Am I having cold feet or legitimate relationship doubts???

posted 10 months ago in Relationships
  • poll:
  • Post # 2
    6899 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    I was in this situation with an ex (he was a really nice guy who treated me well; we dated for many years, but eventually it just got to the point where I was no longer attracted to him and was fantasizing about the idea of just being single and unencumbered by him). It was really painful but I did end the relationship and it was the best thing for both of us.

    In my opinion the concerns you have go way beyond “cold feet.” They’re specific and serious. If you’re already questioning whether you’re “settling” by marrying this guy, I wouldn’t go through with it. The thing that stood out the most to me was feeling like you have to constantly motivate him. That’s a burden that will only grow with time. 

    Post # 3
    1118 posts
    Bumble bee

    I also think that the issues you’re having are more than cold feet. It seems very much as though the two of you make wonderful friends, but you’re a bit off in the “life partner” department. A lazy, overweight man isn’t attractive to me, either. I care about my health and need someone who is at least putting in the effort to be healthy. It doesn’t matter if he’s a supermodel; he just needs to care. This comes back to the laziness aspect. I’ve been with a lazy man. As a motivated and independent woman, I was able to pick up the slack in all the areas where he was insufficient. I enjoyed being there for him and being able to “take care” of him, so to speak, but when it came to his career, his home, etc, I finally got tired of making all the plans, picking up all the slack… and I became emotionally and physically exhausted to the point where I was having panic attacks. Mismatches in motivation and energy level can become very unhealthy. It’s a worthy concern, and I think you should talk to him about it/seriously consider whether this relationship is a good idea longterm.

    Post # 4
    1877 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I would move on. The fact that you’re having so many doubts and have been engaged a year without even setting a wedding date is the biggest flag. It sounds like this relationship has simply run its course. 

    Five years into a relationship, it’s not surprising that you’re over the “in love” phase, but I do think you should still be attracted to him. Not being attracted to him or wanting to have sex = he’s basically just your friend. I agree that a marriage should be more than that, especially since you’re still so young. There’s no reason to settle for a passionless, sexless relationship. You deserve to feel attracted to your partner, and he deserves somoene who is attracted to him as is. 

    As for his laziness, he might not see anything wrong with his lifestyle and appearance/weight, in which case you can’t expect him to start caring just because you do. But the fact that he’s not motivated/doesn’t take initiative is rather vague – is it mostly about stuff like not exercising, or is he also unmotivated about his career, day to day chores, etc? Having different levels of ambition isn’t necessarily a bad thing/dealbreaker, but what concerns me is that it actively bothers you. It seems like you have trouble respecting him because you don’t feel like he’s your equal in this way, and that sounds like a pretty unhealthy dynamic to set up. Without more specific examples, I don’t think either of you is necessarily in the wrong, but you just don’t sound very compatible. 

    I think it’s common when we start dating people very young to settle or overlook things that we wouldn’t put up with once we get to know ourselves better. It sounds to me like that’s what has happened here. The good news is that you realized before the wedding, and you’re both young so you can let him go and move on with your lives. 

    Post # 5
    1086 posts
    Bumble bee

    I was in a serious relationship from 16-19. As in way too serious for our ages. He planned to go to med school… and was so dreamy. Treated me well, was motivated, and the hot football player. I know the age thing is not exactly the same but we did plan forever together.

    I would say neither of us changed a whole lot… he still seems like the same guy… I just realized that although he treated me well and had great life goals… he was so NOT MY TYPE. The attraction faded. And he still sends me snap chats and things and his life looks wonderful…. for him. Glad i am not the one he married and I am glad that i broke up with him even though it was so hard. 9 years later… and many other maybes…. and growing. I found the one.

    If he annoys you and is not your type… being an angel to you isnt the reason to stay. My ex started buying me things and being nicer to hold on but I knew it was not going to help that the love was gone. I needed more and being nice and sweet wasnt working for me.

    Post # 6
    8827 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

    sounds like you have grown apart and not the right match anymore. if you are not 100% into this guy, more on and explore your options.  you don’t want to settle for this and resent it later.

    Post # 7
    1926 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Those sound like deal breakers to me. You’ll be marrying your housemate, what an unsatisfying existence!

    One other thought: you say he’d be a good father… Ok, but how will those babies get made if you’re not having sex? And sex lives generally decline after babies- if you’re miserable now, how do you feel about no sex for the rest of your life? It’s a recipe for divorce and/or cheating. Don’t marry this guy!

    Post # 8
    2356 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Don’t marry someone because he would make a good father. This should be a baseline expectation.

    Don’t marry someone because he is well-mannered. This should be a baseline expectation.

    Don’t marry someone because he is nice and treats you well. This should be a baseline expectation.

    Don’t marry someone because of the sunk-cost fallacy.

    Break up with this guy, be single for a while, get yourself and your life into the shape you WANT it to be in, then start over.

    Marry the guy who is all the above things PLUS self-motivated, active, attractive (to you), etc.

    Don’t marry a guy who meets your baseline expectations. Marry the guy who exceeds them, and who you can’t imagine NOT marrying.

    Post # 10
    1468 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    This is beyond cold feet. Not to mention, they aren’t just popping up because you’re engaged now. You’ve been engaged for over a year, and you’re still having these doubts. You haven’t set a wedding date for a reason.

    Post # 11
    684 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2019

    The scariest/best relationship advice I ever got was, the lower energy partner sets the pace for the couple.

    I’ve had to recognize that in my relationship, I have do the work of motivating him into activity, or he’ll “pull me down” to his energy level. Whether it’s working out, weekend activities, or doing things on vacation, it’s up to me to nudge him off the couch if I want to do things together. And it’s a real effort!! I don’t mind the trade-off because his career ambition is high like mine, which I think counts more than the difference in how we choose to spend our time. But I fully understand how it could get to you, and eventually turn you off for good.

    I think you should be honest with him about your diminished attraction to him. It’s hard to tell someone you care about, but if you come from a place of love (“I want us to have a great sex life” or “I need you to be around when we’re in our 70s”), he’ll be willing to hear out your concerns. 

    Post # 12
    1173 posts
    Bumble bee

    sagirl321 :  Your feelings are legitimate doubts, not cold feet.  You’re beginning to see what “forever” would be like with your Fiance.  And sometimes once that realization really sets in, it’s not always rainbows and unicorns.

    What you see now is what you’re going to get.  No lazy guy is going to magically get motivated once you’re married; in fact many times the opposite happens.  While no guy is perfect, there are some things or traits that are non negotiables or deal breakers.

    The fact that you don’t miss him when he’s gone traveling is telling.  Even after dating a long time you should be looking forward to him coming back.  This sounds like a case of you growing apart.  There’s a reason why a lot of people don’t marry the people they dated when they were 21.

    It sounds like this relationship has run its course.

    Post # 13
    2297 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Break up with him. 

    He’s not what you want anymore. There’s no need to stay with him. You won’t be losing anything, because you and he are roommates now. You appreciate him as a person, which is great, but that’s not sufficient for a marriage — especially when it hasn’t even started yet. 

    The relationship is already over, so make it official.

    Post # 14
    8017 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    Don’t just go through the motions of getting married. It sounds like he’s not the right fit for you anymore, and that’s ok. It’s better to acknowledge it now before you’re legally bound to each other. 

    Post # 15
    98 posts
    Worker bee

    First of all i really want to salute you for being so strong and ready to be single and although it can be tough but it seems like you need it.

    A man you always have to motivate??? hmmm what a burden and it can be straining.

    You two make a fit friendship and there’s nothing wrong in wanting to want more out of it yes he is nota bad guy so dont beat yourself up for it, but once you get that gut feeling like this is not the right partner for you listen to it, you’re young and many women mary for the idea of being married and end up unhappy…

    All the best

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