(Closed) Am I in the wrong???

posted 5 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

@mrskisstobe:  Given all the cyber bullying that goes on (to the point of teenagers committing suicide), I don’t think you’re out of line. She’s in grade 7 and that is still a KID. You are her mother and you have a right to know what she’s doing. I absolutely will have parental controls on the family computer too and put it in an open space. I don’t intend to buy my children smart phones and give them free reigns of the internet either. The world isn’t always a nice place.

I have a feeling this may turn controversial, but when safety is at stake (even children’s lives) it is not unreasonable to do what you can to interject. Teenagers think they know everything and they don’t. They think they are prepared for the world and they’re not. You need to be aware, even if you don’t step in every single time. It doesn’t sound like she will tell you on her own, so you have to do it yourself.

Post # 5
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Hmm, well I have to be honest, this sounds like your typical teenager.

And so yes, you should be doing EVERYTHING you can to protect her.  Doesn’t sound like she has many boundaries at her Dad’s house… have you tried talking to him?  I don’t think what you did is wrong at all.  And I would talk to him about getting rid of this G+ account.

Post # 8
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

@mrskisstobe:  Teenagers always *hate* their mom, especially teenager daughters. She doesn’t hate you! She’s just an awful, horomonal teenage girl who *hates* everyone. She will outgrow it. I remember telling my mom I hated her too, and now we are very close.  

Post # 9
Member
5221 posts
Bee Keeper

Given your previous posts about her and your exH/his parents,  I would consult with a lawyer and begin taking legal actions to ensure that she (1) lives with you on a permanent basis (2) visits with dad are supervised since he can’t be trusted to make sure they’re properly fed/clothed and (3) I would immediately get her to a counselor specializing in  adolescant behavior. 

She is a child and needs help. Yes,  teenagers CAN have crappy attitudes and improve with age but failing school,  not having personal hygiene,  not eating properly can result in a teacher or other parent taking notice and you + your ex being investigated by CPS. 

 

 

Post # 10
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Have you thought about refusing to let her over your house?  I know that’s probably extremely hard as a parent – but it does show some tough love.

Post # 13
Member
5221 posts
Bee Keeper

@mrskisstobe:  I’m sure it has,  he doesn’t sound very responsible. I’m not talking about having yet another talk with him. He obviously didn’t listen,  doesn’t care and he is set on undermining your arrangement. Take legal action. Y’all have tried method after method to get through to her and him,  and to be quite frank,  playtime is up… for both father and daughter. He hasn’t demonstrated he is a responsible adult, and she is just a child. 

I would immediately seek legal council on how to get her back,  under your roof,  and make sure he is not able to take her for any extended stays without supervision. He is an unfit father. YOU are her mother,  she has had enough free reign as is,  you need to take charge of this situation.

Post # 15
Member
1179 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’m not a parent (yet, tho im 7 weeks pregnant) and I’m also only 21. But I thought I might help from your daughters perspective… I had an overbearing mother who was VERY knowledgeable with computers because, shes a fricken IT tech. I can’t say she ever put monitoring software on my computer that I know of.. though she tried to tell me she had. I know that if she had I would have been in a lot more trouble then I ever was! I definitely think your daughter is lacking discipline, I was constantly grounded, losing my phone or texting privledges, tv and the computer, which ever. But I can tell you I went to extreme measures to lie to my mother and to protect my privacy. I think that at this point the relationship with your daughter is very distraught and I think she is probably very annoyed and angry with you for giving her no privacy. She is going into a young adult and with that she deserves some rights to privacy. I think she likely feels like you are treating her like a baby and not trusting her whatssoever. Sure at this point, why should you trust her. But as you go to build your relationship with her, I would definitely consider how much you are invading her privacy. I had the hardest time trying to talk to my mother because she had a CRAZY temper. She would get so mad and scream and yell. I think its important for you two to repair your relationship with a big big truthful and calm conversation, and maybe that should be with a councelor or therapist.. some sort of mediator. I get that you want rules because shes under your house but she needs to room to become a responsible adult. she needs room to come to you and say mom I need help, some weirdo is talking to me. But when you explained why you have software you said you need to know who they talk to, who they’re friends with, where they go. THERES TO MANY CRAZIES IN THE WORLD. You should be giving her enough trust that, okay you told me youre going to, Jessicas house. You guys have a time she needs to be home, shes home at that time. You made it sound like you have that software to protect her from crazies, i assume perverts maybe? So why are you checking it and reading all her conversations with friends and such? Shouldnt you only check it if you have reason to believe she has been lieing to you, or reason to believe shes talking to someone who could be dangering her. To me, it seems like you have that software to check on her every move. Not to protect her. I dont think thats fair. I think you guys should be able to have a relationship where she can tell you who she wants to hangout with, where shes going, and when shes coming back. If she doesnt have a phone, then ask for the friends number in case of an emergency. And I can even say that I think its fair to say you want to meet this friend is its a new friend and someone you dont know.

I know I’m not an experiences parent but thinking of your daughter and relating to being that age with my mother. I would be lashing out too. She has no privacy. It’s like she doesn’t even have a life. You control every piece of it. To her shes a robot and you’re holding her controller… I do believe you went overboard with monitoring the computer so much.

Post # 16
Member
5221 posts
Bee Keeper

@mrskisstobe:  her attitude is terrible already. You guys bend to her whims and temper, I’ve kept up with your posts on her and she is constantly rewarded for bad behavior. My heart really goes out to your family because this can’t be easy. However;  the whole “reverse psychology” of keeping her from home to make her appreciate it isn’t working now, it didn’t work when you guys first tried it and it won’t work in the future. 

Your lawyer gave you sorry advice. 13 year olds CAN choose,  unless it is an obviously harmful environment. I’m sure the teachers noticed and A student dropping to D’s and F’s. Her not showering or wearing clean clothes. You DO have evidence, you just need to decide how “worth it ” it is to you to get her back and on track. 

 

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