- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2015
Regular Bee here going anon for this, because I’m honestly not sure how to handle this situation, and whether I’m right to be hurt, or whether I’m in the wrong here.
Sorry this is long, here’s the context:
My husband and I got married in August after three years of dating (we were friends before we started dating). In the beginning of our relationship we were like most couples – we had sex every chance we got. After about a year the “Honeymoon period” ended and we settled into the patterns we have today – that was about two years before we got married.
I’ve always had a low libido. My ideal frequency for having sex is generally once every couple of weeks. I just don’t “crave” it like some people do. My husband has always had a higher libido. He would have sex 4 -5 times a week if possible. Knowing this, we compromise. We have sex twice a week, on average. Sometimes only once, if we’re having a busy week, sometimes 3 times. We’ll have sex more than 3 times a week if we’re on vacation.
90% of the time this compromise works for us. I think that’s important to emphasize, because we’re not fighting about this all the time. But the rare times when we DO fight, it always seems to be about sex. The heart of the matter is this: He feels like I should want to have sex more often, but I can’t make myself want to have sex more frequently just by closing my eyes and clicking my heels three times.
*He says that me not wanting to have sex more often, makes him feel unattractive and unwanted.
I tell him that I find him very attractive and that I love having sex with him, I just have a lower libido. He recognizes that he’s very self conscious about his appearance, but he can’t help the way that my low libido makes him feel, no matter how many times I assure him.
*I say that his disappointment in our sex life makes me feel like he doesn’t think I’m good enough for him, and that I need to be more sexual for him to stay interested in me.
This morning I was cleaning out my closet and I pulled out a couple of really slutty corsets from my much younger, clubbing days. I haven’t worn them in years. He asked why I had never worn them for him before, and I reminded him that we haven’t ever gone clubbing before and I hadn’t had an occassion to wear them since we had gotten together. He asked why I hadn’t worn them for him privately, and I was totally bewildered.
I asked him why he would think I would wear those for him privately and he said that he was disappointed that I’ve never surprised him with a sexy corset outfit or lingerie before. (I HAVE surprised him by being naked when he comes home, but probably only about half-a-dozen times in the three+ years we’ve been together – so once every 6 months or so).
I asked if he was saying that our relationship needed to be more sexual, and he said he would like it if I surprised him “every once in a while” in lingerie when he got home from work, and if we could go out clubbing/to bars where I would wear more sexy outfits “every other month or so.”
Maybe this is fair. It’s not that I think he’s requests are unreasonable in and of themselves, but they’re not things I want to do, and shouldn’t he love me without me having to dress super slutty for him? (The corsets were super slutty)
More context: I’m not a total prude. He’s really into anal and I’ve tried it on more than one occassion for him, even buying anal beads and butt plugs to try and get more “used to it.” I even tried again after one time was so bad that I ended up in tears and we had to stop. So I’m certainly not denying him sex, ever. And we do get dressed up and go out to eat at a restaurant at least once, usually twice a week. We both work full time jobs during the week, and I dress very nicely for work. I change into sweats right before or after dinner most nights, but don’t most people?
I can’t help but feel like I’m already compromising by having sex more often then I would personally like to, trying things to make him happy, and now he wants me to surprise him with sex (which in reality means surprise him with sex when I’m not even in the mood for sex) and get dressed up in a slutty outfit and go out clubbing (which I hate) all to make him feel more sexually satisfied.
I honestly just don’t know what the right answer is here. I want to satisfy my husband’s needs, but I’m already starting to resent having to have sex every few days, and now he wants me to take it even further.
I would honestly be fine if he was asking for a one-time thing – like fantasy role play – or telling me that this was something that would make him happy if I decided I wanted to do it, but instead I feel like he’s telling me that I need to “step up my game” because he’s not satisfied.
I’m so confused. I feel torn between being a good wife, and being reduced to a sex object for my husband.
TLDR: My husband wants me to want to have sex more frequently. He’s asking me to surprise him with sexy outfits, and go “clubbing” in sexy outfits, to enhance our sex life. I have a substantially lower libido than he does and, while I don’t have anything against surprising your SO in lingerie, I feel like I shouldn’t have to surprise him with lingerie to keep him interested in me. I want him to love me for who I am, not what’s under my clothes. At the same time, I recognize that he has a higher libido, and I want to meet his needs.