Am I getting my hopes up….again…..

posted 1 year ago in Proposals
Post # 2
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee

iferean :  I’d tell him to return the fucking stand mixer and put the refund into a ring. 9 years have passed and you are now 30–you have officially dumped your entire 20s on someone who cannot give you the ultimate commitment after 9. Fucking. Years.

 

it is time to have a come to Jesus talk with him—TODAY. Once you do, it is time for you to set a firm walk date in your mind. With a walk date, you’ll no longer have your hopes up, because there will be a direct consequential action to him not proposing by said deadline. You don’t have to tell him the exact date, but tell him you’ll need a proposal in x amount of time (I say no more than 3 months—again, it has been 9. Fucking. Years) or you will have to seriously reconsider the terms of your relationship.

 

Time to grow a backbone, bee. Stop twiddling your thumbs waiting for him to make a decision for YOUR FUTURE.

Post # 3
Member
1105 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Nah. 

Ask him what his timeline looks like. If he can’t answer, leave. An answer is in a denomination of time. A response is not the same as an answer. 

If he gives an unreasonable amount of time, leave. IMO anything beyond a few months is unreasonable. In no case would I give longer than a year. 

There are no excuses here. 

Post # 3
Member
1105 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Nah. 

Ask him what his timeline looks like. If he can’t answer, leave. An answer is in a denomination of time. A response is not the same as an answer. 

If he gives an unreasonable amount of time, leave. IMO anything beyond a few months is unreasonable. In no case would I give longer than a year. 

There are no excuses here. 

Post # 4
Member
10675 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

iferean :  

Have you sat him down and had a serious, adult discussion with him about engagement and marriage?

And as for the “pressure” nonsense; these are grown men, not delicate hothouse orchids.  He will not wilt.  He will not faint.  He will not break.  Men play the Pressure Card as a tactic to get women to back off.

Post # 6
Member
4042 posts
Honey bee

Time to find some self esteem. You’ve allowed yourself to be treated as a person of unimportance. Don’t buy property or pets with men who can’t commit to you

Tell him you want to be married or you’re going to walk. Then do it….unless you want to waste more years of your life. 

You know why bees get all up in arms when someone brings up the analogy of why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Because it’s TRUE!

 

Post # 7
Member
1965 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I can relate bee. My husband & I have known each other 17 years. I was 15 & he 16. Best friends for years. Feel in love while friends. Went out & feel madly in love. We broke up over young & dumb things. We were apart 5 years but didn’t see other people. We knew we wouldn’t experience that sort of love with anybody else. Got back together in 2013, moved in together & proposed a year ago. Married in April 2018. 17 years after meeting.

All my friends were married quicker. My baby sister even got married before me. However I knew the love we have is so intense & I wouldn’t have it with anybody else. 

Have a talk to him about timelines. I can see your frustration. 

Post # 8
Member
869 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

my cousin waited 12 years 4 kids and a house he proposed to her on her 30th.

my friend has been w her bf 12 years they have 3 kids a house no ring

i met my husband my freshman year, we both dated other pople and dated after high school. me i waited 5 years and i ASKED HIM to marry me or be gone because i knew i wasnt about to waste anymore time and at first he said no!! but i let him now i wasnt going to wait around any longer and i wasnt afraid to be without him. 2 months later he proposed. i also offered to pay for half my ring, so money was not an issue. if u want it make it happen. lets get married! i dont need a ring, that can come later. lets go to city hall.

do this! take charge, dont take no time for an answer 9 years is enough to know if he wants to sign a paper or not, its also about 100 bucks so hopefully he can afford that. 

there is no excuse, none!

Post # 9
Member
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Ok sis, it’s time for your come to Jesus moment.  YOU put yourself if this position and it is going to hell to get out of one way or the other.  You own a home with a man with not so much as a discussion of timeline of marriage?  That is a mistake you will learn from.  Time to get involved in your relationship!  Have a walk date, Have 1 more discussion and if he can’t give you an answer (within 5 months not sometime in the future) then it is time to move on with your lovely stand mixer.  Call the movers if you have to but there is absolutely no way you can stay there past your walk date with no ring on your finger.  It is not going to get better bee. 

Post # 10
Member
812 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

I’ve been there. You need to take your power back or else the resentment is just going to build. 

You need to stop hoping and ask for a timeline. And it needs to be an actual time-based window (e.g. “within the next 5 months” or “in August”) and not an event-based starting point (e.g. “after I save money for a ring” or “after my brother’s wedding”). 

If he won’t give you a timeline, then he is unsure about marrying you, and you need to decide if you’re willing to work through that. 

If he does give you a timeline, then accept the possibility of walking away if he doesn’t step up. Accept that if he doesn’t step up, then he has lied to you and cannot be trusted to follow through on his words, even for you. If you can accept and prepare for this, then I think you will find that you feel much less powerless. By the time the timeline passes you will either be reassured, or you will be ready to move on. But either way you won’t be in limbo.

Post # 11
Member
5916 posts
Bee Keeper

dreeceves :  You asked him to marry you after 5 years together and he ‘said no at first’ ….then proposed to you 2 months later?! Sorry Bee, this isn’t an inspirational story, that’s so awful  he did that to you. 

Post # 12
Member
869 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

RobbieAndJuliahaha :  lmao loads of men wouldnt take a womans proposal seriously. My man came through two months later. And we got married two months after that. Be sorry for the ladies in waiting. 

Post # 13
Member
1260 posts
Bumble bee

Wait maybe I missed something. Did you actually have a proper adult conversation about marriage timelines? Or did you just hint at it (look at this gorgeous ring! Oh look such and such is getting engaged hint hint)?

30 isn’t that old, some men don’t want to think about marriage until they’re 30. But you need to have that conversation and know exactly where you stand and what his timeline is.

Post # 14
Member
6167 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

The two of you need to schedule a time to sit down and have a conversation where you make it clear to him that “someday” is not an acceptable response at this point. You need a concrete timeline and plan OR you need to start figuring out what you are going to do with the next part of your life.

But you also need to figure out how serious you are here. Do you want to be with him no matter what (even if that doesn’t mean marriage) or do you want marriage (even if that doesn’t mean with him)? If you had to make a choice, what would your choice be?

Post # 15
Member
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

iferean :  Have you spoken to him seriously about marriage and the timeframe of it? Also, you bought a home with him before getting a ring. You made it easier for him to stall or even not propose. I’m not saying he won’t but we don’t have much information as to what was discussed.

I was dating my now husband for almost 9 years before he proposed. However, going into the relationship, we had discussed his medical career aspirations so it was clear that the proposal would happen once he was done with residency. He surprised me by proposing during medical school so that we would be engaged and married before residency started. He wanted to make sure that we were married before I made the commitment to move to wherever his residency would be located. So yes, waiting was tough for me, but we had clear expectations of what was going to happen because it was discussed.

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