(Closed) Am I going to leave my fiance???

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

ahhh…if your packing it kind of sounds like you are emotionally already out the door…

Post # 4
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think you need to do some major soul searching to figure out why all of a sudden you are feeling this way.

Have you had past issues with commitment? Or is he really not the right man for you?

A few sessions with a counsellor might help to work through your thoughts and help you figure out what is going on.

It definitely sounds like more than cold feet, so I’d try and start working out what you really want sooner rather than later.

Post # 5
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

That sounds rough.  Never been through anything like this myself.  If you feel torn perhaps consider couples therapy before throwing in the towel.  It might help you realize what you want from a relationship or from your fiance that would make you happy.  And don’t think couples therapy is only about trying to mend things.  The truth is, it will help you decide whether pursuing this relationship is the best for both of you.  To me it sounds like it could be two people growing in opposite directions which is very natural but it could also just be that your needs aren’t being met and you have a right to voice that.  Good to do it now than later.  You can’t expect him to make you happy if he doesn’t know how to please you and a divorce later on is much more expensive and hard especially if you guys start a family.  Guys are sweet and mean well but you have to spell things out for them about what you want and expect.  Granted, Mr. Right is going to get better than most without being told but he is still going to be relatively daft at the whole relationship thing.  I will say that if you envision yourself dating other people, it is probably not the other people you are yearning for but the date itself.  Relationships tend to lull after the first couple years and it is easy to forge to go out, to treat yourselves and to have fun together.  When is the last time you guys went on a date, I mean a real date?  You might just need him to take the reins and shake things up for you; to whisk you off your feet.  This comes to the other issue though which is that he sounds slightly less assertive than you.  You mentioned feeling like you wear the pants in the relationship.  I do have some experience with that.  I had an ex fiance who was rather passive and while I enjoyed the control, deep down I didn’t feel protected and taken care of.  The relationship ended for other reasons after 7 years but looking back I would have grow frustrated later on with not having someone to take the lead now and again.  Now that I have a Fiance who is much more assertive and masculine, I realize that while I may but heads with him more on big issues, I am glad he takes an interest in those big issues with me.  I have a partner finally.  Women tend to like the security of knowing they don’t always have to be the man (even though we all know who is in charge lol). It is also an easy way to lose respect for that person if they aren’t filling that sort of role for you.  And a marriage without mutual respect for each other’s role is doomed.  Seek therapy ASAP.  You may find that things improve right away and you had nothing to worry about or you may find that these passing desires are much more than that and calling off the wedding is best.  You still have a little time to figure things out but do it soon.  Cold feet is okay but overall you should be thrilled this close to your wedding, not resentful or confused.  Every woman deserves to be overjoyed with the man they are marrying.  Good luck.  

Post # 6
Member
4429 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@strangewaysherewecome: the wedding is in august right?

you have some time not much but a lil i think you need to walk away from the whole situation

and what i mean by that is a lil getaway by your self or with a close girlfriend.

if you can get away for a week see how you feel being away from him.

go to work still handle what ever is going on in your life.

stay with a friend or family member for a week pack up and leave for just a week.

you will find out how you really feel about him. no calls texts nothing emails nothing.

just time with yourself. soul search, think about where you want to be in ten years your goals and dreams. if you dont see him by your side at the end of that week listen to your heart.

dont do it for him or anyone else do the right thing for YOU!

blessings love and light.

may God bless you and show you the way.

good luck and just remember this is your life!  

Post # 10
Member
1430 posts
Bumble bee

My advise is put off the wedding. the pending wedding date is probably making things much harder for you sort out your thoughts . You just need more time to clear your head and really figure out what you want and what is best for both of you.  Maybe it is just cold feet or a phase in your relationship that will pass or maybe it’s not. Maybe your doubts are valid and reason enough to move on your seperate ways. But if you love him that much you owe it to yourselves to go to counseling and figure out why your feeling the way you are.  Eliminate all the what if’s so you won’t leave him or marry him and feel like it was the wrong decision down the road. Just send out a cute ” Change the date: TBA” to your wedding guests and just put all the planning on hold for now.

Post # 12
Member
986 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Thats hard.  I don’t have a single doubt with this man.  I did with men before him. I’ve bailed on a number LTR because I had doubts.  With Fiance all I think about was how I wish I met him 20 yrs ago. That we might only have 30 yrs together because of our ages. 

However….maybe some people just panic.  I would talk to a counsellor.  When you start to talk things out its amazing clear the issue becomes

 

Post # 13
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@strangewaysherewecome:  No, feeling this way is NOT normal. You are describing the exact way I have felt with my EX boyfriends. Go with your gut.

Post # 14
Member
721 posts
Busy bee

I had thoughts like this a couple of months ago (though not to this extreme) when my SO first moved in (not engaged yet but it’s just a matter of time at this point).  I felt like I was missing out because I’m young and I’ve really enjoyed dating around and meeting new people and having the “firsts” (first kiss first date etc) and I’d never truly lived by myself before.  And then I started to write a post on the bee about it and started it off with “and he’s so wonderful…” followed by all the the wonderful things about him and went on and on and on until I realized my heart was (this is gonna be cheesy…) swelling up with how much I loved him and I just had to call him RIGHT THEN and tell him.  We had promised not to talk for awhile so I could think out my feelings and after one day I was about to go out of my mind!  I could barely get out of bed, and it wasn’t cause I felt sorry for him or guilty, it was because I missed my man!!  That’s what cold feet is, panicing for a bit, then taking some time to think and realize of course you’re in love.  If you take the time and still don’t feel that way well…it’s time to move on.  So take that time to think.  I like the idea of going away for awhile with no contact.

Post # 15
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Can I ask how old you are?  The reason I ask is that there was an article in Cosmo this month about why women that marry young get divorced.  The points in the article seem to reflect your concerns (they also reflect my personal experience, but that’s a longer story).  The summary is that because of social pressure to get married and wanting to find someone we think won’t screw us over (i.e. the sensitive, safe male), we jump into a marriage with the wrong person.  Then, as you grow and mature, you find out that what you thought you wanted isn’t what you needed.  

Sounds like you’re having that wake-up call right now, and only you can decide whether you take that step down the aisle or save yourself a divorce in 5 years.  You can’t make him have a different personality, so if you’re having a fundamental aversion to his personality, that doesn’t seem like a cold feet issue.  I was in your same shoes and walked down the aisle, thinking that my sensitive, non-dominant man was what I wanted; especially since I was/am such a go-getter.  I didn’t want the competition.  But truly, you need the competition.  You need someone who will challenge you intellectually.  And you need someone to ignite that passion.  Sounds like your Fiance doesn’t.  I agree with the PPs, take a week away and see if that changes anything, but it sounds like you’re already half-way out the door.  Listen to yourself and good luck.

Post # 16
Member
721 posts
Busy bee

@strangewaysherewecome:  Oh and I think the not being masculine enough thing is a legitimate reason for not wanting to be with a man, even if he’s wonderful in other ways. That’d be a deal breaker for me.  My SO is an inch or two shorter than me and baby faced and I was concerned about it when we first met, but he more than makes up for it in his confidence and attitude (and his skill with a gun makes me feel super safe).  Exactly how is he unmasculine?

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