Am I in the wrong?

posted 2 years ago in Beehive
Post # 2
Member
7594 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Uh no you’re not in the wrong. I think most of us have once in a blue moon, probably in our teens or early 20s, had way too much to drink and ended up a hot mess later that night. But you say this happens every single time your fi goes out? He has a drinking problem bee and I wouldn’t marry him until he sorts it out. The fact that you’re worried about “ruining his fun” is insane…is he even the slightest bit worried about what he puts you through when he pulls these stunts? Doesn’t sound like it. 

Time for a come to jesus talk. If he wants to behave like an alcoholic frat boy he’s welcome to do that but he can do it alone. I’d be done. 

Post # 3
Member
6949 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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aregularanon :  A) stop playing doctor when he does this… let him deal with his own mess

B) tell him he’s not welcome in your home if he’s like that… he can very well stay in his own place

C) personally I wouldn’t marry a guy who does these things. He’s either an alcoholic who doesn’t care, or far too immature for an adult relationship. Both, really.

D) imagine the great role model he’ll be for your children if you should have some

E) I’d lay down the law – either he gets help for his alcoholism (because that’s what it sounds like) or you’re done.  No one needs to spend the nights wondering if or when their SO will be coming home, whether next time it’ll be alcohol poisoning or a car wreck, or drowning in his own puke.

F) this matters less, but what a phenomenal embarrassment he’s going to be on your wedding night.

Post # 4
Member
10342 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

You are not at all in the wrong!

None of this is acceptable behavior. He’s an adult he should be able to go out with friends and have a good time without getting wasted or staying out super late. This would probably be a dealbreaker for me because it sounds so exhausting to deal with and I wouldn’t want that to be life.

Post # 5
Member
13224 posts
Honey Beekeeper

You’re a “little” annoyed? I mean if this isn’t a red flag, I don’t know what is. It would be a complete deal breaker for me in your place. At the very least, postpone the wedding indefinitely. 

Post # 7
Member
7843 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I’d be worried he has a problem. Maybe check out some al-anon sessions for yourself before deciding what to do.

Post # 8
Member
7594 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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aregularanon :  Why are you crazy for assuming he’ll be “so drunk by then”??? You said he does this every single time he goes out. If he’s making you out to be the crazy one for expecting him to behave the way he always behaves…well that’s gaslighting and yet one more reason to pump the brakes on this relationship.

Not remotely surprised to hear he’s a frat boy. What are you gonna do about this bee? 

Post # 9
Member
1207 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Go to Al-Anon; they will help you learn to stop enabling his alcoholism, which is what this is.

You don’t have to take care of a drunk. You don’t have to mislead his parents. Actually, your doing these things hurt him in the long run. Stop. It may help him quit drinking if no one takes care of him anymore, and it would be good if he stopped drinking before he kills someone on his way home from one of these nights. 

Post # 10
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

If he’s that worried about his parents and hes acting like a child then I’d say to him that if he doesn’t pick up his act, and cool it on the drink then you’ll a) tell his parents about both the drinking and the living situation and b) postpone any sort of wedding plans until he goes to AA or similar. This is not healthy and as a PP said, you need to stop enabling it.

 

Post # 11
Member
1560 posts
Bumble bee

I wouldn’t necessarily say he’s an alcoholic, does he drink a lot other than this? It sounds to me like he’s trying to “keep up with the lads” and he can’t handle the alcohol like they can. I think it’s a male bravado thing rather than he’s an alcoholic. Either way it’s very immature because he should be mature enough to know his limits and not bow to peer pressure to get himself in this kind of state on the regular. How old is he? 

Post # 12
Member
574 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think this is an alcohol problem. You say he doesn’t go out much, so how often are we talking here? This would be very different if it’s happening once a week to a couple of times a year. Don’t play his nurse and don’t give him lifts. He can get a taxi and get his own arse home. I think it’s best he’s staying at this other house than going to yours in that state. So long this isn’t a regular thing I’d be fine personally. 

My Fiance is very social, we see our friends a lot. I would say maybe 4 times a year he gets a bad hangover and is being sick the next day. I’m not his mum, he can enjoy his night with his friends…just like I enjoy my time with my friends without worrying about a curfew or if Ive drank too much. I would never expect my Fiance to come and collect me or play doctor for me. I would myself home and go to bed. My Fiance would get up the next morning and probably go do some sport leaving me in bed. I don’t expect someone to look after me, I’ve got myself into that state.  

Post # 14
Hostess
4128 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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aregularanon :  Is he still in college?  He sounds ridiculously immature.  This is not something I would want to deal with the rest of my life.  D.H. would do this occasionally when we were in our early 20s, but I always let him take care of himself and call his own rides.  Going balls to the wall EVERY time you go out sounds exhausting, too old for that nonsense. 

Agree with PP that it’s time to have a Come To Jesus Talk and let him take care of himself.  If he throws up on the carpet, he’s a big boy and can clean it up in the morning when he’s hungover.  I would probably treat myself to a manicure or massage while he’s cleaning so he’s under no delusion that I’m going to be doing it for him.  

Post # 15
Member
1681 posts
Bumble bee

The vomiting on the carpet has to stop. It’s one thing to have a good time, come home, throw up in the toilet and then clean up your own mess. But to be making a mess for your spouse to clean up, no. Absolutely not. He needs to grow up. 

Demand he adhere to a 2 drink maximum going forward or kick him out of your house and decide whether this is the man you want to live with for the rest of your life. 

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