am I going to get judged?

posted 4 months ago in 30 Something
Post # 31
Member
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020 - City, State

I think the fact you’re not in your 20’s, people won’t judge. Though we were not blending a family, we were engaged just after a year, and people knew me/us well enough to know that we have good heads on our shoulders at our age and knew what we were doing. So nice to hear you and your guy have found love and that the kiddos all get along well! 

Post # 32
Member
11348 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

And it matters, why?

Post # 33
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly, I do think people will judge since kids are involved and you’ve barely known each other. You may have been though a lot in 10 months, but you’ve still only know each other 10 months.  If you know he’s “the One”, he’ll still be the one in 18 months. No need to rush with kids involved.

 

Just my opinion and probably the opinion of many others in your orbit. I would never say that to a friend’s face but I would think it. And I would be supportive of them because – again – kids involved, certainly don’t want anyone’s relationship to fail and inflict more trauma on kids who have already been through divorce once. 

 

I would worry about toughening up so any comments you do hear don’t ruin your day. 

Post # 34
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2019

My fiance and I are getting married next month, and we were engaged after six months.  People really haven’t been judging. I am almost 38 (getting married the day after my 38th birthday) and he is quite a bit older than me.  

I don’t know if people haven’t been judging because of our ages, that we have been married before and people think we know what we want now, or if it’s because we were friends for 10 years before dating.  Either way, we were pleasantly surprised.

 

Post # 36
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee

You said yourself that you’re a sensitive person and don’t want anyone raining on your parade.

Post # 37
Member
9127 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

If you possibly can, just put it out of your mind . If anyone says anything openly go for either ” hmm, interesting…..” and pointedly change the subject or , (said gaily and lightheartedly)  ” yes, mad aren’t we !” And change the subject.

We did it and in a much shorter time ( tho no children involved) and laughed them off as above. Whatever they said behind our back idk and did’t allow myself to care. He genuinely didn’t care anyway, he’s impervious to that sort of stuff ,lol !

 Best of luck. Though l am a total stranger on the internet, for some reason l feel highly optimistic for you. 

 

Post # 38
Member
977 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

ohiobee : the cats just like being catty and they get prickly when called out on it – you’re fine just the way you are. And good luck – let us know when it happens!

Post # 39
Member
1122 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

The only people whose opinions matter are you, your fiance, and the kids you have between you. To that end, if I might make a suggestion:

When my stepdad proposed to my mom, he involved me and my sister in the proposal (we were 13 and 10 at the time) and it’s a very fond memory for me of feeling included and like we were part of an intentional family. If that’s something you and your future husband are open to/it seems right for your situation, I highly recommend he involve the kids in the proposal.

Post # 40
Member
1545 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I think it’s a great idea to involve the kids in the proposal. I particularly like the concept as framed above– all intentionally becoming a new family together. Has your SO considered doing this, OP? 

Post # 42
Member
233 posts
Helper bee

Everyone who hears about a life event judges or has opinions on that situation  and if you’re asking what my thoughts would be, it would be the following:

Marriage isn’t as much for the adults as it is for the children involved. If you’ve already blended your family and your daughters love each other and have started seeing your boyfriend as a stable person in their lives and his daughters see you as a constant in their lives, and assuming you and your boyfriend are both serious about this working out on the long term, then you should proceed to marry to give the kids that stability. 

All of those girls have already been through one divorce, so as you make the decision to marry, you need to really make sure this is the real deal. They don’t deserve to be put through another divorce or separation. I’m sure you bloody well already know that though! 

Post # 43
Member
970 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

View original reply
ohiobee :  I would talk to your partner about specifically avoiding a holiday/special event proposal JUST IN CASE you guys end up not working out and it ruins that particular holiday for all the kids. There was a bee here who got proposed to on Christmas or sometime, then he broke it off, and now she feels her Christmases are ruined forever. 

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