. You chose to have a second child with him without marriage. Is it really worth breaking everything up over something you seemed to be okay with in the past? (And, yes, I did read your posts. The first may have been unplanned, but you chose not to terminate, and you chose to have a second. These are indeed CHOICES you made with a man who was not married to you. Is it fair – to the children, to him, to yourself – to change your mind now?)

Post # 35
670 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

sassy411 :  except they are not unhappy together, they are happy she just wants marriage and he won’t marry her. She never said they were fighting or miserable. Yeah if you’re in a miserable turbulent home where there is fighting or abuse it’s always better separate. If these kids are in a seemingly happy home otherwise, separate is not better. 

Post # 36
1455 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

I’m glad he’s a good dad.  It’ll give you free time to meet someone worthy of you and your children.  

Post # 37
1171 posts
Bumble bee

The old ” It’s just a piece of paper” is a tried and true excuse. It is a pretty damn important piece of paper!

As for ” I don’t think you are the one.” Well, that would be the last sentence of a relationship as far as I am concerned. My next sentence would be ‘ OK. You can pick up your stuff tomorrow. I will see you to the door….”

Post # 38
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

echomomm :  This is the smartest comment on this thread.  

Post # 39
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020

OP, I just want to say it is really impressive that you came on here and seem to be aware of what is going on vs. being naive and in denial.  My heart breaks for you.  It doesn’t make it easier to make the decision to leave if that is what you decide to do, but kudos to you for seeking feedback and making a good choice for you and your kids.  

Post # 40
1631 posts
Bumble bee

ozbee :  Agreed. OP is childless, free to just walk away with a clean slate. This is a relationship with the father of 2 of her children. Lots to consider here. 


Post # 41
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

In my opinion he is not giving you excuses, he is giving you reasons.  He does not seem to want to marry anyone, like ever.  

He’ll probably only ever do it if the alternative is worse than biting the bullet and marrying someone.

I can’t judge his level of commitment to you, but I do admire that he’s not stringing you along with the hope he’ll marry you one day.  You keep thinking he’s going to change his mind when it’s obvious to everyone his mind is made up.  Either find happiness in the man you chose and the children you have without marriage or leave.

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