(Closed) Am I in the wrong? Regular Bee going anon with a "sex" dilemma. :/

posted 5 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
257 posts
Helper bee

Oh boy, I would put on the damn corrsset and make him happy. I’ve seen too many men cheat. Remember that Ashely Madison site?! Ugh. However I would definitly ask for something in return… you’ll be exhausted from all that sex so he can cook and clean;) 

Post # 3
Member
3108 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

I think you both need to stop projecting your feelings on each other first of all. Stop taking what he is saying to mean you aren’t good enough, and he needs to stop thinking that you find him unattractive. You need to work hard to clearly make each other feel wanted in the ways you need to, but you also may both need to work on your own self esteem individually.

I don’t think his requests are asking too much or saying that he doesn’t want or love you the way that you are, I think you are probably acting on feelings of resentment due to the larger issue at hand. Men are visual and I think it’s really exciting for them to see you in new outfits scenarios etc. With that said if you aren’t comfortable with something, then he should respect that as well. I personally don’t think dressing up in a corset is a big deal, he doesn’t want a different woman, he wants you. I probably wouldn’t feel comfortable wearing it out to a club but that’s just me. 

Post # 4
Member
40 posts
Newbee

You really are trying to satisfy his needs, which is great of you. But, as you said, you are getting to the point where you’re resentful of having sex with him. It’s NEVER a fun feeling to feel obligated to have sex. This is a tough situation, but you both have knowingly entered a marriage with pretty different libidos. He needs to be more sensitive to your needs, and frame things the he’d like you to do in a subtler, less demanding way.

Are there certain things that turn you on? Maybe having a conversation about ways HE can put in more effort to get you in the mood is a better focus. Ex: Sure, you’ll wear that sexy corset for him, if he does this for you…

Sex is a really important part of any relationship. He’s not in the wrong for wanting to have more sex and wanting to see his beautiful wife in sexy lingerie. And you’re not in the wrong for wanting to have sex just one or two times a week and doing things without feeling pressured to. 

It’s really important for you to feel pleasure out of the times you’re having sex with him. Sometimes (IMO) it IS important to have sex with your partner even if you’re not in the mood right away, because your partner has needs too and sex is a huge part of feeling close to someone. But it’s equally important that your partner puts in the effort to make it worth your while…

Post # 5
Member
3029 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Have you talked to a doctor concerning your low sex drive? Do you take any medications or birth control that you think may be causing it?

I think my first step would be consulting a doctor on the subject because there may be a specialist that can help you with this. I think counseling also is in the best interest of you both. You both should really look into talking to a professional on these issues if it’s causing that much discord in your marriage.

I don’t think your husband is treating you like a sexual object. I think he made it clear that he’s feeling insecure and unwanted. You’ve also made it clear you feel insecure and unwanted for the opposite reasons. It can feel pretty bad to be turned down sexually if you aren’t able to properly communicate and understand where the other is coming from. So I think having a professional for you both to talk to can help some of this tension.

There’s nothing wrong with your partner having certain fetishes or you having them…but you both should only do what you’re comfortable with. Are you comfortable with anal? Doesn’t sound like it. Compromise is great but only when done with the want to do so. If you’re truly uncomfortable then you should not be forced to do anything you do not want to.

Sex is an important part of a relationship for many people and many couples. It’s a natural thing and can be a major source of connection between partners. This does not mean sex is the only source of connection or love in your relationship.

I don’t think he was trying to offend you by sharing his fetish of dressing up or suggesting clubbing. He may just of been really trying to find a way for you both to enjoy it more and it sounds like he’s not sure where to start on the issues you both face. However, what about you? What things do you enjoy sexually? When you do want sex…what initiates it or what turns you on? Is he pleasing you? Are there things you could use from him to please you more like oral? These are important questions. Just because he may require something sexually doesn’t mean you don’t but you need to be vocal about that. Does he try to find ways to please you more or get you in the mood?

Ultimately, if counseling cannot help you both and you do not feel valuable to your partner then you may need to consider if the differences in your sexual appetites is able to survive this. You both being insecure/feeling undesireable will not make a healthy marriage and if you both can’t find a happy medium where you both are comfortable then sometimes we have to realize that maybe we aren’t with the right person.

In addition to a typical counselor…there are also sex counselors you both could consult whom can really put things in perspective for women and men on how to relate to the differences in needs or feelings where sex is involved. Good luck to you.

Post # 6
Member
2762 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Sex therapy. ASAP.

Feeling pressured into having sex when you don’t want to is a no go. Feeling like your spouse is constantly turning you down and rejecting you sexually is a no go. Experimenting with stuff repeatedly that ends in tears is a no go. Demanding one partner compromise in something as fundamental as sex is a no go. imho you guys need external help. 

 

Post # 7
Member
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

It’s like I’m looking at my own relationship after reading this post. I totally get where you’re coming from, and I’ll bet you my Fiance totally gets where your husband is coming from.

I don’t think your husband thinks he’s being unreasonable, nor do I think he truly wants the two of you to go clubbing – I think it’s all about the look on a random occasion. So while you are already making a compromise to have sex more often than your libido would like you to, maybe one of those times every so often, you could be the one to initiate with some silly schoolgirl outfit that he thinks is the sexiest thing on the planet. It’s not much more effort for you even though it seems ridiculous (he’s just going to rip it off you anyway), and he truly will appreciate it. So while you shouldn’t have to do it and you really don’t have to, it’s simply a nice thing to do that he would like. Kind of like him bringing home flowers after you’ve had a rough week at work.

I don’t think it means he loves you less for you not doing these things either, I think it’s just something that he would like and fantasizes about on occasion. And really, it’s good that he tells you this stuff instead of bottling it all up and expecting you to simply know that he wants it.

You simply can’t want to have sex more frequently, believe me, I’ve tried. And it’s great that the compromise works for both of you most of the time! It sucks to be in your position, and the best thing you can do is try to spice it up within the compromise that you have. If anal doesn’t work for you, then replace it with a bit of dressing up. See if mixing it up within the 1-3 times per week makes a difference, like doing it on the kitchen floor instead of in the bed, or adding some sort of food to make it kinkier. You should also let him know what stuff you really appreciate during sex or foreplay to see if he can add to the compromise as well. It’s a two-way street!

Just keep in mind that the problem isn’t with you and it isn’t with him. It’s just a problem that exists because two people are involved and you aren’t the same. If you both talk openly about it when you aren’t fighting, you’re far more likely to understand each other and get across everything you would like.

Best of luck with the whole situation. I think everything will turn out just fine! xo

Post # 8
Member
47460 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

What peegee said.  Don’t misinterpret what he says. His comments have nothing to do with his love for you. It’s about sex. It’s because he loves you that he wants to have sex with you. If you were comfortable wearing these slutty corsets out to a club, could you be comfortable wearing them for your husband?

If you don’t feel like having sex, meaning intercourse, you don’t have to. You can tell him that “this evening is all about you, babe”. Give him a masssage, a hand job, a blow job, whatever it takes. Tell him he doesn’t have to reciprocate.

You just may find yourself feeling more sexual if you act more sexual.

 

Post # 9
Member
9083 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
happbeetogetmarried:  brb, gotta go puke.

 

Ok, I’m back. What century is it again? Did I miss time going backwards or something? Fuck him so he doesn’t cheat but then make him repay her in housework? There are like 6 things immediately wrong with that. So gross.

Post # 10
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee

i hear you. I have a substantially lower sex drive than DH. I do ‘try’ to be more in the mood and DH might give me a foot rub or something to help me switch off and be more up for intimacy. This sometimes helps. He appreciates that i’m being open to sex but knows it isn’t a given. I feel he’s not judging which makes me more willing to see what happens  

That said, there is no way I’d be taking any of this nonsense from your husband. The approach of ‘do this because men will cheat’ is such an emotionally manipulative idea. A woman’s job isn’t to please her man or else he’ll leave. Cheating is a decision and to blame the parter is cowardly  

i find the ‘sexy lingerie’ outfits awkward. So find things that I feel comfortable in eg baby doll that I can change into before bed. It’s not slutty but says ‘I care’. (I’m not judgino any preferences, just that very sexy stuff isn’t me).

Sex is an important part of a relationship and where there’s an imbalance it’s inportant to have open, healthy communication (Eg. DH and I check in every few months as and when it comes up). communication seems to be the issue here so it may be worth speaking to someone professional.

TLDR– I totally get you. No youre not being unreasonable. Worth seeing someone professional to help resolve issues.  

Post # 11
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I haven’t read the other replies yet but please do see a doctor. There is usually a reason for low libido. Are you on birth control? If not, you could still have a hormone imbalance. You could have a mood disorder. Or some other type of health issue. I suffered from a low libido all my life, and yes, it has negatively impacted every relationship I’ve ever been in. I’m just finally starting to get it under control by switching to a non-hormonal bc and getting help with my depression. I still have a lot of work to do, but I can already feel a difference. Obviously, this is my own personal experience, so not suggesting at all that you’re dealing with the same thing.

He has every right to want to be more intimate with you, he loves you so of course that’s understandable. He shouldn’t feel like your low libido means you don’t want him though, that isn’t fair. Relationship and sex therapy could help with that to, but I would first be concerned with figuring out the cause to your low libido. You aren’t alone, a lot of women have this issue so don’t beat yourself up about it. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by  mck1.
Post # 12
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
Daisy_Mae:  x 1000

Sex isn’t a thing you barter and trade on. Surely that only adds to resentment in both sides. 

Post # 13
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

View original reply
happbeetogetmarried:  Are you serious? It’s beyond offensive to ‘warn’ someone that their husband will cheat if they don’t “put on a damn corset”. 

Post # 14
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee

I really like what peegee said – You both need to stop taking the other person’s emotions as a personal reflection. I think it is important to work on finding that point where you recognize that you’re both compromising. I recognize that you’re working to meet in the middle by upping the frequency,  but maybe try focusing on quality,  not quantity?  Like maybe you dress up, but only have sex once a week. Then maybe he’ll recognize you’re putting in the effort to meet his needs sexually. Then he shows his love and appreciation by doing stuff that makes you feel loved, whatever that is. 

 

Do you want to want sex more? 

Post # 15
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

For all the bees jumping straight to “sex therapy” and to “go see your doctor”, I think you are all going overboard. Since when did wanting to have sex only twice a week equal a low libido? That’s crazy.

Your libido is perfectly normal and healthy, and so is his. You just might need to compromise a little bit more to make him happy. Personally, I think if you don’t feel comfortable in the outfits then don’t wear them, but try to up the sex game to 1-2 more times per week. Just try it out. If it’s not working out, just tell him how you feel.

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