(Closed) Am I giving him the easy way out? (very long, sorry!)

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee

@sapphirestar:

When you have talked about marriage, has he ever said what type of wedding he wants?  Maybe you should ask him what he envisions for your wedding?  and when? (timeline?)  I think men want things to be “perfect” sometimes, and so when he said he was afraid the ring was too cheap, I’m wondering if he has a different idea of what is important to him-maybe he feels the need to be the breadwinner, make things just right for you?  I think men like to feel proud of what they can provide, and since he doesn’t have a job ($) maybe he feels like he can’t ask you. Keep us posted.

Post # 4
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

If that’s what you truly envision your wedding to be like, I don’t think you’re giving him an easy way out.  If you’re settling to see if that’s something he’d be more willing to go with, then yeah, maybe you are letting him off the hook.  Everyone has a different idea of what should happen regarding proposals and weddings, ask him what he’d like, in an ideal situation.  You may be surprised!  You say he’s traditional, so maybe he doesn’t want a small affair.  It’ll be nice to come to a compromise, and you’ll both have a better idea of what to prepare for. 

Post # 5
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think you should talk about a timeline with him. I’m all for openness, and I don’t see this as an ultimatum. Just let him know why getting married is important to you, and stay calm and supportive. Ask what the barriers are to getting engaged- are they only financial? Does he not feel “ready”?  In this conversation reaffirm that the ring is not what is important to you, and that you would be thrilled with a beautiful white sapphire. Ask him if he could set a time frame when you two might be engaged, or when he might like to get married. 

From your story I would guess that the money isn’t the sole thing holding him back from asking. If the ring is not important to you, then you can sure tell him that it’s not important, but I’m not sure that will move your engagement along, especially if he is worried about some other issue. Just try and get to his real feelings about marriage, and reaffirm the reasons why you love him and why marriage is important to you.

Post # 6
Member
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

What are your talks about exactly? Did you ask him what timeline he has in mind?

3.5 years went by from the time Fiance said he wanted to marry me someday to him actually proposing.  And he always said he wanted to do it ‘soon’, so as you can imagine, after a while I got frustrated. I didn’t really understand why on the one hand he out of the blue was saying he wanted to marry me, and on the other hand told me he wasn’t ready whenever I brought it up.

So when he brought up the topic once more, I told him I had thought it would have happened by now and asked him what his timeframe was.  He told me, and also told me which goals he had set for himself before getting engaged.

Once he had achieved those goals, he bought a ring and proposed within a month. And he was ecstatic about being engaged, because he felt absolutely, 100% ready for marriage.

I know some guys give timelines and don’t keep them.  But that’s a whole different story. It never hurts to have an open and honest discussion about each other’s expectations.

Post # 7
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Each couple is different and if that’s what you want then I don’t think it’s giving him the easy way out. Just because society says you should have a certain engagement and huge wedding doesn’t mean you have to do it. To each it’s own and if that’s what will make you both happy then go for it!!

Post # 10
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2011

@sapphirestar:  After many years of being together and occasionally talking about marriage, I had to share with my guy my expectations for our next anniversary (we celebrate the day we met each year).  I told him I wanted a date for our wedding and something shiny to go along with it.  It was almost an ultimatum but not quite… and what I got back was *almost* what I asked for.  He proposed and I have a nice ring, but no date has been set.  We aren’t really seeing eye-to-eye and there are other circumstances that slowing the process down… but we are moving forward even if it feels like a snails pace to me… I think to some men a snails pace feels like a rollercoaster! 

You really need to find out whats holding him back… ask the question and then try very hard to just listen (uncomfortable silence is good)… it usually takes them awhile to run through the excuses and then finally start uncovering the real issues.  My guy was worried about my expectations of him as a husband, that I would want to change him or our routine, etc… Just listen and try to understand… practice saying things like “Thank you for sharing with me.”  “I’m going to need some time to think about what you shared before I respond”, (this is good if he’s shared something that upset you).  “I love you and I want us both to be happy with our choices.” 

Okay, can you tell I’m really old and already a mother of a grown child!!!  Sorry if this was too much advice… but it is just that, you can take some, all or leave… I do wish you good news very soon.  And please don’t waste your time on him if he can’t do the work of communicating and fully commit… it is true that there is more than one perfect person out there for you 🙂

Post # 11
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t get the “letting him off the hook” or deserve “ring and wedding” ideas.

I mean, I think I deserve a fabulous castle in scotland… but I’m not expecting anyone to give it to me – and I know lots of people who deserve lots of things but uh… I don’t see them getting it.

As far as letting him off the hook – if you don’t want to marry him unless he proves his ability to save money and willingness to make a signficiant financial gift to you – that’s totally your perogative.  But in that case you’re the one with doubt about marriage. 

I can’t know whats going on in his head but I would not think that he’s not proposing because of money/ring.

Maybe its because to me that’s such a foreign way of thinking – if we’d had no money we’d have gone to the courthouse and I’d have been just as happy and frankly one pretty ring is as good as another – I can’t imagine my Fiance doesn’t know that.

I would say that after 3.5 years of “I want to marry you” you deserve an answer to “so why don’t you?”  And I would press for that answer.  If necessary say something like, please think about your reasons but I need you to tell me what you’re thinking/feeling by this weekend/or whatever.  What did he say when you proposed to do it that weekend?

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