(Closed) Am I in the wrong? Regular Bee going anon with a "sex" dilemma. :/

posted 4 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 16
Member
303 posts
Helper bee

If you wake up and don’t feel in the mood to go to work, do you just stay home? Why is it so bad to have sex more often than you feel like, out of consideration for your husband?

If a husband doesn’t feel like listening to his talkative wife, should he always just leave the room?

I guess I’m old fashioned but I think it would be best to try doing the corset thing FIRST before you decide you’re not up for it. The best married-sex advice I’ve ever heard is to just go for it sometimes, even if you’re not into it, because more often than not, you do end up getting into it.

Post # 17
Member
303 posts
Helper bee

^ Yes, I am comparing sex to work, simply because if you’re not in the mood, it takes EFFORT to get there! And the effort usually pays off!

Post # 18
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

PinkCat:  If it is causing her this much stress in her relationship, why not seek medical help to rule out any health issues or underlying causes? It was just a suggestion, she certainly doesn’t have to go this route if she truly doesn’t feel like it would help.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  mck1.
Post # 19
Member
3050 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

PinkCat:  She said her ideal frequency was once every couple of weeks and that she doesn’t crave it. My understanding is their current rate is due to her trying to keep up with her husband not that she enjoys it.

What’s far is that she feels like a sex object to her husband when I think they both just have some major insecurities due to their differences. Yes, a medical condition is a very real possibility and I’m not sure why you would want to dispute that. They currently cannot obviously communicate well and so, yes, a therapist would be ideal for that.

So I’m not really sure how you’re getting a different scenario of events compared to the rest of the bees here.

Post # 20
Member
1992 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Honestly, I don’t think either of you are wrong.  I do think that you’d benefit from counseling though.

Post # 21
Member
2868 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

LaurenMJ:  I agree. I don’t think wearing the corset a few times is so bad (however, you shouldn’t feel obligated to have anal sex if it is painful).

Post # 22
Member
1353 posts
Bumble bee

I find it creepy that PPs are suggesting that having a low libido means there’s something wrong with you. Just the other day Bees were mocking a poster who claimed to have sex everyday. I love the Hive but it really seems that anything more or less than 1-4 times per week is totally wrong. 

By all means, check your medication. Maybe you do have some underlying condition. Or, maybe you just have a low libido, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you.

Anyway, I agree that you just try sex therapy. You both have completely different needs and you have to find a way to make it work. Your husband is building these unrealistic expectations and you’re feeling pressured – you both need to find a compromise that works. E.g. you can surprise him once in a while privately, but don’t go to clubs if you don’t want to.

Post # 23
Member
2777 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

PinkCat:  nobody said there was anything wrong with her libido or his. It’s the disparity between sex drives that’s driving a wedge between them. It’s the frustration and resentment that’s building between the two of them that could benefit from external help. They could have sex once a month, or every three and if it made them both happy it would be ok. They could have sex three times a day and if it made them both happy it would be ok.

She now feels PRESSURED to have sex, to want more sex, to dress up in “sexy”outfits and to do more and be more. He now feels unattractive to his wife, undesired/undesirable and like he has to do a whole bunch of stuff to get her to want him. None of that is beneficial to the relationship. So yes, sex therapy would help them air their frustrations, insecurities, natural desires, expectations and compromises as opposed to “oh I’ll just make myself want sex 3 more times a week than what I’d usually want naturally.” 

Post # 24
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I don’t think anyone is suggesting there is certainly something wrong with her libido, more so that there COULD be something wrong. Of course there may not be anything causing the differences in libido between her and her husband. It could be as simple as differences in intimacy wants/needs, which is also totally normal between two people. 

Post # 25
Member
3050 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

 

arathella:  I don’t see how anyone is suggesting anything is wrong with her. Everyone is trying to give her different avenues to look into for dealing with the current issues they have. Yes, low libido can mean a medical condition or issue with medications. It’s very common and, in instances where it’s causing issues in a relationship, it is recommended to speak to your gynecologist to rule anything medical out. This is not to shame the OP but to give her more options. It would be silly to not try to rule out everything possible and then if it is nothing that can be medically corrected…then yes, they both have different needs that will need compromise. He certainly probably has aspects he needs to work on as well with helping the OP. He may need to do a better job at foreplay or they may need to look into some toys if they don’t already use any during intercourse. I’d also like to point out that had the role been reversed…most of us would be suggesting that her husband see a doctor as well if he was experiencing low drive or inability to keep an erection.

She said in the beginning they went at it at every chance but she then says they went to their routine now. So, in the beginning did she enjoy it when they were doing it more or was that forced as well? If not, then she didn’t always have a low drive.

I was in that other post and I am also someone whom has intercourse daily with my partner. No one insulted me directly. I think most were turned off by the way the post was written like a love fiction novel. Was it right to insult the OP of that thread…not really. Yes, some of it got really petty and childish. However, the posts have been odd lately especially from that particular poster so I can see the skepticism.

I will also point out that sex isn’t easy for me and it’s not for a lot of people. It’s painful most the time for me and even uncomfortable. Yes, I do it daily and it works for my partner and I. There are aspects of it that I enjoy beyond what the traditional sense is. You do what’s right for you and what works for your relationship. Nothing should feel forced ever. Having issues sexually is hard and I totally relate to what both OP and her husband are going through with the frustrations and insecurities. I doubt she wants to just let go of her marriage and I wouldn’t want to look into how to compromise without seeing if I could possibly medically find a solution to enjoying it more physically with my partner.

Post # 26
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee

Obviously there is issues going on that need to be addressed and probably in counseling where a third party could mediate and hear what is being meant not said. 

But, as far as the corsets go…. You would wear them in public for complete strangers. What is the big deal to wear them in the privacy of your home for your husband? Like another PP said, men are visual and sometimes it’s a turn on to see their in outfits that aren’t an every day occurrence. 

Post # 27
Member
2348 posts
Buzzing bee

I’d personally put on the corset, but there are other ways to show him you want him too. I know a lot of bees will probably disagree with me but he already knows you don’t want him sexually as much as he wants you and then you’re doing the sweatpants right when you get home thing (I don’t do that, you asked if everyone does so I’m just giving a perspective here). Then there are these sexy corsets that you used to wear but not for him. It sounds like he’s just feeling super insecure and I kind of see why. 

Post # 28
Member
257 posts
Helper bee

Daisy_Mae:  DaisyBlossom:  annd2015:  Girls, I know it sounds bad but honestly not many men will put up with it. A good friend of mine use to be a working girl and she said 90% of the men that see her are married. Even the young good looking guys! The men say they love their wives but the wives never want to have sex so they cheat. I’m not saying give it to him every night whenever he wants but a little sex goes a long way in a marriage. Love Julies1949 comment…”Give him a massage, a hand job, a blow job, whatever it takes.” Isn’t that considered sex?!

 

It’s just so much easier to have sex a few times a week (of course only if you have a solid and happy relationship) then going to counseling. That will open a whole new can of worms!

Post # 30
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Put on the corset. Surely the two of you can compromise and have sex a little more/less than you would like. It’s not about being a sex object; that’s going overboard. If your husband brought it up, it’s very important to him; it can’t be right or wrong. Truly, I have seen many marriages end and lack of sex was one of the problems. It won’t end a marriage in and of itself but it certainly adds fuel to the fire. Sex is definitely a way to be close to someone emotionally as well as physically. It’s something only you can provide, so think of it as special rather than a chore. 

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