Am I hard to love?

posted 5 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

orchid990 : I know this feeling exactly. I was in relationships but never felt that strong connection, never had someone who was crazy about me. By 33 years old I had rationalized that my nerdiness and strong type A personality were boring or too much for me. That being a single mom made me less desireable, etc. I told myself all these negative things that ultimately meant – I felt I was unloveable.

I remember about a year and a half before I met my fiance… a short term dating relationship ended. I was on the phone with my good friend crying and saying “I think I am unloveable!”

Then one day i met my fiance and it just clicked. I cant explain it better than that. There is nothing I could have done differently and I never expected it to happen. But we went on a first date and it was pretty clear something was special. All the things men usually got bored by or disinterested in me for – he loves! By 6 months he confessed his desire to propose once enough time had passed. We got engaged at 1 year and will get married next week (around 1.5 year mark)

There is NOTHING wrong with you. Of course we all have flaws and things we can work on, but you are WORTHY of LOVE just as you are. You just havent met the one who appreciates you yet. It can take many years. Just keep your head up and keep putting yourself out into the world.

Post # 3
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

orchid990 :  Clearly something was “off” in these relationships or you wouldn’t have ended it with these guys, perhaps they felt the same as you did, therefore they aren’t going to chase you or fight for you to come back to them. It probably has nothing to do with you specifically as a person, but just that is wasnt the right relationship.

Are you in any type of therapy to help with your self esteem issues?

 

Post # 4
Member
399 posts
Helper bee

Oh Bee, I’m sorry you are hurting. You are loveable. When I broke up with my ex of four years, I was mostly single for the following seven years (stints of dating guys for three to four months, then seeing those guys find long term partners immediately after). During that time I saw all of my close friends meet men and get engaged/married. It was hard. I think I felt like I was in the same boat as you – great education, good job, financially stable, have lots of friends and a life, fairly low key with drama. You are loveable, hold out for the love you crave. I am only six months in to my current relationship, but I am so glad those other short term relationships did not work out. Final point – I have never tried to “fight” for a relationship. I have never fake threatened a breakup either. If “maybe we should break up” comes out of anyone’s mouth, then I am out. You don’t need the drama of the fight.

Post # 6
Member
1215 posts
Bumble bee

I felt the same way when I was single. There is nothing wrong with you, bee!

It’s good to reflect on what went wrong in your past relationships but don’t beat yourself up or get caught up in the negative just because you haven’t found the right one yet. Just try to learn from it and keep your standards high.

It’s better that those guys didn’t try to keep you in the relationship because chances are you may have gotten talked into staying longer and wasting more time with them. Now you are available for the right guy!

It might not happen right away, but just keep reminding yourself that you are free to meet someone who would never jeopardize your love, who is so crazy about you that you would never even have a second to doubt him. You deserve that! And you will find it if you keep cutting out the bad eggs. Hold out for that good love because you’re getting closer to finding it!

I know it can be so hard when you’re not having any luck in the dating world. Trust me, I have been there so many times! It’s so easy to spiral but stay positive and remember to ensure all your exes and fuckboys are blocked. And keep on truckin! 

Post # 7
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

orchid990 :  It might be something to consider.

I only had one relationship prior to meeting my husband, I’d talk to guys or go one dates but one of us would usually end up not being interested, which was fine but I did sometimes worry I’d never find “the one”. And then I found my husband! 

You’ll find your person, don’t give up and don’t feel any less of a person just because some guy that you didn’t want to be with didn’t chase after you.

Post # 8
Member
4570 posts
Honey bee

Are you hard to love?  Maybe.  None of us can say.  Odds are probably not.  A couple things:

1) Someone chasing you down and begging you to stay is indicative of nothing.  If anything, it likely means everyone recognized it just wasn’t working.  Why would you beg someone to continue something that was broken enough to warrant ending?  Why would you want that?  Just to soothe your ego?  There’s 7 billion people on the planet.  You will run the gamut of people just not into you or not ready for commitment or just plain assholes.  The odds of finding someone the first try or even second third fourth or tenth try aren’t great.  You’re not going to click and be compatible with just anyone.

2)  The far more likely issue based on this and your other thread is that your low self-esteem is resulting in you choosing shitty partners and accepting shitty behavior and circumstances because you think you can’t find or don’t deserve better.  It’s not that you’re unlovable, but you pick guys who aren’t capable of being loving partners who are emotionally available and willing to commit.  In your last post, you claimed you were in a relationship with “a great man”.  You then went on to describe an emotionally unavailable 35 year old who can’t figure out his finances and used his ex- cheating on him as an excuse for his commitment-phobia when the reality is he never wanted to commit to her even before the cheating and he’s an immature wishy-washy man-child who was just fine stringing a woman along to avoid having to make a decision or have a difficult discussion until she finally did something bad enough to force his hand.  You hung onto that for a year.  I honestly could not figure out what was so great about him from your description.  Either we have different definitions of great, you don’t know how to spot great, or you trick yourself into believing mediocre at best is good enough to be called great and is what you deserve.

I recommend PP’s recommendation of therapy.  Not to explore whether you are “lovable”.  There’s an ass for every saddle.  But to explore why you think so poorly of yourself and seem drawn to and accept shitty men with shitty behavior.  You need to have the self-confidence to weed out the shit sooner and know you’re worth better than that.

Post # 9
Member
770 posts
Busy bee

orchid990 :  

Plenty of people are going to suggest therapy, and I won’t contradict that. I will say, however, that it’s not a cure-all and that the therapist can only do so much. As with anything else worth having in life, most of the work has to come from you.

I also recommend that you look into coaching. Watch a bunch of dating and relationship coaches’ videos on YouTube and find one that resonates with you. Coaching is very practical and focused, and it can be really effective if you are struggling with relationships and running into dead-ends. So often we are doing things that don’t work and we don’t realise it (that certainly was the case with me), and this can be frustrating if we keep getting the same results. I found coaching to be really extremely helpful in this area and for showing me where I needed to concentrate my efforts.

For example, if you have poor boundaries and accept shitty behaviour (like annabananabee says), you may not realise it or how to do things differently.

A few things that jumped out at me about your post specifically:

* Don’t compare your own situation with your friends’. You have no idea what their relationship is really like, and drowning in self-pity and the apparent “unfairness” of it all is truly a waste of energy. Your path is different from hers, so just keep your eyes focused on your own goals, and don’t worry about what other people are doing.

* In terms of the relationships that you ended, you are choosing to dwell on aspects that make you feel poorly about yourself (“he didn’t even bother to fight for our relationship or beg for another chance”) rather than those that are affirming: “I had the strength to end something that was no longer working and good for both of us or meeting my needs. Not everyone has the courage to do that. Now I am freed up to find someone who is a better fit.” 

This is a misery of your own making.

Focusing on and taking care of yourself is not a booby prize – it is an opportunity and a privilege. Believe it or not, many people in unhappy relationships would love to have this chance. See the joy in it, make the most of it. Get out there and do things that make you feel good.

* “I have never asked men fro any materials things, crazy committments, no drama, no lingering exes etc. I have a stable job, financially okay, lowkey personality no addictions etc.”

Unfortunately none of this is a guarantee of love. That’s just not how love works. These things are great, but love is a much deeper emotion, and you can’t sell yourself as if you were a second-hand car dealer.

Keep the faith, and keep going. There are so many people in this world, and you’ll find one that’s right for you. Sending you love & luck.

Post # 10
Member
640 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

It’s possible you expect too little and your standards are too low.  Men don’t respect women who will put him and his wants before her own needs. He’ll enjoy the perks of being with her and using her, but he will never value her. She’s shown that she’s not her own biggest priority so she will never be a priority to him.

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