(Closed) Am I in the wrong? Regular Bee going anon with a "sex" dilemma. :/

posted 4 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 46
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

1. not sure if you’re on birth control, but it is a DEFINITE libido killer. was on it from 18-25. the month i went off it… man! it was like I was a teenager again! it’s settled back down again, but it’s much easier to… ahem… initiate things than it was before.

2. you may think it’s just sex, and maybe it is, but sometimes it’s a symptom of something else. I experienced a rough patch with the Fiance, and tbh intimacy was the first thing to go out the window (on his end). when we patched things up we stopped having problems in the bedroom (thank god!).

3. only do what you’re comfortable with. but variety can spice things up and potentially make things more exciting for both of you. however, it should be on *both* of your terms (obviously). don’t do anything you don’t want to do.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  inyoureyes89.
Post # 47
Member
416 posts
Helper bee

goinganon86:  I have not read this whole thread, only the original post. OP, I’m sending hugs to you as I say this. I think this sounds like an issue where you love him so much, and you want so badly to be the perfect wife (correct me if I’m wrong) that you’re freaking out every and any time that he expresses his needs.

My take: It’s ok for him to have needs that you’re not willing to twist yourself into knots to meet.

We don’t all get every little thing that we want in life.

When he says he wonders why you don’t meet him at the door dressed in saran wrap or a slutty corset, just nod and say “yes sweetie, I understand your frustrated. Mmm hmmm.”

Maybe I’m missing something but I don’t see this as a big deal.

Post # 48
Member
2342 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I agree with PP that you both should go see a counsellor about this. It’s clearly putting a huge strain on your relationship but I do not feel at all qualified to even make a suggestion.

Post # 49
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee

happbeetogetmarried:  You’re kidding right? She should do what he says so he doesn’t cheat on her????!!! THATS INSANITY!!!! And who are the 19 people that found this helpful???!!! Never should you let anyone EVER make you feel trapped into doing something you don’t feel comfortable with!!!!!

OP maybe he’s not feeling completely confident because of how much you have sex but you’re feelings are important too. If my fiance told me, he thought our sex life would be better if I dressed sluttier, that wouldn’t make me feel very confident. 

You have every right to be uspet with this AND NEVER JUST DO WHAT HE SAYS SO HE WON’T CHEAT ON YOU!!!!! If you’re at that point, go and talk to someone.

You’re body is beautiful and sexual just as is! 

You two need to have a conversation. Just because his labido is bigger does not mean that yours is bad because it isn’t. Our bodies are all different and no one’s HAS to be a certain way. 

Also if anal is hurting you that bad you should steer clear, it can cause damage and its not fair for you to be hurt just so he can be satisfied. You should both be satisfied equally.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  catbride123.
Post # 50
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee

happbeetogetmarried:  I don’t doubt that your friend is right that some of her clients are married but those men are only saying ‘well the wife won’t sleep with me’ to abdicate any responsibility for what’s going on in their relationship. 

I say this as somebody who in previous relationships has cheated once and been cheated on but there is always a choice. There may be situations that lead to a bad decision but when it comes to it,nobody is forced to cheat & using feelings as a justification is just part of saying ‘how can I have cake and eat cake?’ And if there’s a ‘reason’ then in a weird way that makes it ‘ok’  

Not only that but it gives a worrying message to men that you can demand sex and if you don’t get it then you can look elsewhere and the woman has no grounds to be upaet because ‘if you didn’t want me going elsewhere you should have offered it’. As if her job should be at her man’s beck and call in case he goes off. What next? If you don’t dreas a certain way it’s a sign you value me? If you keep speaking to make friends then that’s a sign you don’t think I’m enough for you? Etc etc  

For me it’s the thin edge of the wedge and at the other end is ‘well she was dressed a certain way and was drunk but hey, I’m a man and i have certain needs’. 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  DaisyBlossom.
Post # 51
Member
320 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry you are going through this! I think it is a good thing that he is communicating with you about what he thinks would be sexy. However, you shouldn’t be doing anything you aren’t comfortable with. To everyone saying that you used to wear a corset so you should be willing to now, I disagree. I used to do lots of things I’m no longer comfortable with because I’m a human being with evolving desires, tastes, and feelings. You shouldn’t be having sex you aren’t comfortable with, or that is hurtful.

Sex is an important part of marriage but it is different for all couples. I’ve known very contented couples only have it once a year or less and others who have it all the time. It is just as important that you be happy with your sex life as it is for him to be happy with his. Even if that means having sex less often. Give counseling a try and see if you can come to a more mutual place with things.

Post # 52
Member
257 posts
Helper bee

mck1:  I know there’s good men out there, you’re right they are not all cheaters! It’s just crazy to me that men can think with their penis so fast. Like the celebrity men who cheat on their gorgeous wives with their nanny?!  

Worried9887:  A decade where it’s extremely easy to cheat, hello Internet! 

But everyone is right about the anal, you should never do anything that makes you cry! I would never want anyone to do something that they are not comfortable with but wearing a corset that you use to wear in public seems like no big deal. He wants to see his wife dressed up pretty for him, there are worse things. I mean, what if your Darling Husband was into bondage or wanted a threesome omg?! 

Post # 53
Member
303 posts
Helper bee

happbeetogetmarried:  I know! If I was married to a celebrity I would NOT be hiring a hot nanny lol. 

Post # 54
Member
1305 posts
Bumble bee

goinganon86:  

You and your husband used to have sex a lot more often during the “honeymoon period” while you were dating. But now, things are more comfortable (for lack of  better term) and you have it less often. Not unusual, but for him, it sounds like because there’s been a decrease, he’s become self conscious and can’t understand why. I had a relationship where I had the higher libido so I honestly see what he’s feeling. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t wear the corsets when you were fine wearing them for complete strangers. I don’t change into sweats when I get home from work either, but maybe most people do.

I don’t know if I could add anything that hasn’t already been suggested. I don’t think his requests are unreasonable (except the anal which is painful). Maybe therapy is the answer?

 

Post # 55
Member
2110 posts
Buzzing bee

Dr Phil said that when peoples sexual needs are being met in a relationship the importance of sex is 10%

 

When a partners needs are not being met that inverts and the importance increases to 90%

 

Sex is a critical part of a relationship. You are the only person that can meet that need for him.

 

That doesn’t mean you have to have sex every time he wants to but if he is constantly feeling sexually frustrated and rejected that resentment will build.

 

I suggest looking into reasons your libido is low and perhaps seeking some couples counselling.

Post # 56
Member
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017 - Bahamas

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Is your marriage otherwise okay? Could your lower libido be the manifestation of other issues? Or did you always have sort of a low sex drive? What has changed in the span of time since you enjoyed wearing sexy outfits that causes you to dislike it now? Maybe the answers to those questions can also answer your dilemma. 

Post # 57
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee

My take: You both sound completely reasonable, which makes this tough.  There’s no “he’s wrong!” or “you’re wrong! Do this!”.  I think you’ll just have to openly communicate your way through this if you’re going to make it through.  My hubby and I have been together for 3 years and thankfully our libidos have gone from honeymoon – present at about the same level (2-3 times a week is good for both of us)

Just two things:

1) Put the corset/lingerie on and see what you think.  Maybe he’s in bed reading or watching TV, you throw it on and get in bed.  It won’t be on for long anyway, right?  🙂

2) No one should ever do anal if they don’t want to.  No no no.

Post # 58
Member
1451 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - St. John\'s Lutheran Church

julies1949:  I have to say… if I am not in the mood to have sex, I am DEFINITELY not in the mood to give a BJ.

Post # 59
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

This sounds very much like my first marriage and one of the (many) reasons for my divorce.

The reality is that I was making an effort to have sex with my ex more often that I wanted, and still it never was enough for him. I ended up wondering why I even bothered. This used to cause a lot of issues between us, he used to constantly refer to my “intimacy issues”. The reality is that my low libido was a reflection of a lot of other issues in that relationship. Guess what happened next? I left him and since I’ve been with my current Fiance my low libido and “intimacy issues” have magically gone away.

Post # 60
Member
350 posts
Helper bee

What can I say… men are VISUAL

Imagine if he didn’t want to do something for you that would satisfy you (say he doesnt want to do his signature move to get you off because he simply didnt want to)… same goes for this.

It won’t hurt to try it now and then and make an effort at saving your sex life before it turns into complete resentment and floods other issues. Or maybe you’re just not sexually compatible. Seek ways of increasing your libido… are you on something that supresses it? Counseling? Perhaps try getting yourself in the mood – alone – before he comes home.

I’m not one to put on sweats after work. I keep what I have on until I go to bed. I still want to feel attractive for myself and for him. Just a feel good reason. I only change if I am sick or really not feeling good physically (cramps etc) Don’t you want to feel sexy and REALLY wanted? Like Where you can see how excited he is that you dressed up for him and him only? I don’t know but that in its self is a turn on. To see your partner surprised and in awe of what your doing to please his needs…

Also keep in mind. You wore these slutty corsets for STRANGERS in PUBLIC. Now someone who thinks you are attractive and that you’re with is asking you to wear it and you’re thinking no way… that’s a slap in the face IMO. He won’t feel like you are willing to try to be sexy for him once in a while but you used to for strangers are were completely fine with it.

It’s all about compromise. Something has to give in this situation to keep it going strong.

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