(Closed) Am I in the wrong here?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
13013 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I didn’t invite second cousins, but I also don’t know many of my second cousins, and they wouldn’t be offended to find out I didn’t invite them, since it’s been maybe decades since I’ve seen them.  I would invite step-cousins, though, because they have married into the family, and if you’re inviting blood cousins, it seems a little off to me. 

I also did not invite cousins kids, but that’s because we’re having a kid free wedding, and their children are all under the age of 5.   But, everyone also understands that we will not be inviting kids, and I haven’t had any backlash from that.

Post # 4
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Though I am inviting my whole family (no second cousins yet though) I was thinking it would be nice to have a picnic at the beach type thing the day after the wedding, to really celebrate the fact that my family came all that way to see me get married.  Could you have something similar?  I know it’s traditional to ride off into the sunset for your honeymoon right after getting married, but if you stuck around for a day…you could have a big family gathering, with cheap eats and no alcohol, to thank everyone for coming.  Then you can stick to your original cut off, but allow kids and such to come the next day.

 

Does that make sense?  Would it work?

Post # 5
Member
4714 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1998

Ok you are being completely reasonable. We got married in our livingroom and only had 24 ppl. I didnt invite alot of ppl and yeah they were mad at us for a bit but then got over it. It is your day and if they cant understand the reasoning behind why you cant invite them then they shouldnt be going anyways…stick to your guns!

Post # 7
Member
674 posts
Busy bee

I can see your uncle’s point about his step kids. If you weren’t as close to his blood children, would you still count them as first cousins enough to invite? Keep in mind that typically when someone marries into a family with children – even grown children – they are choosing to marry into the entire family in a sense. He may be interpreting the fact that you’re cutting his step kids out of the picture as an insult to his choices that way. If your family backs him on this view, then you may need to reconsider it.

As for second cousins, I believe you’re in good shape there. If you’re being consistent about these kinds of lines where people are and are not invited, then just stay firm.

If you’re getting push backs on not having kids at the wedding, don’t get catty about it. It’s not an unreasonable situation, but don’t get all judgmental on other people’s choices for their wedding because they are inviting children. (Your mention of “sacrificing the quality of the meal” and naming his price per plate does come off this way in this context of venting about his reaction and his choices.)

Post # 8
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

It’s your wedding not theirs. You should be able to have the wedding that you and Fiance want. I think you are being very reasonable

Post # 9
Member
1735 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I invited who I wanted to be there I have some third cousins(my dads cousins children) who Fiance was friends with growing up.  My Dad is very close to few of his cousins my second cousins so they are invited.  I have a few first cousins I never see and barely know they are not invited.

Post # 10
Member
1934 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

We didn’t invite kids either.  The only kids coming are IN the bridal party and are nieces/nephews, no cousins kids.

We actually didn’t even invite all first cousins.  We invited the cousins that both of us know well.  FI has a LARGE family, and we didn’t want/can’t afford more than 150 people.  There’s been a lot of … ugliness over the fact, and yet, no one has offered to help pay for them, so….150 it is!

There’s only so much you can be expected to do!

Post # 11
Member
3692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

They’re the ones being unreasonable.  People don’t realize that the hosts get to set the guest lists, and short of not inviting both halves of a social unit, they can do whatever they darn well please.  If they don’t like that their kids aren’t invited, they can decline.  But they need to keep their big, stupid mouths shut and not complain.  

Your uncle is a jerk for not understanding that your (practically stranger) step cousins are not the same as biological cousins.  Has he even been married to their mom long enough that you would’ve grown up with them?

Post # 12
Member
5423 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2012

Your wedding, your rules.  Not your fault they dont understand.  They are not the ones planning or being budget conscious.  Don’t let it bring you down too much, its still your wedding! 

Were having a small wedding, I’m only having 1 cousin there (were both only children and spent a lot of time together like siblings).  Fiance made concessions with his cousins but I left that up to him.

Post # 13
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I would rethink tge step kids. When someone remarries, the marry the whole family, including kids. I know my cousin sees her step daughters as her own and they have a great relationship because of it.

Post # 14
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I agree with @LibertyBelle.  If you are trying to diplomatic about things, then I think that if the cut off is first cousins you should be inviting your “step” cousins.  That being said, it is YOUR wedding after all.  We are inviting my first cousins and second cousins, but not FI’s because he NEVER see’s them.  I actually have never even met any of his cousins and we’ve been together for 5 years.  It’s never as cut and dry as it seems.  Some people are always going to be offended.  

Don’t worry about how other people are taking care of child care.  If the children are not invited, they are not invited.  You’ll start making yourself crazy 🙂

I hope it all works out, it can be so stressfull!

Post # 15
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

If you’re inviting cousins, you have to invite them all – step-, adopted-, bio, whatever. It’s pretty hurtful to treat them as “less than” just because they’re not biologically related.

2nd cousins is a different story – if you’re not inviting any of them, that’s totally fine.

Post # 16
Member
6019 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

As a girl with many sides of my family and a gazillion cousins including 1st, 2nd, and 3rd, I can say that you are not in the wrong at all. Now for me our list was cut by age (under 18) and with plus one’s. And that brought us down enough. The point is, this is completely up to you. Do not feel bad about handling things the way you are. Just because your cousin chose to handle his wedding one way does not mean you are wrong for doing it another way. furthermore, as long as you are doing your cut off straight across the board and arent just picking and choosing and making special exceptions for one and not the other, I would say you are just fine. You would be lucky to get out of wedding planning without offending at least 5 people in the process lol. We just started and already have had some drag down fights with my mother and grandmother over the guest list. Its insane. Stand your ground and handle their opposition with as much respect and grace as possible and then move on. Those who want to be there for your day will be there and will respect your wishes as far as who is and who is not invited. period.

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