Post # 1
So FH doesn’t go out much, however, whenever he does he’s picked up one of two habits depending on the night that have me a little annoyed. One of the habits is insisting he will only have a couple of beers, to coming home projectile vomitting and incoherent. The second habit is saying he “won’t be out too late” then texting me saying he’s not coming home because he wants to stay out.
What aggravates me with both of these situations is that I can’t trust that he will just have a couple of beers or will come home. Our current living situation is he lives with me full-time but also has an apartment of his own that he hasn’t slept at in months, basically is just to store his stuff and for him to crash at in situations like these (his parents are extremely conservative and don’t know he lives with me, so that’s why he also has his own place). Every single time he goes out and comes home I have to take care of him and it’s super annoying. He gets frustrated when I ask “are you going to not black out?” and stuff like that, but like, he literally cannot handle his liquor and I really feel like I need time to emotionally prepare myself to play doctor all night.
I’ve brought all of this up before and EVERY time he apologizes and swears up and down the next time will be different, but it hasn’t changed in 2 years and it’s old. Especially since we’re engaged, I just really don’t feel like it’s appropriate to be out to the wee hours – way past when you told your fiance (who dropped you off and was your ride home) you’d be done. I really don’t want to be manipulative or ruin his fun but I’m just sick of taking care of him or not hearing from him all night because he’s off with his buddies. Am I in the wrong for being tired of it? I don’t know how to express that I’m over it in any other way than being direct and firm and that’s what I’ve done. The issue is that he can’t say no to his friends if they say “drink this”.
I would like to emphasize that this happens EVERY time he goes out. It’s not like he’s fine 4/5 times we go out – it’s literally always something.
Post # 2
Uh no you’re not in the wrong. I think most of us have once in a blue moon, probably in our teens or early 20s, had way too much to drink and ended up a hot mess later that night. But you say this happens every single time your fi goes out? He has a drinking problem bee and I wouldn’t marry him until he sorts it out. The fact that you’re worried about “ruining his fun” is insane…is he even the slightest bit worried about what he puts you through when he pulls these stunts? Doesn’t sound like it.
Time for a come to jesus talk. If he wants to behave like an alcoholic frat boy he’s welcome to do that but he can do it alone. I’d be done.
Post # 3
A) stop playing doctor when he does this… let him deal with his own mess
B) tell him he’s not welcome in your home if he’s like that… he can very well stay in his own place
C) personally I wouldn’t marry a guy who does these things. He’s either an alcoholic who doesn’t care, or far too immature for an adult relationship. Both, really.
D) imagine the great role model he’ll be for your children if you should have some
E) I’d lay down the law – either he gets help for his alcoholism (because that’s what it sounds like) or you’re done. No one needs to spend the nights wondering if or when their SO will be coming home, whether next time it’ll be alcohol poisoning or a car wreck, or drowning in his own puke.
F) this matters less, but what a phenomenal embarrassment he’s going to be on your wedding night.
Post # 4
You are not at all in the wrong!
None of this is acceptable behavior. He’s an adult he should be able to go out with friends and have a good time without getting wasted or staying out super late. This would probably be a dealbreaker for me because it sounds so exhausting to deal with and I wouldn’t want that to be life.
Post # 5
You’re a “little” annoyed? I mean if this isn’t a red flag, I don’t know what is. It would be a complete deal breaker for me in your place. At the very least, postpone the wedding indefinitely.
Post # 6
i love that you say ‘frat boy’ because, he is in fact, a frat boy and of course this happens when he goes out with his fraternity brothers and I stay in lol.
A.) unfortunately he still makes it home sometimes so, since it’s my place he’s at, I have to play doctor or he will throw up on my carpet/bathroom/etc. He’s thrown up on my carpet a couple of times now so I know what happens when I leave him to his devices. B.) I do but then I’m crazy for assuming he’ll be so drunk by then. E.) I really do need to explain the severity of the situation. F.) His parents are ridiculously conservative so I don’t even know if he’ll drink around them. Huge suck up to them.
Post # 7
I’d be worried he has a problem. Maybe check out some al-anon sessions for yourself before deciding what to do.
Post # 8
Why are you crazy for assuming he’ll be “so drunk by then”??? You said he does this every single time he goes out. If he’s making you out to be the crazy one for expecting him to behave the way he always behaves…well that’s gaslighting and yet one more reason to pump the brakes on this relationship.
Not remotely surprised to hear he’s a frat boy. What are you gonna do about this bee?
Post # 9
Go to Al-Anon; they will help you learn to stop enabling his alcoholism, which is what this is.
You don’t have to take care of a drunk. You don’t have to mislead his parents. Actually, your doing these things hurt him in the long run. Stop. It may help him quit drinking if no one takes care of him anymore, and it would be good if he stopped drinking before he kills someone on his way home from one of these nights.
Post # 10
If he’s that worried about his parents and hes acting like a child then I’d say to him that if he doesn’t pick up his act, and cool it on the drink then you’ll a) tell his parents about both the drinking and the living situation and b) postpone any sort of wedding plans until he goes to AA or similar. This is not healthy and as a PP said, you need to stop enabling it.
Post # 11
I wouldn’t necessarily say he’s an alcoholic, does he drink a lot other than this? It sounds to me like he’s trying to “keep up with the lads” and he can’t handle the alcohol like they can. I think it’s a male bravado thing rather than he’s an alcoholic. Either way it’s very immature because he should be mature enough to know his limits and not bow to peer pressure to get himself in this kind of state on the regular. How old is he?
Post # 12
I don’t think this is an alcohol problem. You say he doesn’t go out much, so how often are we talking here? This would be very different if it’s happening once a week to a couple of times a year. Don’t play his nurse and don’t give him lifts. He can get a taxi and get his own arse home. I think it’s best he’s staying at this other house than going to yours in that state. So long this isn’t a regular thing I’d be fine personally.
My Fiance is very social, we see our friends a lot. I would say maybe 4 times a year he gets a bad hangover and is being sick the next day. I’m not his mum, he can enjoy his night with his friends…just like I enjoy my time with my friends without worrying about a curfew or if Ive drank too much. I would never expect my Fiance to come and collect me or play doctor for me. I would myself home and go to bed. My Fiance would get up the next morning and probably go do some sport leaving me in bed. I don’t expect someone to look after me, I’ve got myself into that state.
Post # 13
It sounds like your dude has a binge drinking disorder. https://americanaddictioncenters.org/alcoholism-treatment/binge-drinking-problem/
There’s a book called Co-Dependent No More that you may want to read. It’s full of great information about establishing boundaries with people who have issues such as your fiance and his family.
Good luck, bee.
Post # 14
Is he still in college? He sounds ridiculously immature. This is not something I would want to deal with the rest of my life. D.H. would do this occasionally when we were in our early 20s, but I always let him take care of himself and call his own rides. Going balls to the wall EVERY time you go out sounds exhausting, too old for that nonsense.
Agree with PP that it’s time to have a Come To Jesus Talk and let him take care of himself. If he throws up on the carpet, he’s a big boy and can clean it up in the morning when he’s hungover. I would probably treat myself to a manicure or massage while he’s cleaning so he’s under no delusion that I’m going to be doing it for him.
Post # 15
The vomiting on the carpet has to stop. It’s one thing to have a good time, come home, throw up in the toilet and then clean up your own mess. But to be making a mess for your spouse to clean up, no. Absolutely not. He needs to grow up.
Demand he adhere to a 2 drink maximum going forward or kick him out of your house and decide whether this is the man you want to live with for the rest of your life.